Hi friends! On today’s Draw Near to Me post we have the last part of Chris’ testimony. In part 3, Chris really began to lean into all the things that God was calling him to do. There was such renewal as we saw the new path given to him by God. Today we learn about his newly formed organization, Life On Mission. For those wanting to learn more about it, please check out https://lifeonmissionproject.com. Chris, thank you so much for your great authenticity, transparency and your heart for all the things God is calling you to do. It is an inspiration and an honor to know part of your story. Now, let’s dive into the final part of Chris’ story. Enjoy!

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I started hitting roadblocks as soon as I began researching how to get Bibles to the Dominican Republic. Shipping was expensive and I didn’t have someone to pick them up. Bringing them in from the U.S. also had obstacles. The Dominican’s customs process was stricter and you had to demonstrate that the books were not for resale. To get around these issues, I decided to try to find a distributor in the Dominican Republic.

Communication quickly became a problem. I did not speak any Spanish and I needed information about logistical questions such as buying in bulk and cost. I tried to email the distributor using a translation app, but I was getting nowhere. Then I remembered that Jonathan, a friend of mine from my men’s group, was from the Dominican Republic. I reached out and talked to him about what I was hoping to do. I shared my heart behind creating an organization, Life On Mission, to distribute Bibles.

Jonathan said he would love to help. We set up a three-way call with the distributor and he talked to them for like 11 minutes. They were going back and forth rapidly. Jonathan dug in and was able to accomplish things that I never would have been able to do. It was crazy.

Although I am doing most of the groundwork for Life On Mission, I have never felt like I am alone. I’ve had help from friends and family. Jonathan and Frank, another friend from my men’s group, both jumped-on board early. They were instrumental in giving me additional ideas and feedback for this mission. My friend, Shannon, shared how she set up her non-profit, and my youngest daughter, Angel, helped me with the social media aspects. It has been a prayer of mine to do ministry with my kids. Watching that unfold as Angel works alongside of me has been amazing.

Above all, I struggle with saying that this non-profit is mostly me because at minimum it is the Holy Spirit, God and me. So, it is a “we.” I’ve never spent so much time in prayer asking God what He wants to happen and what the next step should be.

By the end of September, I was planning to go back to the Dominican by myself. We had secured about 50 Bibles to distribute. Some Bibles were going to Mission of Hope. Others were reserved for a church we had served when I was there on mission. Even though I was not sure how I was going to get around once I arrived, I told the pastor’s son that we planned on bringing them some Bibles.

I was initially concerned about navigating around the Dominican Republic. Driving there is a completely different experience. I had never seen anything like that in my life. When I had gone there with my church, I noticed that people seemed to take the lane lines on the road as a suggestion. We saw three cars driving across two lanes with motorcycles squeezing in between. It made me a little nervous to think about it. Thankfully, God had already provided me with the connections I needed to make the solo trip easier.

Previously, while I was on the short-term mission trip with my church, I met a young girl at one of the kids’ camps. Even though she has a great father, she began to call me “Papa.” In turn, I called her “hija,” which is daughter in Spanish. I loved her like family. Through a translator, I told her mom that if her daughter wanted to stay in touch with me she could, but only with her mom’s permission. That is how I ended up remaining connected with all of them.

When the family discovered that I was coming back to the Dominican Republic, they offered to meet me at the airport. Not only did they guide me through the first part of my solo trip, but they even picked up the Bibles from the distributor for me before I landed. Additionally, being with a family that I loved was so personal and encouraging. Everything really worked out perfectly.

On Sunday, I brought Bibles to the church we had previously visited while on mission. I talked to the pastor before the service and showed him what we had. He was very excited. The pastor was speaking in Spanish when he began the service. I did not have an interpreter with me, so all I heard was something, something and then “Chris.” After saying my name, he held up a Bible and gave them out to the 20 people there. Then he started preaching.

Every person in the room now had a Bible in their hands. I saw how their faces lit up when they got them and how they used them to follow along with the pastor. That reaction was good enough for me. I had been asking God if what I was doing was going to make any difference and I got to see that answer.

The Word is alive, powerful and sharper than a two-edged sword. It really, really is. The more you read it, the more it changes you. I don’t have to be a lawyer and close a deal on every evangelistic conversation. Sometimes all I have to do is give a Bible and say, “Hey, I want to give this to you and share this with you. Tell me what you think.” Sometimes that’s enough to plant a seed.

After I returned to the US, I contacted the pastor and shared how we are trying to get more Bibles to bring down. At the end of our conversation he said, “Chris, we miss you. The church misses you. We can’t wait to see you again.” Right now, early relationships are forming and that is just as important and special for me as anything else.

Life On Mission is currently being formed into a 501(c)3 non-profit organization. Our goal is to get Bibles to where they are needed. It is about sowing the Word. We want to get the physical Word of God out to unreached places. What better gift can you give to somebody?

God has been good and has even given me confirmation that this is His path for me. The other day I received a message from Lisa, our team leader for our Dominican Republic mission trip. She told me that she was happy that I was pursuing this. Then, out of nowhere, she said almost word for word the first sentence of my mission statement, which I had not yet shared. It was such an encouragement and a reminder of this calling. I know God is moving.

Right now, that’s where my season of life is. I am so excited to do this with the Lord and to continue to see where this is going to go. I know scripture tells us to go out and make disciples among the nations. I have no evangelistic gifting, but I can hand out Bibles. This is something I would have never done in my younger years. I had to go through everything I went through to reach the bottom in order to look up and say, “God, I need you to do everything. I’ve blown everything up in my life. I have nowhere else to go but you.” It was at that point that I was no longer depending on my own power or how I wanted to do things. Now, I just want to say “yes” to whatever God asks me to do.

I have realized more and more that God is not going to lay out the whole plan to me, but if I take one step, immediately the next thing opens up. Yeah, it gets scary. I don’t think I’ve prayed so hard ever. However, at every step of the way God opens the door. He’ll meet us as soon as we take that step. I’m aware that it’s His sovereign plan. At any moment He could change it, so I am taking one step at a time. In the end, it will probably be totally different than what I’ve ever thought.

As God has moved through my story, all I can think about is truly His amazing grace. I am so, so far from perfect, but God is still sanctifying me. He’s doing what He has to do and is so gracious and merciful to me. If He could do this in me, He can do this in anybody.

A few months ago, I was listening to the Deepen podcast from my church. They were talking about how when we get to heaven, we may ask God why certain things happened in our lives. We will ask all the “whys” we didn’t get answers to. Then, He will show us the reasons and we will say, “God, you did it again! That was the only way this could have ever worked.” I truly believe that.

God knows exactly how our lives need to go down to be where we need to be. It’s all about His glory. That thought really stuck with me. I keep reminding myself that God is sovereign and knows what is going to happen. I keep trusting that.

I don’t know where God is going to take all of this. When I was having dinner with the pastor in the Dominican Republic, he paused and asked me, “Chris, are you ready to do the work of the Lord with me? Maybe you are called to be here.” I was just there to try to convince him to let me bring more Bibles to them. It felt way over my head at the time.

Although I do not yet feel called to move, I am willing if that is what God asks me to do. I am in a place where I keep asking, “Lord, what do you want me to do in my life? I am willing to sell everything and go where you’ve called me to go.” I never thought I would be thinking in terms of uprooting everything for God, but I would because I just want to be part of His plan. Being so open to that idea is such a far, far cry from where I was a few years ago when I was destroying my whole world with my actions.

The more I open my Bible and read it, the more I get out of it. I think, “Lord, you still love me. You’re still moving in my heart and that’s what I need. I just need you every day.” Now, I am that guy in church that is standing and praising to the music. My hands are raised high and I am worshiping as loud as I can because I have been forgiven much by God and He still wanted me. God still has purpose for me and uses me despite everything. That is amazing grace.

Hi friends! On today’s Draw Near to Me post we begin part 3 of Chris’ testimony. In part 2, I really commend Chris for being so transparent with areas in his life that must have been hard to walk through. His honesty for his past failings is refreshing because we all have places where we fall so short. I believe there was great wisdom to be gained from his experiences. We left off with Chris realizing that despite his life being far off God’s path for him, God was still with him and could still use him. Let’s dive into part 3 of Chris’ story. Enjoy!

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I bought into what God was doing at my church. I began asking more and more, “Lord, what do you want me to do?” Pastor Joby often reminds us to get into a discipleship group, serve and go on a short-term mission trip. I began to do each one by one.

First, I got into a men’s group. It changed my life to the point that I will tell any guy to get around other men. Sometimes I wish God had shown me this before, but I probably would not have listened back then.

It took me a year to share my story with my men’s group because I was so scared. I felt like the other guys had it so together and my life was such a mess. I spent a year pretending as they talked about wives and families. I continued to say “my wife” even though I was divorced. I did not think there was any way I could share what I had done with those guys.

Finally, I picked one guy that I trusted and asked him to meet for coffee. I told him everything. He encouraged me to share it with the group, but I thought there was no way I could do that. Months went by. I said nothing about it to the group because I was waiting for the right guys to be there. I didn’t want to share with men outside of the core group that didn’t know me. So, I kept waiting.

One week, we had the biggest number of men show up to group. There were about 15 people there. While the guy next to me was talking, I felt the Holy Spirit wanted me to speak. He was turning on all these words. I tried to withhold them. I was fighting it and thinking, “Nope, nope, nope. I’m not doing it. This is the biggest group we’ve ever had. People I don’t even know are here.”

There are moments in your life where you really feel how real God is. That was one of those moments. When the other guy finished talking, it was like a spigot had released and the faucet opened up. With my focus looking down, I told the guys everything. I was crying and broken down. I barely got it all out.

It felt like forever. When I finally looked up I saw that the guy across from me was crying. He said, “Chris, forgive us for not showing you that you had an open place to share this with us.” The guys thanked me for sharing everything. I thought, “Dude, didn’t you hear what I said?” Then they reminded me that I was in good company because we all mess up. It still chokes me up thinking about it now.

When I began to look back over my life, it hit me that Jesus loved me even through everything. In every major crisis there was something in me that told me to go to church. It was as if God was saying, “Hey, I am always here.” Every time God drew me back. I now see that He can still use me, even if I had destroyed everything around me. To any guy that is going through a hard time, I would say stay with God. Keep doing what He is calling you to do. Don’t run from Him, run to Him.

I began serving at the church and decided to go on my first mission trip. In 2024, I went to Scotland on mission. It is by no means a third world country. We didn’t get dropped in the middle of a jungle. We didn’t have to hack our way to an ancient tribe to share the gospel or anything like that. However, the experience still changed me.

As we helped the church we were partnering with, I began to see what other Christians faced in a political and social atmosphere that was more against Christianity. God began to plant in me an understanding of the challenges that others faced to extend the gospel. On that trip I also met my friend Shannon. She really helped me in something bigger that God called me to a year later.

My experience on short-term mission in Scotland was so awesome that I could not wait to go on another trip. I’ll be honest though; I did not want to go back to Scotland because it was freezing there in February! It is like being in northern parts of Canada. I thought, “Okay Lord, let’s go someplace hot.” So, I went on a mission trip to the Dominican Republic in July.

We were partnered with a great organization, Mission of Hope, in the Dominican Republic. They served Hispaniola, which is the whole island of Haiti and the Dominican Republic. It was eye-opening for me. Not only was the trip more evangelistic, but the communities we visited were not well off monetarily. Their everyday life was so different. We were sent out to churches and communities to see what the needs were and to share the gospel.

Even though people lived with very little, they were so wonderful and welcoming. You could walk into someone’s home, which was the size of a kitchen in the U.S., and they pulled chairs out of nowhere. We went from one house to the next. We often sat down and talked with people through an interpreter and they welcomed us to stay as long as we wanted. We met so many good people while walking around the community and through the kids’ camps that we helped with.

There was one Christian lady that stuck out in my mind. We heard music coming from her house as we walked by and knocked on her door. The whole morning we sat with her in her home. At one point she asked if we wanted cookies and juice. We had previously been told that people were very hospitable and enjoyed welcoming others so we said yes.

Immediately, the woman called a kid over to go out to buy juice and cookies. We protested, explaining that we didn’t realize that she did not already have some. She said, “This is what’s important. Us being together and fellowshipping this way.” Later she made us coffee, walked us around her property and even had a relative climb up a tree to cut some coconuts down for us. It was so different than anything I had experienced before. It struck me that I am not sure what I would do if random strangers came to my door in America.

In one of our last days in the Dominican Republic, we met an older man who wanted to receive Christ. I was so fortunate to be able to lead him in that prayer of salvation. I don’t know if it’s something I’d ever done before. After we had prayed with him, we asked him if he had a Bible. He did not.

That trip had such a profound effect on me. When our team arrived back home, I thought about that man we had prayed for. God really laid it on my heart that being able to give people Bibles may be a great open door. It went from this thought and some conversations to being a prayer to God. I kept thinking, “Lord, there’s a need there. We need to provide Bibles for these people because they don’t have them. There’s no Barnes & Noble or Books A Million down the street from them. The churches there don’t have enough and the people don’t have money to buy them.”

Suddenly, a conversation I had with my friend Shannon came rushing back. Over a year ago, during the Scotland mission trip, she had told me about Soles by Grace. It was a non-profit organization that she established to serve the people of Kenya. At the time I had asked her what made her do that. She replied, “I just saw a need and when you see a need you just go fill it.”

The need I saw was to get people Bibles. It was on my heart, but I was so scared from past insecurities. I always had this fear of failure. I wondered about what would happen if I stepped out in faith. What if it failed? What if it got messed up? What if it didn’t work?

Soon after, I was at church and heard Pastor Joby say something in a sermon. I’d heard it before and this time it hit. The question was, “What would you do for the glory of God if you knew it wouldn’t fail?” That was followed by a second question which was, “Why aren’t you doing it?” I realized it was time to step out and do this.

A couple of weeks after the mission trip, our team got back together to talk about the experience. I was scared to tell everyone about my idea to get Bibles to the Dominican Republic. I had this voice in my mind telling me that they would think I was an idiot or they would inwardly make fun of me and think, “Oh, look at Chris. He got so emotional and attached. Isn’t that sweet?” Regardless, I brought up this idea I had at the meeting. I had such fervor and zeal for it. I knew this could be done.

I truly felt that God wanted me to do this. I mean it’s even on their flag! The Dominican Republic is the only country that has an open Bible in the center of their flag. What a great place to extend the gospel by bringing Bibles to them. I did not want to do a one-off thing where we got donations and sent Bibles once. I felt like it was going to be an organization.

After leaving that meeting, I called my friend Shannon. I wanted to ask her for insights on where to start. I trusted the Lord with what was on my heart. I just felt like we had to get the Word out there. As I spoke to Shannon, it was like a spigot had turned on again. I shared my ideas and told her that I did not know where to start. What was I supposed to do? Thankfully, she shared the path that she went down to get her non-profit started. It was like a blueprint was laid out for me in every way possible. Our pastor once said that God will confirm what He is calling you to do. This was one way in which He confirmed it. It was time to move.

To be continued.

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Hi friends! On today’s Draw Near to Me post we begin part 2 of Chris’ testimony. I appreciate how authentic and open he is with all that he shares. It takes courage to be willing to reveal parts of our lives that were challenging and hard. We last left off with Chris wandering away from the church and doing things his own way. Today we get glimpses of how God continued to pursue him. Now, let’s dive into part 2 of Chris’ story. Enjoy!

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I wasn’t living for God at all when I met my wife. Honestly, neither of us had Christ at the center of our lives back then. We had known each other for years and years before we finally decided we wanted to be together. After that, things moved quickly and we got married when I was 28 years old.

My grandfather did not react well when he found out that I was marrying an African American woman. He and my grandmother totally cut me off from that whole side of the family. I was told that it wasn’t what we did. I didn’t understand what was happening. It felt ironic that my grandfather, the one who led me to Christ when I was younger, did not accept my marriage because of my wife’s race. I thought Jesus loved everybody and the color of someone’s skin did not matter.

I began to look over my life and examine the time I spent with my grandparents. Soon, all the memories rushed back. I started to remember that my grandfather had said things against African Americans when I was a kid, but at the time it passed over my head. I asked God what that meant. Was my grandfather really saved? He served and loved God, yet he acted this way. I struggled to reconcile what that meant.

Throughout my marriage, I did not talk to that side of the family. My dad told me that my grandmother snuck out of the house to drop off money when one of our kids was born. Other than that, I did not hear from her. My grandparents were old-fashioned. They had a culture where the man determined what the family was and wasn’t going to do. That was how my grandmother’s absence was explained to me. In the end it didn’t matter to me. How they handled it was totally up to them. I was living my life with my family regardless. Almost 18 years passed before I heard from them.

One day, my dad called to tell me that my grandfather was in the hospital. He was in bad shape. Dad was always the reconciler and believed in family first. He said it would be great if I could come to the hospital. I had a brief initial moment of bitterness and thought, “That’s easy for you to say. I was the one that didn’t have family around all those years.” At the same time I understood where dad was coming from.

After I thought about it, I realized that I would love to see my grandfather. The truth was that I still remembered how he was when I was a kid. I still saw my grandfather from that little boy’s point of view. He was the man that I spent summers with in North Carolina. He was the one that showed me how to change the oil in the car and the tires. He was there for me in a lot of ways. That stuff stuck with me.

Despite everything, I knew my grandfather had a heart for me and loved me. It sounds ironic to say that given everything, but I realized that something else was going on with him. There was a root that the enemy had put in my grandfather. Perhaps it stemmed from the culture or history of the South, but however you wanted to explain it, he simply could not unroot it. For whatever reason, my grandfather couldn’t let go, or refused to let go, even though he had God in his life. I didn’t love those things about him, but I still loved him.

I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I didn’t want to hold on to anger or bitterness. It wasn’t challenging to go because I wanted to see him. Obviously, it was a little awkward running into some family members for the first time in a long time. I think they knew I hadn’t done anything shameful. In the end, I had a chance to tell my grandfather that I loved him. Everything else that happened wasn’t my issue to carry around with me, if that makes sense. I had plenty of my own issues, I didn’t need to carry any others. I just didn’t want to live that way, you know?

When my grandfather passed, my grandmother asked me if I would consider being a pallbearer. I agreed since I remembered loving him deeply as a kid. When I thought back to those years in my life when we didn’t speak, it didn’t really bother me so much. It was his loss that he didn’t meet my kids and my wife. He was the one that missed out on time with us. I wasn’t going to judge him for it.

After the funeral, my grandmother came over and said, “Chris, I want to ask you if you will forgive me for everything. Before your granddad died, I told him that I was going to go to you and ask for forgiveness.” She told me that she had also encouraged him to do the same. Sadly, he refused. His inability to ask for forgiveness left a lasting impression on me. It was such a sad thing. Even though I tried not to carry bitterness, it affected me and impacted other areas of my life.

My wife and I had a blended family. When we got married, I had two kids from previous relationships. She had a son, who was a baby at the time, and the father was not around as much. Once we were married, we had two additional kids together. Initially, we both came into our marriage with this “yours, mine, and ours” mentality. However, her son is my son as far as I’m concerned, so our families did eventually truly blend.

We were just living life and raising our kids. Yet, the reality was that we both brought a lot of baggage into our marriage. At that age, we didn’t realize what we were bringing in and it made things very difficult at the beginning. Over time, those insecurities began to contribute to the destruction of my marriage.

At the time, I didn’t recognize that past issues were stirring in me. Of course, in hindsight I can see some of those things. I remember one time when we went to a marriage counselor and were asked to write a word on a rock. I think we were going to throw it away or something symbolic like that. It was supposed to be a word that was associated with our family or history. The first word that came to me was abandonment. I was still carrying something huge from my past.

Instead of facing that insecurity, I did something that men normally do. I buried everything. I felt like I had to carry everybody’s problems and issues. At the same time, I thought that I could not share my problems because I was the man. I had no outlet. I knew as a Christian that I was supposed to talk to God, but I never really did because of where my heart was at the time.

I look back now and see that I was a husband and father who was a Christian instead of being a follower of Christ who was a husband and father. I wasn’t serving Jesus first and letting Him influence and shape me. I was too busy trying to handle it all. When people didn’t do things the way I wanted, I blamed them for not doing what they were supposed to do. I thought my job as a husband and father was just to take everybody to church. I missed the other roles I should have done. I didn’t see that my wife was carrying around some insecurities and waiting for me to provide a safe environment to unload them. I never gave her that.

Instead, I became a very, very selfish man. I based everything on how I wanted to feel and whether someone else was making me feel that way. It was easy to tell myself that I was trying to do what God wanted me to do, but my wife was not loving me and paying attention to my love language or needs. It was selfish of me. She would have been willing to do things to make me feel loved, except I never let her. I was too busy being angry and wanting things the way I felt they should be done. I felt like she wasn’t living up to my standards and doing what I needed her to do for me.

I wrecked my marriage. The first person that came along and started saying nice, sweet things to me became the person I ran to. I thought that was what I needed, but it led to destruction. I had an affair on my wife. That led to a divorce after 24 years of marriage.

After everything ended it was like the enemy lifted the veil. You go in thinking you have this shiny new thing that is going to make you happy. Then, when it doesn’t and everything wrecks, it’s like the curtain that was drawn away in the Wizard of Oz. Suddenly you hear, “Hey look, here’s what you really got. Your children are devastated and your family is destroyed.”

The dominoes kept falling. It was almost like the enemy was laughing at me saying, “Ha! You’re condemned. You deserve nothing good in your life.” I knew what I had done, but God still had a plan for me.

Prior to our divorce, my wife told me that if I wanted a chance of having it work, I needed to go to church, get counseling and join a men’s group for accountability. I was willing to do whatever it took, so I dove back into church. Even though my marriage didn’t get saved, God hooked me in. He still had things for me to do.

One Sunday, I was at the Church of Eleven22 when they said something like, “If you are in sin, we have people down in the front that you can share and confess it with.” I went down to one of the ministers and did just that. I had finally hit a point where I no longer wanted to live like I was. I needed to be different. I knew only God could change me.

As I continue seeking God, there are times where I wonder if I am trying to make up for what I have done. That’s when I am so thankful for the teachings at the church. I need the reminders that the Word of God says that I am forgiven. That God’s grace covers a multitude of sins, mine included.

Of course, wrecking my life wasn’t God’s ideal plan, but He knew everything that was going to happen. He knew I was going to make mistakes, yet He still loves me despite them. Sometimes I wondered how God could love me after all that I had done. Then He reminded me about people in the Bible, including David, that had major flaws and He still used them. I started to recognize that God was not done with me.

To be continued.

Hi friends! On today’s Draw Near to Me post we begin the first part of Chris’ testimony. A good friend of mine introduced me to Chris via text. Honestly, at the time I was in no mood to meet anyone because I had just received some hard news an hour before this introduction. I wondered why God was challenging me to do Kingdom work when I preferred to be still and catch my breath instead. However, as soon as I had my meeting with Chris, I was so thankful for the opportunity to meet him. I hope that you all will be inspired by his passion for all that God is doing in and through him. I know I was! Without further ado, let’s dive into part 1 of Chris’ story. Enjoy!

I have always struggled with the idea of sharing my testimony. I’ve gone to classes where they say, “Listen, your testimony is what you were before Christ and then what you are after you got saved.” Since mine never seemed that easy and clear cut, I’ll try to kind of share who I am instead.

I was raised by a single mom going to a Baptist Church in Jacksonville, Florida. My paternal grandparents also went there. Early on as a kid, my grandparents always took me up to the mountains. I was the only grandkid they had at the time.

When I was around 11 or 12 years old, I clearly remember being with my grandparents in this little motel room in the mountains of North Carolina. My grandfather looked at me and said, “Hey, if you died today, do you know if you’re going to heaven?” That was like the Baptist playbook to ask, “If you died today…” Like any kid, I remember saying, “Who doesn’t want to go to heaven?” My grandfather had me pray this prayer and I accepted Jesus into my heart.

When we got back home, I talked to the pastor and did all the stuff you were supposed to do. I went down front, did the profession of faith and also got baptized. Again, you had the “playbook” and you followed it. I don’t think I was just going through the motions though. I remember knowing and feeling like there was a change. Even when I was that young, I had that draw, if that makes any sense.

Although I accepted Jesus, I totally rebelled as a teenager. I was not necessarily going against God as I understood it at the time. I was just being a teenager that got into many, many things I shouldn’t have. I wish I could say I got saved at 12, was in youth camps every summer and did everything God wanted me to do, but I went the total opposite way. My parents were divorced and I only saw my dad every other weekend. It was very tough on my mom to raise me because I really did a lot of terrible stuff as a teenager. Later, I would get what I always call “for real saved”. That was when I was more on fire for God.

There are some people that know their salvation birthdate. They can say, “Oh, on February 12^th, 1988, I gave my life to Christ.” I don’t remember any exact date, but I do know I was 20 when the change happened. That was mostly because I couldn’t wait until I turned 21 so I could drink legally!

I had a friend that I partied with all the time. He knew that I played the keyboard and one day he said to me, “Hey, I know this guy named Mike. He has a little Christian gospel group and they want somebody to play the keyboard for them.” I thought that maybe I should use my talents for a good cause, so I agreed to go meet him. I think music was God’s way of drawing me back to Him.

I met Mike and we played in these little storefront churches in Jacksonville. It wasn’t anything big at all. One night, Mike invited me to check out this small church with him. I don’t remember where it was. There were maybe four or five other people in the service when we walked in. I was sitting in one of those little foldout chairs watching them sing when it hit me. I thought, “Look what they’re doing for God. They’re doing all of this for Him.” Tears started to stream down my face.

There was no one asking me if I wanted to get saved. It was just me and God. It was the Holy Spirit that changed my heart. Unlike how I was first saved when I was younger, this moment crossed denominational boundaries. Not that there’s anything wrong with denominations, but it extended beyond the idea of I’m Baptist and here’s what we do and follow. I didn’t care about the “playbook”. I didn’t care about the way I was expected to do things. I just wanted to learn who God was.

I walked away from that night totally turned around. I was on fire for Christ. I just wanted Jesus. I wanted everything God had for me. I think that was the difference of when I was really born again. I fell in love with God and was not trying to stay within any other man-made boundaries or traditions, so to speak, to be near Him. The Holy Spirit can move however He wants to move to reach you. I no longer had limitations on what I wanted Him to do.

After that night, I began to tell my other friends about Jesus and how He had changed me. I told them that I could not hang out and party with them anymore. We were doing a lot of stuff together and I stepped out of everything.

My old friends were shocked and could not believe it. They were trying to keep everything together as it was, but I did not even want to do the music I was helping them with. It was all secular stuff that no longer interested me. They offered to write some Christian lyrics, but I knew that their hearts were not in it. I told them that I could not do it anymore. I knew I had to do what the Lord wanted me to do. So, at 20 years old, I was born again, saved and loved God.

Mike and I eventually became very, very good friends. We would go down to the riverwalk in Jacksonville and witness to people. One night, the police approached us and said that we could not tell people about Jesus anymore. We were told we could share if people asked us, otherwise we could not say anything. Mike and I left that night so on fire for Jesus. We were like, “Man, we almost went to jail for Christ!” It was almost a celebration that we could have gone to jail for Him.

Even though I loved Jesus, I eventually began to backslide. I started getting into some things that I shouldn’t have done and fell into other worldly things. I think it happened along the lines of the way it does for most people. I started down a path where I walked away from God to do something for a moment and thought I could take care of it. That led to something else. Each time I thought, “Oh, I got this.” Then, the next thing you know, I looked and could no longer see the original path that God had me on.

My mindset was that I was doing everything my own way. The funny thing was that during that time I distinctly remember being at this small church and hearing something very important. The pastor was preaching about backsliding from your faith to the 20 people sitting there. He said that backsliding first starts in your heart. It doesn’t start with your actions. Your heart wanders first and then the actions follow. I distinctly remember thinking, “Crap, I think that’s me.”

Although I still went to church and did the things that I “needed” to do, my heart was wandering. I felt convicted during that sermon, but then I thought, “No, I got this.” Joby, the pastor of the church that I go to now, says that the worst thing a man can say is, “I got this.” But that was me. I kept thinking that I had it. That everything would be fine and I was good.

Eventually I wandered away from even going to church. I missed one week or I decided not to go. Then the enemy puts those things in your head where you think, “Hey, you know what? I don’t like the way they do this anyway. Remember what that guy said to you that Sunday or remember what that pastor said?” We start doing these mental gymnastics about what we don’t like and why we don’t need to be there.

All those thoughts led to bitterness. I think that is a key sign of the enemy. That was the point where I should have thought, “Okay God, this is not you.” I should have taken a step back, but I didn’t do that. The next thing you know I had backslidden into old habits. The path was no longer recognizable.

To be continued.

Hi friends! On today’s Draw Near to Me post we have the final part of Hope’s faith journey. It has been such an honor and privilege to share part of her story. For me, she is inspiring. Hope exudes the love of Jesus with a kindness and warmth that is truly felt by those around her. If you have ever witnessed her evangelize, you see how she speaks boldly and confidently about who God is. Hearing her story and all that she has gone through really demonstrates how God uses everything, even the hurt, to bring something new and beautiful to life. Hope is radiant and has emerged from hardships and challenges in a way that shines clearly and glorifies God in the best of ways. Thank you Hope for being so brave to share part of your faith journey. You are incredible. If you enjoy this post, please share it with others. Additionally, if you are willing to share part of your story, please email me at info@drawneartome.com and let me know. With that, we dive into the final part of Hope’s story. Enjoy!

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Life did not become perfect once I was a Christian. I was in college studying to become a vet and it did not go well. My sponsorship had ended and my social worker was trying to sexually abuse me. I tried to report it and no one believed me. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I stopped going to school.

Even though I loved Jesus, my circumstances pushed me back into a deep depression and self-harm. I began cutting myself again. My mom was no longer fine with the fact that I was going to church. At first she became really distant. Then she started hating me. I did not know why. As a result, I did not talk to my mom about what was happening in my life. My situation went from bad to worse. I wanted to die again.

Every day I prayed, “God, you said that you loved me. You said that you would do anything I asked you to do, so just kill me. This is what I want.” I did not see a reason to be here anymore, but over and over God showed himself.

One day I had enough of my situation. I told God, “Okay, if you won’t kill me, I will do it myself.” I went to this busy highway and stood there waiting for a car to come speeding down the road. I planned to jump in front of it before it could stop. I was ready to do it. Then something crazy happened.

While I was standing there, I suddenly had this overwhelming sensation of somebody hugging me. It was as if I was being pulled to God’s chest. I can relate it to how someone holds a baby close to calm and comfort them. I felt a father’s love. It was so strange and weird. I began crying.

Though God didn’t say anything at all, He was filled with so much love, comfort and understanding. It lasted only a few seconds and that was it. There was no audible voice, but it changed everything. I realized He still loved me and cared about me. He wanted me here. After that, I knew God even more as a Father. I no longer think of suicide.

Life did not suddenly become easier. I was living with my mom and brother again and things were not going well. They became verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. My brother pulled my hair, punched me, or slapped me for any reason. My mom stood by and allowed it. She kept telling me that I was stupid and brainwashed for going to church. I did not understand what was happening, but I took it.

One day my mom and brother decided to move. I came home to the place we were renting and saw they had packed up all their stuff. I asked them what was going on. They told me, “We are moving out.” I said, “I didn’t know we were moving out.” They responded, “No, you are not moving. We are moving.” That evening they got a car and left. I was alone with only my clothes and a bed.

I did not know what to do. I had no job and no money to pay the rent. I kept what happened a secret. I continued going to church as if nothing had changed, but my pastor found out. He helped me get my first job teaching that helped me pay my rent. My pastor was really kind and asked me to let him know when I needed something. I often told him that I was fine regardless of whether it was true. It was the grace of God that helped me through.

I was 19 and living alone. My relationship with my mom was initially nonexistent. Gradually we began to speak to each other a little bit. After about 9 months of working at my job, my mom called me and told me that she was sick. She told me to quit my job to take care of her. As it turned out, my mom was fine. Once we spent all the money I had saved up, she became mean again and my brother returned to being abusive. This time it was much, much worse.

I tried looking for a job but could not find one. My mom was trying to force me to get married to anybody. I was not allowed to pray in the house, read my Bible, or go to church. I didn’t have a job or money, so I created a plan to live in the church while I looked for a job. I did not know how I was going to hide that from my pastor, but I could not take the abusive words and being punched anymore.

I began praying and asking God to make a way for me. I remember talking to my twin sister, who lived close by with her husband and baby. I told her that I did not know where I was going to go, but I was leaving. She invited me to come and live with them. My sister said that once I got a job I could start contributing to the rent. I initially refused until she told me it made her feel better if I came. So, I moved to my sister’s place.

While I was living with my sister, I was finally able to find a job. I started to become fully independent again. After a year I moved away and found another place. During that time, I slowly began talking to my mom through my sister.

I still loved my mom even though I did not like her actions. I started praying for God to give me a heart to have a relationship with her. I began visiting my mom for a couple of hours at a time. We didn’t have a lot to talk about and mostly spoke about the basics. I continued praying to God to give me the grace to forgive my mom and just love her. Finally, I forgave her even though our relationship was still not good.

Eventually my mom and I began to rebuild our relationship. Through a series of circumstances, she ended up living with me during the COVID lockdown. It was so bad at first. When I came home from work, we ran out of things to say to each other. I went to my bedroom and she stayed in the living room and watched tv. It was so hard.

Finally, we hit a point where we had to actively try to repair our relationship. We had tough conversations about those childhood moments when I was rejected. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. We often got emotional after a few minutes and had to stop talking. The next day we tried again. It wasn’t easy but we just kept trying. Although my mom did not like it, she was willing to keep going once I explained to her that I really needed to understand her perspective and reasons.

Through those conversations I learned a lot about the fears she had and how she thought she was protecting me. Mom truly thought I needed to be shielded from the madness of being a born again Christian. When I kept going to church, she became angry. My mom felt I was disobeying her from something she was trying to protect me from. Her attempt to force me to get married was her way of pulling me away from Christianity. She had hoped that if I had a man to take care of me that it would stop “this nonsense.”

It took a while for our relationship to heal. I’m not going to lie and say that we talked for two days and everything was fine. We had days when I didn’t know how to talk to her when I came home. She didn’t really know how to process my feelings. It was still hard, but we were talking. I even started sharing the gospel with her and she listened. She still is not Christian, but she still asks questions.

Over the years I have seen the Lord over and over. Once I became Christian life did not magically become good and full of butterflies. No, it was not. It was a challenge and then more challenges. Yet, I saw God and I saw His hand as He moved in my life in so many different ways.

I have seen God prove Himself over and over again. After becoming the first Christian in my family, I had opportunities to preach and share scriptures with my older sister, the one who used to be sick. My older sister used to hate that I was Christian. She told me that I was not allowed to say the name of Jesus in her house. Then one day I gave her a Bible. A couple of weeks later she began reading it and discovering God for herself. She even asked me questions. Now that sister is a Sunday school teacher in this region. She serves as a youth pastor at church and is such a powerful woman of God.

My twin sister also became Christian. She told me that I inspired her to become a Christian. She wanted to find this God that I had because she saw how He repeatedly got me through things. She witnessed how I did not give up on life even though I went through the hardest of times. In response, my twin said, “I want this God.” Even my little brother is Christian now. It is amazing how people that clearly hated Jesus now love Him. I understand that because I hated Him at one point and now love Him as well, so we are the same. It is just so amazing how God does things.

Becoming a Christian does not mean your life is going to be all butterflies and sunshine. It is not going to automatically be easier. If we have been going through poverty, it does not mean we will suddenly become rich. We will go through challenges over and over again, but the best part is we are not going through these things alone. We do not suffer alone. We have a comforter all the time.

God is going to walk alongside of us through everything. He’s going to give us peace, hope and love. He is going to give us the strength to go through things and the grace to get through the things that we think we cannot go through. God does not forsake us.

I have seen God run after me even in times where I was avoiding Him or even ran away from Him. I’ve repeatedly seen His love and grace. It’s overwhelming because we know we don’t deserve it, but we get it. Of all people, I felt the least qualified to get that love, that grace and that mercy. I have asked God questions like, “Why did you not leave me? Why did you not get fed up and say I’m done with you? I know I tried my best to turn from you.” Yet God has been so good to me. He loves me anyway.

When I look back, I realize that if I didn’t go through all the things I’ve experienced, I wouldn’t be who I am. When I think about that, I honestly wouldn’t change it for anything. My story, my challenges, my everything has shaped me to be the kind of person that I am today.

Sometimes I thank God for all those scars because if not for those who or where would I be? Maybe I would be boring or mean. Perhaps I would not be able to understand or relate to what people feel and what they have gone through. I thank God that He allowed me to go through those things, as horrible as they were, because now I am honored that it is all being used for His glory.

Thank you Hope for sharing your incredible story. You are resilient and amazing. God certainly does use you to bring glory. If you enjoyed this post, please consider sharing it with others by hitting the share button. Thank you!

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Hi friends! I hope you are all doing well and had a wonderful 4th of July last week. This week we dive back into Hope’s faith journey. I love her transparency and how she previously shared her opposition to God. Today we dive deeper as she speaks about how God continued to pursue her. Enjoy!

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Months went by from the day I thought my sister was going to die. Although she recovered from her illness, something unexpected happened. The internal fire to know Jesus became so intense that it consumed me. When I passed by the church, I wanted to go in and say, “Hey, I want to know about Jesus. I want to become a Christian.” I continued to fight it. I just could not do it.

One day, I woke up and felt a strong desire to go to church. I tried to push it aside but I could not control it anymore. It was too intense. I told my mom I was going to see my sister and I left the house.

My sister was neighbors with our friend David. His father was the pastor of a church nearby. When I got to her place, I asked if she had seen David. She saw him leave and didn’t know when he would be back. I walked over to his home and asked his family if they knew where he was. Again, I was told that he went to town and they didn’t know when he would return. I felt like time was ticking. I had to see David. I could not take it anymore.

I did not even greet David when he finally came home. Instead, I immediately told him, “Hey David, I want to know Jesus. I want to become a Christian.” He gave me a confused look and then started laughing in my face. He said, “You’re kidding.” I had been so against God that David thought I was pranking him or something. When I became angry with him, he realized I was serious.

David took me to talk with his stepmother, who was also a pastor. He explained what was happening when we arrived. She was so happy. David’s stepmom brought out her Bible and began explaining things as she flipped through scriptures. I promise you that I don’t remember what she said. My mind was set on my response when she said the words to make me a Christian.

It felt like a bomb was ticking and I was running out of time. Finally, she said, “So, you understand what it means to be a Christian? You understand that Jesus died for you?” I agreed and she led me through a prayer of salvation. After saying those words, I felt a heavy weight lifted off me. That was something new. It kind of scared me a little bit, but it also felt really good. I was the happiest I had ever been. I skipped all the way home.

Although I was reading my Bible, I wasn’t really feeling God’s presence. Then one day I had a profound life changing moment. I was at home in a dreamlike state, but I was not sleeping. Suddenly, I had a vision. I was standing alone in this field. It was really green and otherwise empty. I was crying and I hated myself. I had thoughts of killing myself and was really, really sad. I heard, but could not see, people singing worship songs. It felt so peaceful and calming.

As the vision continued, someone called me by my name. I turned around toward this voice and I saw this man in white. I immediately knew it was Jesus standing there. The sun was shining so brightly behind Him that I could not see His face, though I saw the rest of Him.

Jesus told me that He loved me and that I was not alone. He said that He had always been there. I asked Him, “If you’ve always been there, how come I’ve never seen you? Why have I gone through these things?” He replied, “You’ve gone through it all. I saw it all and I loved you through it.” As we walked around the field He continued and said, “I need you to know I am always going to be here with you. Nothing you can do can make me love you any less. I’ll hold your hand, and I’ll never let go.”

Nobody had ever told me those kinds of words before. When I heard them, I asked Him why? Why would He do that when I had said bad things about Him and I didn’t love Him before. Why did He love me? He held me and wiped my tears away. He told me, “I’m going to use you to do a lot of things. I am going to give you joy and love.”

I came out of the vision feeling so happy. I was grinning stupidly for the rest of the day, the week and the month. It helped me realize that He was not punishing me when I went through hard times. I held on to the fact that He will never let go. I felt like I belonged somewhere. I was so relieved that God loved me and did not hate me no matter what I had said in the past.

That was an encounter that I am so thankful for. It has kept me strong through my faith journey. Jesus also told me to believe Him and let Him in. That’s all I had to do. Just let Him in and let Him do His thing. Honestly, that has been challenging for me sometimes because I like to fix things when something is not going well. In those moments, I remind myself again to be still, believe in Him and let Him in.

When I told people about the vision, they thought I was crazy. However, I knew what I had seen. I wouldn’t let anybody talk me out of it. That was how my journey with God truly started. Now even in times when I feel everything is going wrong and God feels far away, I go back and cling to the promises that He gave me in that vision. It was so profound. It changed everything for me.

Although I loved God, I knew it was going to be challenging to tell my mom that I had become Christian. She was against them. A lot of Ugandan people think Christians are crazy. They believe that they have nothing to do but spend a lot of time bothering people and telling them about Jesus. They think they are just shouting and screaming all the time.

When I was younger, my mom had a bad experience with a Christian church that we went to. The pastor of that church took money from my mom and lied about what he was going to do with it. He never did the project he was supposed to do. The pastor basically stole her money. I think that was another part of why my mom hated Christians.

I knew it was going to be hard to eventually tell her that I was now Christian. It would be like telling your mother that you’re pregnant when you’re a teenager. So, I decided that I wasn’t going to tell her. I had to make a plan to go to church without her finding out.

Since my mom was okay with the Catholic church, I lied and told her I was going to second mass. Secretly, I went to a Christian church instead. I left at 10AM but the problem was that Catholic church service ended hours before the Christian church. So, even though I wanted to wait for everything to finish at church, I sometimes left before the service ended. I felt guilty because I did not wait for the Word, but I was just trying to juggle it all.

One day I was asked to be a part of worship and was late to head home. My sister, who knew that I was secretly going to church, was calling me. She said, “You’re dead. Mom is looking for you. Where are you?” I started to come up with excuses for why I was late; however, when I saw my mom, I blurted out the truth. I thought she was going to kill me or something. Instead, she said, “Oh, so you’re crazy now too?” That was it. I was so surprised. After that I was able to start to go to church freely.

To be continued.

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Hi friends! On today’s Draw Near to Me post we will begin part 2 of Hope’s faith journey. Before we get started, I wanted to share one of my favorite stories about Hope. It happened when we were outside preparing to build a mud hut kitchen for a woman in need. As our team looked out at the sky, we saw dark clouds rolling in. We said, “It looks like it is going to rain.” Hope smiled and said with all the confidence in the world, “It is not going to rain because I said it will not!” A few minutes later the rain started coming down. We looked at Hope and teased her by saying, “Hey Hope, it’s raining!” She was not bothered at all. Instead, she threw her arms out wide as if to embrace the rain. With a big grin on her face she exclaimed, “I love the rain!” I think that little story portrays who Hope is. A person with joy in all circumstances. To become the person she is today came with much hardship; however, we can begin to see glimpses of God working behind the scenes. We continue now with part 2 of Hope’s story. Enjoy!

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While I was in high school, I fell into a deep depression. I was popular in school, but I didn’t understand how that was the case. When the depression hit, I didn’t know who to talk to or who would even believe me. I felt like I was going crazy. Outwardly I put on a facade that I was happy and everything was great. I was an actress in high school and I pulled it off; however, inside I was really dying.

There was one person who somehow understood what was going on with me. It was my high school headmaster. For some reason he liked me a lot and not in a creepy way. Every day he made sure to find me and ask if I was okay. I didn’t really understand why. Some days he sent a student to get me out of class and bring me to his office. My headmaster made me sit there and asked me how I was doing. I was like, “I am fine.” He replied, “Is there anything that you want to talk about?” I’d say, “Nope, I’m fine.” There were so many times I wanted to tell him what I was struggling with, but I didn’t know how. I also didn’t want him to think I was crazy. It went on and on like that.

On many occasions I was so depressed that I wanted to take my life. Yet each time I thought about it I got scared and decided not to. One day I was really struggling. I was done with life. I had a plan. At school there was a two-story building that was not fully finished. It was still functional and used for classes. It had a big wide veranda at the top and big concrete stones at the bottom. That day I decided I wanted to jump off it and end it. I was ready to do it, and nothing was going to stop me.

I don’t know why or how, but my headmaster called me to his office that day. I was so mad at him for stopping my plan to jump. I really wanted to do it. Of course he had no idea what my plan was.

The headmaster said to me, “I don’t want you to think I am creepy or anything. I don’t have any bad thoughts or ideas about you. I don’t know why, but I care about you as if you are my daughter. I just hope that if you are going through something you know you can come and talk to me.” Over and over, he asked me if I was okay. I just said, “I don’t know.” My headmaster made me sit in his office for 3 hours that day. After that he kept a watch on me. I am pretty sure he had other people also watch my back as well.

Around that time my sister became very sick and was in terrible condition. She went to the hospital and wasn’t getting better. Sometimes she just passed out. We discovered that it was due to witchcraft coming from my dad’s side of the family. They were still coming after us. My mom ended up taking my sister to witchdoctors trying to save her life. It was a really, really messy time.

From there life got worse and worse. I felt like I was going crazy. Growing up there were so many things that happened to me that I never told anybody. I thought I had to just take it, be the strong one and protect everybody’s feelings. I needed to find a way to cope.

To find relief, I began to go outside in the compound where our house was located. It was there that I talked to the stars in the sky. It was my way of venting. It started because one night I looked at the stars and they seemed to be smiling at me. I randomly told them everything that I felt. It was comforting because I felt like they were listening. They were not telling me I was crazy or laughing at me. For some reason I felt they were talking back and encouraging me, so I made it my routine. Every single night I would go outside, lay down on the grass in the compound and talk to them for hours. It was a comfort that I had during that time.

As teenagers, my sister and I were best friends with David, one of our neighbors. His father was a pastor at the church and David often invited us to go with them. Sometimes he also invited us to go and sing. Since we liked music we told him, “We can come and sing, but we aren’t joining.” The truth was that I did not want anything to do with God. I still thought He hated me. I hated Him too. At least I thought it was a mutual feeling.

One day, my sister became so sick that I thought she was dying. In fact, my mom called me that day and told me that they thought she had died, but she came back to life later. I was really sad. I didn’t know what to do. I was so pissed and angry about what was happening.

That day I was sitting on my bed at the boarding school when one of my classmates approached me. Although we weren’t friends, we had a good relationship. She came to me and said, “Hey Hope, you know what? Jesus loves you.” I said “What?” The way she said it as fact made me mad. I went off on her and told her, “Oh, Jesus doesn’t love me. If He loved me my father wouldn’t have died. I wouldn’t have suffered through all these things and my sister would be fine.” As I was going off on her, she calmly looked at me and said, “You know, you’ll see.” I was so mad. I thought she was crazy or something.

Even though I had no relationship with God, I still had friends in my life that believed in Him. I had some Protestant friends that prayed every day in the morning and evening. A lot of times they invited me to come and pray with them. I told them, “Nope, I’m good. Do whatever you want with your God, but I don’t want anything to do with your God.” They kept inviting me and I kept giving them the same response.

The day I thought my sister was dying, I was so pissed about the circumstance. My friends said, “Come on, let’s pray for your sister.” I finally said I would do it to get them off my back. I wanted them to leave me alone. I quickly shut down any hope that praying would actually do something for my sister.

We first started with a lot of worship. I already knew many of the songs because we sang them in choir at the Catholic church. After we finished singing, they prayed. The entire time they prayed I was basically mentally mocking them, but then something happened. After all that prayer I somehow experienced peace that night. It was interesting and unexpected.

I joined my friends again to pray because I liked the good feeling I had afterward. Then, the more I started praying with them, the more this fire began building inside of me. I felt an internal desire to know Jesus. I tried so hard to shut it down. I kept telling myself, “Nope, that is not happening.”

To be continued.

If you enjoyed this post, please consider sharing it with others by hitting the share button. Thank you!

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Hi friends! On today’s Draw Near to Me post we will begin Hope’s faith journey. I met Hope in 2016 when I went on my first mission trip to Africa. It was a two-part trip where we went to Kenya and then Uganda. Hope was one of our translators at Okoa Refuge in Uganda. She was tender and loving while remaining very bold and fierce when it came to proclaiming the gospel. Hope has been a friend ever since I met her on that trip. She is truly what a radiant, godly woman looks like. I have a fun little story to tell that will give you a glimpse of what she is like, but I will write that next time. Thank you, Hope, for sharing part of your incredible story. God is using you in such mighty and incredible ways. If you enjoy this post, please share it with others using the share button below and consider doing a free or paid subscription. With that, let’s dive into Hope’s story. Enjoy!

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When I was born, both my mom and dad were Catholic. As kids, we went to church, but we didn’t really understand things. Mom had not always been Catholic. In her first marriage her previous husband was Muslim, so my older half brother and sister were as well.

My dad died when I was 2 ½ years old. Mom raised us as a single mother to 5 kids. Over the next few years things got really, really hard. When a husband dies in Uganda, sometimes the relatives do not care if he has kids or a wife. My dad’s side of the family tried to take everything he owned, even if it meant taking it away from our family.

My dad’s relatives wanted our land so badly that they tried several ways to get it. They even wanted to kill my mom to take it. They knew that my siblings and I were so little that there was nothing we could do if they got my mom out of the way. My mom ended up taking them to court and won, but she was a single mother trying to fight them. They retaliated and burned her house down. They did so many things to our family. It became really, really scary.

After the house incident, my mom said enough is enough. Although we were able to stay with cousins and family friends, we were basically homeless for a little while. My mom was working day and night finding charcoal and doing different things to raise money. After a couple of months, she somehow raised enough money for us to move to her hometown, which was about 6 hours away.

Mom thought her family would help us if we moved closer to them; however, they didn’t step in right away. She was still struggling to raise all of us and didn’t have a job. Things got much worse. A friend told her that people would help us if she joined the mosque to become part of the community. Mom started going, but the assistance she hoped for didn’t really happen. After a year, my aunt asked my mom if she wanted her to take care of some of the kids. In the end, my aunt took me and my twin sister.

My aunt was Muslim, so we ended up converting to Islam. I didn’t understand what that meant. We tried to learn the Quran, but it didn’t really make sense. The requirements were many. I was told that even if you were Muslim, you would never go to heaven if your parents were not. My older half siblings were Muslim and my mom had converted to Islam to get help raising us; however, there was still a problem. My dad was Catholic. Since he had passed and could not convert, I realized that I was never going to go to heaven. That was the scariest part for me.

Life was already hard and then it got much worse. While we were with my aunt, my sister and I lived in a town that was about 2 hours away from my mom’s village. Back then, transportation in the villages was available but not very good. They also did not have phones. There was no way to communicate with my mom. She had no clue what was going on.

My aunt was very, very abusive. My sister and I basically became her slaves. It was so tough that I became suicidal at 7 years old. Thankfully, one day my uncle came to visit. After seeing our condition and how we were treated, he went back to my mom and told her, “Hey, if you still want your kids alive, you need to go get them.”

I will never forget the moment I first saw my mom. I was carrying a 20L jar of water along the road to bring back to my aunt’s. It was so heavy I could barely lift it. As I was returning, I saw my mom on a little motor bike taxi. I immediately recognized her when she passed me on the road; however, I was in such bad shape that she did not recognize me. I was extremely skinny and dirty. My hair was overgrown except for a bald patch that developed on the top of my head. My hair had come off on that spot from being forced to carry heavy stuff on it. I looked terrible.

I hurried to meet my mom at my aunt’s house. I said, “Oh mom, I’m so happy to see you!” She looked at me with an expression that was like, “Who are you?” When I smiled she finally recognized me and said, “Hey, is that you?” She was so shocked that she didn’t know what to say and began to cry.

My mom spent the night at my aunt’s place. The next day I told her, “Mom, if you leave me here you are never going to see me again. I’m gonna run away. I’m gonna kill myself. I just cannot live here anymore. I cannot take it anymore.” So, my mom told my aunt that she was taking me and my twin sister back. Even though my aunt was really upset because we were basically her slaves, she could not change my mom’s mind.

My sister and I stayed Muslim after we went to live with my mom. Although we went to the mosque, it didn’t mean much to me. As we got older, we learned about the Quran once in a while, but I didn’t really seek it out.

I was still moved around a lot. I lived with many different people and felt like I was disposable. It damaged my relationship with my mom. She sent me off to live with anyone. Every person that I lived with was a different story. People abused me on so many levels. It was one bad thing after another. I didn’t really have a choice other than to keep it to myself, suck it up and continue living.

In my last year of primary school I came back to live with my mom. The school was almost like an orphanage where children could be sponsored. A Swedish couple selected me and my older sister to receive their support. They paid for our education and chose the high school we went to. It ended up being a Catholic school.

I didn’t really have a religion by the time I was in high school. I was done with everything. I didn’t understand the God thing much, so I didn’t stick to anything. I hated my life. I hated God. I hated almost everything, but the one thing I did love was singing. I made the choice to join the choir at our Catholic school. The cathedral, organs and music were amazing.

I started going to church to be able to sing. I went for the sake of the music. I didn’t have a relationship with God and didn’t want anything to do with Him. I was convinced that He hated me. I thought that everything that was happening to me was my fault or that I was paying for somebody else’s sins, perhaps an ancestor’s. I felt like God was making me be the one to pay for everything.

To be continued.

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Hi friends! I have a confession about today’s Draw Near to Me post.  It was difficult to write.  In fact, over the past couple of months I deleted many versions because I struggled with today’s content delivery.  I knew the Holy Spirit was prompting me to write it, but I could not find peace with the end product.  So, I waited for His timing. 

Early one morning this week, I began writing.  After praying, God revealed that I was troubled with my previous drafts because I felt stuck.  I wanted to speak the truth gently, but the hard reality is that sometimes the truth itself is not gentle.  It can come against our own wills and desires, whatever those are.  For me, I did not want to sound preachy or possibly offend others, but by listening to those fears I limited what God wanted to do through me.  So, let’s rip this Band-Aid off and dive in.

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One of the most controversial amendments coming up on the ballot in Florida is Amendment 4.  Many of us have seen the media coverage for or against it, but have we delved deeper to process what the amendment verbiage actually means.  I admit that in the past I was a little mentally lazy about these things.  I used to read about proposed amendments for the first time by looking at the little ballot descriptions on the fly while I was at the voting booth.  I would either vote if it seemed clear or refrained to put in a response.  However, these amendments require more time to truly discern the full ramifications of a vote.

Amendment 4 is as follows:

Amendment to Limit Government Interference with Abortion

“Limiting government interference with abortion. - Except as provided in Article X, Section 22, no law shall prohibit, penalize, delay, or restrict abortion before viability or when necessary to protect the patient’s health, as determined by the patient’s healthcare provider.  This amendment does not change the Legislature’s constitutional authority to require notification to a parent or guardian before a minor has an abortion.”

(Note that the ballot summary does not include the portion that says, “Except as provided in Article X, Section 22.”)

The title itself is enough for people to make a snap judgement.  Even if you are pro-life, there is something about the words “government interference” that does not always sit quite right in our hearts.  You could title many things “Limiting Government Interference with _____” and a part of me would initially balk at it simply because I don’t like being told what to do, even if it made sense.

Wherever we are on the spectrum of how you feel about Amendment 4, it is important to know what we are truly voting for.  Because amendments change our state constitution, it means that it is much more difficult to alter in the future.  However we vote, there needs to be clarity.

Before it even arrived on the ballot, one of the contentious issues about Amendment 4 was the vague nature in which it was written.  Often when we intentionally fail to clearly communicate where we stand or what our words mean, it serves the purpose of providing a loophole for accountability.  There is more room for interpretation because a certain standard was never created. 

Within Amendment 4 there are many critical points that remain vague.  For instance, do we know how viability is defined?  What is meant when it says healthcare provider? What is considered health? 

Before we contemplate this any further, let’s have a quick refresher about terminology that will be used.  During pregnancy, human development is referred to in stages.  Prior to week 5 of pregnancy the fertilized egg is called a zygote, and this rapidly divides to become a blastocyst.  Between 5 weeks and delivery, there are two stages.  The first is the embryonic stage, defined as weeks 5 to 10 of pregnancy, followed by the fetal stage that starts at week 11 and goes until delivery.  As such, the medical nomenclature refers to the developing human as a zygote, blastocyst, embryo, or fetus.  Now let’s look at the first question.

How is viability defined?  Again, it is not clearly stated in Amendment 4.  According to babycenter.com, fetal viability begins around 24 weeks of pregnancy; however, some doctors consider viability at 22 to 23 weeks.  What does this look like in terms of human development?  Since there is flexibility in what age is termed as “viable”, let’s consider an earlier time. 

Although it marks the halfway point of pregnancy, week 20 falls in the range of when the fetus is not likely to be considered “viable”.  Information gathered from websites describing week by week pregnancy progression, such as thebump.com, indicates that the fetus is the size of a banana at this point. More specifically, it is around 6.5 to 8 inches long and 10.2 ounces in weight.  It may be sucking its thumb, is developing a sleep/wake cycle, and even the fingerprints are starting to take shape on its fingers that were already formed at 9 weeks.  Many women have already felt its movements inside of them well before week 20. 

Examination of what is occurring even during early portions of the embryonic stage, which is defined as weeks 5 to 10 of pregnancy, will reveal that there is a heartbeat around week 6-7.  Additionally, the brain and heart are becoming even more complex at week 7.  In fact, approximately 100 cells per minute are generated in the brain.  At this point the formation of essential organs has commenced, and facial features are developing. 

Again, note two things about this portion of Amendment 4.  First, it does not clearly define “viability”, allowing a broad range for interpretation.  It could be argued that the fetus is not viable all the way up to the 24^th week of pregnancy.  The second is also important to pay attention to.  Up to whatever they determine is “viability,” there are absolutely no restrictions on what circumstances makes abortion allowable.  It may have nothing to do with healthcare.  It is wide open.      

The second portion of that sentence in Amendment 4 indicates that an abortion is legal “when necessary to protect the patient’s health, as determined by the patient’s healthcare provider.”  There is no gestational age limit on this portion.  It means that abortion is open until the point of birth. 

Media coverage in favor of Amendment 4 will speak of how this aspect is determined by the patient’s doctor.  But wait, does it clearly say doctor in the proposed amendment?  No.  It says, “healthcare provider.” 

Well, who provides healthcare?  If you go to a nurse, does that person provide healthcare?  Does a physical therapist? What about a chiropractor?  What about a psychologist?  Surely, we all talk about our mental health, is that not healthcare? That raises another issue of what is determined as “health”?  Does that include mental as well as physical health? 

We may think it is ridiculous to say a therapist could clear us for a late term abortion.  It could be argued that is not what Amendment 4 means when it refers to a “healthcare provider.”  That is a fair objection, yet it should prompt us to ask ourselves why the amendment does not specifically say “doctor,” define who falls under the title “health care provider,” or clarify what is considered as “health.”  As it stands now, those aspects are open to interpretation.

An article in the Pensacola News Journal tried to explain Amendment 4.  It indicated that the Florida Statutes Section 381.026 defined a “healthcare provider” as a physician, osteopathic physician, podiatric physician, or an advanced practice nurse.  Although it acknowledged that the term “health” did not have a formal definition, it proceeded to suggest that the description of an “emergency medical condition” could be used in its place.   The reality is that “health” was never defined and we cannot conclusively give it a meaning in reference to Amendment 4. 

I do not claim to be a lawyer, judge, or someone who entirely understands the nuances of the law, but I did notice something about Amendment 4.  It clearly referred to Article X, Section 22, which is the portion about minors which it upholds.  It makes me wonder why it does not then also reference Florida Statutes Section 381.026 to clearly define a “healthcare provider” or refer to a statute to define viability.  Likewise, why not define “health” if there is no statute to refer to?  Perhaps the inclusion of all that content would be confusing on a ballot summary, but certainly in the written amendment there is room for more specificity.

The final thing to consider about Amendment 4 is the last portion.  It sounds appealing since it states that it “does not change the Legislature’s constitutional authority to require notification to a parent or guardian before a minor has an abortion.”  On the actual amendment (not the ballot summary) this is where the reference to Article X, Section 22 comes into play.  While it indicates the requirement for parental notification of a minor having an abortion, please be aware of what it lacks.  This amendment makes no statement about the need for parental consent. 

Wherever you are on this issue, my desire is for you to know what you are really supporting.  A “yes” means you are supporting all of the above. A “no” does not mean you are against women’s health care, as it is currently being portrayed.   A “no” voices your disagreement with any of the above (including the overall vagueness) to become enshrined in the Florida constitution.

Right now, there is a mentality that people that are “for” a ban against abortion are “against” women’s rights, health care, or freedom.  That depiction is incorrect.  What we are for is simply the life that is within.  We can call it by its medical terminology, zygote, blastocyst, embryo, or fetus to be neutral or to emotionally distance ourselves, but in the end, we are talking about a baby.  Obviously, it is not fully developed in the womb, but if we are honest, once they are born, they are far from complete.  Their brains, digestive systems, immunity etc. are still maturing. That is one of the joys of parenthood is to see our children as they continue to grow.   

Our pastor once said something along the lines of how the womb is one of the most vulnerable places for a baby to be.  To think about that really gave me pause.  How could that be?  If we simply look at how God created us, or perhaps you just want to look at the biology, the pregnancy process is full of protective mechanisms, even from the very start.  In fact, it is fascinating if you look at it.

Did you know that when the egg is released from the follicle in the ovary there is a transformation.  The follicle becomes the corpus luteum that is a transient endocrine structure.  One of its roles is to produce high levels of progesterone.  The purpose is to begin to prepare the lining of the uterus to be a receptive and hospitable place for the blastocyst, which developed from the fertilized egg, to implant.  In that way, it is like it has become a protector of the very egg that it held for so long, but now from farther away.

Following implantation, human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) begins to be produced. This is what is detected in pregnancy tests, but its biological role is even more important.  It creates a feedback loop to communicate to the ovary to keep the corpus luteum structure in place.  As a result, it continues generating progesterone to maintain an optimal uterine environment.  The corpus luteum sustains this provision until the placenta, an entirely new organ, forms and takes over that role.  After that point, the corpus luteum will then disappear.  How beautifully coordinated is that?

There are numerous changes during pregnancy.  As previously stated, a new organ, the placenta, is created to support the growing fetus.  Regions in our brain associated with empathy and social cognition are altered.  Adaptations in our immune system are made to avoid a harmful response to the fetus.  Hormonal changes soften our ligaments for expansion in our bodies to accommodate the fetus, allow for the needed increased blood volume, prevent early contractions, and prepare our bodies for delivery.  These are just a few of the changes that occur, all of which support the fetus. 

Whether we use medical terminology such as zygote, blastocyst, embryo, or fetus, or we simply call it a baby, the reality and biological truth is that there is a vast number of coordinated protective mechanisms in place for it.  It was never insignificant.  Our bodies fight for it, so why don’t we?

God has clearly laid out that He has known us, even when we were unformed.  He has known us in our mother’s womb.  We have always been seen by Him from the beginning. We were always something in His eyes, at every stage of development.

As I finished the editing process of this post, I asked God to give me confirmation that this truly was what He wanted me to share.  I kid you not, a few minutes later I looked at my devotional for the day and saw Psalm 139:13-14.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  Psalm 139:13-14 (NIV)

God’s heart is for the unborn.  Are our hearts aligned with His? With all the confusion around us, may He give us clarity in the chaos.

Thank you for taking the time to go through what we all know is a very polarizing topic.  I appreciate the grace.  If you enjoyed this post, please share it with others.  Thank you and have a great day!

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Pensacola News Journal article:

Not sure how to vote on Florida's Amendment 4? We break the abortion measure down

Hi friends! Today I am sharing part of my testimony. It is only available in an audio format. I hope that you enjoy it and that it brings encouragement to you for whatever your seed of promise is!

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Hi friends! I came across this article that really moved me.  I think it is an example of such a deep and powerful love.  Since this is not a formal testimony, it will be exclusively shared with paid subscribers.  For free subscribers, free access to testimonies will return when I come off maternity leave.  Enjoy!

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Hi friends! The day after I said I was on maternity leave, the Holy Spirit nudged me to write a couple of little posts about this time in our lives.  Although I am still on leave, I thought I would occasionally write something up and share it with you all. Hopefully God will use it to encourage you in some way.  Since this is not a formal testimony, it will be exclusively shared with paid subscribers.  For free subscribers, please stay tuned for the return of the testimonies when I come off maternity leave.  Thank you so much.  Enjoy!

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Hi friends! I wanted to let you all know that Draw Near to Me will be on pause until some point in October. The Lord has blessed us with a new baby, so I will be taking some time off while I am on maternity leave. During this time, I would love it if you would consider if you (or someone you know) would like to share part of your faith journey or a story about how you have witnessed God move. If this is you, please email me at info@drawneartome.com and let me know. I will let you know what the process looks like and if it is something that sounds good to you, we can set up an interview time. Thank you all for reading people’s faith journeys. I hope that what you have encountered here has been encouraging and uplifting for each of you! Draw Near to Me will be back soon.

Hi friends!  On today’s episode of Draw Near to Me, we will begin the final part of Anthony’s faith journey.  For those who prefer to read, today’s content is also posted below.  As a recap, part 1 ended with Anthony being encouraged by his friend, Chris, to come to a prayer group.  Although he was initially hesitant to go, he decided to attend.  It was there that a woman felt he needed not only prayer, but a hug from a mother.  God knew exactly what he needed to be comforted.  That night, he felt the Lord speak to him and ask him to turn away from the things that were harmful to his life.  Anthony agreed.  That became a transformative moment.  Since this is a man’s testimony, my husband, Jeff, will narrate Anthony’s story.  If you enjoy this post, please share it with others using the share button below and consider doing a free or paid subscription.  With that, let’s dive into the final part of Anthony’s story. Enjoy!

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A week or two after that night of prayer, I met Amanda at work.  By that time in my life I had a good job at a credit union and I was transitioning back into something beneficial.  Amanda was going through a tough time in her relationship.  Meanwhile, I was obviously coming out of my divorce.  As we leaned on each other, we became really good friends. 

During that season, I started going to the church that my friend Chris went to.  I began serving there and got involved in that community.  Eventually Amanda and I started dating and went to church together.  That was where she got saved. 

Amanda and I were married by the pastor from that church.  It was a really beautiful time.  This coming October we will have been married for 12 years.  A friend of mine joked with me and said,” You know, God made you wait for a number of years with your career, but He knew that you needed Amanda right away.”  I am so thankful for her and what God has done.

When Amanda and I first got together, I was still a train wreck to some degree.  Our finances were an absolute mess.  We were essentially living paycheck to paycheck.  Together, we had over $75,000 in debt despite the fact that we were working, paid our bills on time, and did what the average person does. Even though we thought we were doing all the right things, the problem was we never could get caught up.  We were drowning in debt. 

We realized that this was not God’s design for marriage.  It was not His plan for us to live in poverty.  So, we signed up for Dave Ramsey’s financial program, The Total Money Makeover.  It is essentially like his Financial Peace University but branded differently.

One of the first issues that I faced was a psychological challenge.  I knew in my heart and mind that what God wanted for my finances was different than what I was actually doing with them.  Even though I was tithing, I wasn’t living in line with His Word.  I knew I was not being a good steward of my money. 

In my previous marriage, I had developed a spending mindset.  I thought, “Hey, you’re always gonna have debt so why does it matter? You’re always gonna have a car payment, so get a nice car because you’re gonna be paying for one anyway.  You don’t need savings, that’s what you have a credit card for.  You can use that in case there’s an emergency.”  That mentality had been there for years of my life.  I knew what I was doing wasn’t right, but there’s a difference between knowing it and having it be a part of your core.  I honestly had to reprogram my brain. 

God helped us through that process.  Before the Dave Ramsey program, Amanda and I didn’t have a good budget or the tools to be successful.  Once we came out of that program, we felt totally equipped and empowered.  It was so freeing.  Amanda and I tackled our finances as a team.  We made the decision that being in debt was not the way we wanted to live, so we were going to make a change.

There was a psychology to the Ramsey program that almost created new pathways of thinking for your brain.  To see the little victories and wins of paying off a small debt felt so good.  However, in some ways because I am a high achiever, it did not feel like it was good enough.  We paid off a $300 credit card bill and I canceled the card, but my mind moved to the $12,000 debt or whatever was next in line.  At times it was difficult to be satisfied with the baby step of clearing a small debt.  What I really wanted to tackle was the larger one.

It was incredibly hard to come up with creative ways to pay off all of the $75,000 in debt.  God used real estate to help us out of part of that situation.  That is one reason why I sell houses as a portion of my business.  I know the power of it and the leverage that’s there, so I am a big proponent for it. 

The last huge debt Amanda and I tackled was a $32,000 student loan.  I couldn’t figure out a way to pay it off because it was accruing so much compound interest.  Even if we made payments for the next 30 years, it would not be enough.  So, we finally decided to get radical.  Amanda and I sold our house. 

After paying off the closing costs and setting aside the $32,000, we walked away with $200 extra that we could use to celebrate.  We took our friends out to a Japanese steak house and treated everyone.  Then, we sent in the check that covered our entire balance to the student loan company, which was paid for by the sale of our house. We were finally completely out of debt.

In the end, the process was so freeing.  I now had the tools to finally succeed and went through the experience with a wife that was super supportive.  The debt we used to have would smother me.  It could feel overwhelming, like the walls were caving in on me.  There was a fear that went along with it.  What if we missed a payment? What if someone lost a job? What if? What if?  Those what ifs kept me up at night.  I didn’t want to live like that anymore. 

Through that time God did an incredible healing in my life.  He completely transformed us and our finances.  He also gave us a ministry.  Amanda and I now lead Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University through our church.  Through this, we have been able to help other people that are going through similar challenges and struggles.  God is now using the brokenness of that time and that season for good.  Amanda and I get to teach people the same principles that we have learned and continue to adhere to. 

It has been so fulfilling to be able to help people out of debt and to allow them to see that there is hope.  What is so powerful is that we are not doing the work for them, we are just giving them the tools and the confidence that they need to overcome those challenges.   They begin to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that they don’t have to live that way. 

I think the challenge is that our society is built around debt. If you look at a lot of the systems that are in place, for example student loans, many are designed to keep people pouring back into the system.  While it would be good for the individual, if you taught an entire generation of people how to properly handle their finances and do things the right way, it would cause problems.  Society as a whole was not designed to operate that way. 

Regardless, for us it’s really a beautiful journey to see people break free from debt.  It’s so powerful on so many different levels.  Even the generosity aspect of it.  We have seen people change their patterns of behavior toward money.  If we really dig down deep, how we spend money is often a heart issue.  There’s a psychology behind it.  It is the greatest thing to see when people recognize that.  When they decide that they are going to be more generous.  Witnessing how their life on earth has changed because their hearts have, now that’s eternal.

God has moved in so many ways.  Not just in terms of the financial aspects of my life.  Over the past 20 years, God has taken me through the brokenness of my past marriage, of finances, and relationships with my family.  Perhaps I was not living on the streets, or eating ramen every day, but I still had deep wounds and hurts that God has brought me through.  Even my family, which scattered after my mom passed away, has reconnected.  In fact, most of us now live in the same area.  We have had opportunities to really come together as a family.  Recently, I’ve even had the chance to gain insights and learn what it was like to lose mom from one of my sibling’s perspectives.  God has been using all these different moments to mend relationships and to bring us all closer together.

During all the seasons of my life, God is good.  He was always with me.  When I hold on to this understanding, it helps me a lot and I’m in a much better place.   I look back and I can see those darkest times and those most difficult moments, but I was not alone.  When I lost my mom, when I had given up on life, when things felt dark and lonely, God was always there.  He’s always near and close by. 

God is always right there with us, but we don’t always see it or grasp that.  As I get older, I realize more and more how good He is.  I am enough because He is.  Over the years, I have gained a better understanding of how God has always had good plans for me.  I am simply in awe of Him and His power at work.

Anthony, thank you again for sharing part of your beautiful story.  I loved so many moments of it.  I also appreciate how transparent you were with the process of becoming debt free.  What an important message for us to hear, especially in a culture that tells us that debt, and the way it imprisons us, is a norm.  I hope that many will see the freedom that comes with being a good steward of what God has given us! If you enjoyed this post, please consider sharing it with others by hitting the share button.  If you are not already a subscriber, consider doing a free or paid subscription so you don’t miss any content and to support my work. Thank you!

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Hi friends!  On today’s episode of Draw Near to Me, we will begin Anthony’s faith journey.  For those who prefer to read, today’s content is also posted below.  I met Anthony through my husband, Jeff.  While on one of the Element 26 men’s retreats, Jeff had asked him if he would be willing to share his story.  Anthony was courageous enough to agree.  I had the great pleasure of talking to Anthony for the first time and learning part of his story on the day I interviewed him.  You could immediately tell he was very kind, enthusiastic, and has such a heart for other people.  I loved the part of his story that he felt called to share.  I hope you all will as well.   Since this is a man’s testimony Jeff will narrate for us.  If you enjoy this post, please share it with others using the share button below and consider doing a free or paid subscription.  With that, let’s dive into Anthony’s story. Enjoy!

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I was born in New York, but our family eventually moved down to Florida.  We used to vacation there at least once a year.  My parents finally got tired of shoveling snow and living in the cold, so in 1995 we headed south.  Although I had a big family with seven siblings, I did not spend a whole lot of time with many of the older ones.  As I was growing up, many of them had already moved out of the house. 

Mom was really the glue that kept everything together.  My entire life, she was always the one that was there for me.  My mom was a really strong, faith-based woman.  Everything she did was built around serving and honoring God.  As a result, I kind of grew up in church.  There I was exposed to youth ministries that were pivotal in my spiritual growth.      

In contrast, my dad was someone I could call on for help, but that was about it.  For me, there was no closeness or friendship there.  Sometimes it felt like we had more of a transactional relationship.  That was another reason why I was so close with my mom.

When I was a teenager, mom was diagnosed with cancer.  She battled it for a long time, yet I don’t think her faith ever wavered a bit.  It is possible that it did in the quiet times, but she definitely didn’t let us believe that.  My mom taught me the foundations of giving and loving people.  Even with cancer, that never changed. 

Around my early 20s, during the time when I was in the police academy, my mom’s health took a turn for the worse.  Eventually there was a point where her body could no longer function.  She lost all her abilities and was placed in hospice; however, from what I could tell, even in her last days she was still strong in her spirit and her faith. 

Our family went to visit her on Mother’s Day.  For the most part, she was pretty much not there.  The nurse told us that our mom was somewhat of a shell at that point, and there was nothing left other than her spirit.  She told my dad, “Hey, somebody should let her know that it’s okay to go.”  Mom’s spirit was holding on because that was who she was.  She was a fighter. 

Dad went into mom’s room and chatted with her.  He let her know that we were there for her, and that we knew that she was staying here for us.  He told her, “It’s okay, you can let go.”  When he came out of the room, the nurse went in to check on her.  Up to that point, mom’s eyes had not been open.  When the nurse came out a moment later, she said that her eyes opened.  Suddenly, mom started glancing around the room as if she was tracking something.  It was almost as if she was following a light, an angel, or something that was not physically visible in the room.  Then she was gone.

My mother was the person who brought us all together.  Once she passed, it felt like I lost everything.  I even kind of lost my dad in some ways.  He was around because of my mom.  She was the one who kept everything moving along.  Our family all kind of went our separate ways.  Everybody fended for themselves.

I was in a difficult place in my life at that time.  I was still trying to figure out what I wanted to do and had just started a career in law enforcement.  I was married but I didn’t really know where to turn or what to do after mom passed away.  My wife and I talked about what to do next.  We decided to get out of Florida and start our life over together. 

After we moved, my wife and I tried to make ends meet and work some things out.  I began navigating a new career and went back to school to get my bachelor’s degree.  In the end, the fresh start was far from what I expected.  My wife left me, and I was not in a good place.  I had lost my mom, given up on my career in Florida, moved across the country to an unfamiliar place, and felt like I had nobody.  I did not understand what was happening.  To some degree I may have felt a little resentful. I thought, “God, I did all the right things.”  Yet I was in a position where I felt like I had nothing left. 

I was going to church during that time, but it made my situation 100% worse.  Some people there criticized me about my wife’s decision to get divorced.  What was I supposed to do? I had already offered to do whatever it took to make it work with my wife, from counseling to even moving back to Florida.  I felt as though people were rebuking me by telling me divorce was not God’s design or plan, but again, what option did I have? I had no say in the matter, it was my wife’s choice to leave. 

I thought I would find hope, help, and strength in that church, but instead it was like pouring salt into the wound.  During that season, everybody knew what I was going through.  I remember reaching out to one of the pastors for help, but he did not answer the phone or call me back.  A couple of days later I did receive a call from the church; however, it was not to acknowledge what I was going through.  Instead, they asked me if I was willing to volunteer with the band a couple extra services that month.  I felt burned by the church, but at the same time I didn’t think that was God’s heart.  I felt like that was human error, but regardless it was very hurtful.

I was in a dark place.  Although I never had the set intention to take my life, I was also okay if it ended.  I remember sitting in my car on the top of a cliff one day.  I thought, “I can just put it in neutral, roll off, and see what happens.”  I was completely fine with that notion. 

Before I did anything, God placed my dog on my mind.  It sounds silly, but He reminded me that I had to go home, feed my dog, and take care of him.  My dog loved me, and I was responsible for him. For a long time, I used to joke and tell my dog that he saved my life.  The fact was that knowing I had something in my life that loved me was so important at that moment.

Even though things were difficult, a couple of cool things happened in that season.  I had a friend, Chris, that I worked with.  I finally reached out to him.  I shared that I was out there on my own, and I didn’t know where to turn or what to do.  Somehow, I ended up with all the debt from my previous marriage. I was in transition in my career and I didn’t have anything to lean on. 

Chris told me that he was going to look into something and get back to me.  A little while later, he told me that he had reached out to his brother who had a spare bedroom in his home.  His brother told me, “Hey, I barely know you, but Chris vouched for you.  So, you can come here.  It’s free.  Whatever you need, I’m here for you.”  I knew his brother didn’t know me or owe me anything, and yet he opened up this amazing opportunity.  I really saw God work through that kind offer.

Chris and I became really good friends during that time.  One day, he said, “Hey, I want you to come to this prayer group with me.”  To be honest, after I had left that one hurtful church, I was turned off from those types of things.  I explained to Chris why I did not want to go.  He shared with me that it was not a church function, rather just a group of people that got together and prayed. 

At that time I was single and more interested in going out to party.  Attending a prayer group on a Friday night was not on the top of my list of things to do.  Long story short, Chris bugged me enough that I finally decided to go.

That night, I was sitting in the prayer group and this lady approached me and asked if she could pray for me.   I knew I was in an unstable place emotionally and mentally, so I agreed.  I could take all the prayer I could get.  Unexpectedly, she said, “I feel like you need a hug from a mother.”  I was taken aback.  She didn’t know me, my situation, or that I had lost my mom.  I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit.  As the woman prayed for me and hugged me, I received the comfort that I had needed for so long. 

That same night, God told me something.  He said, “Hey, you need to stop running around.  Stop partying.  Stop what you’re doing that’s destructive.” I wrestled with that for a bit because I felt I had done the right things growing up, the things I was supposed to do, and yet my current life circumstances did not seem to line up.  God was persistent though.  I felt in my spirit that He said, “Just stop.  Knock it off.”  I finally agreed.

That whole evening was so transformative.  I was so thankful for the lady that prayed for me that night and that she said “yes” to what God asked her to do.  That night changed the trajectory of my life. 

To be continued.

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Hi friends!  On today’s episode of Draw Near to Me, we will begin the final part of Michael’s faith journey.  For those who prefer to read, today’s content is also posted below.  As a recap, part 3 ended with Michael and Sarah realizing that they needed to take a break from missions.  By that point, they had been in the field for around ten years without a break.  They felt God call them back to Florida for Michael to take on the role as an unpaid intern at a church they had previously attended.  Since this is a man’s testimony, my husband, Jeff, will narrate Michael’s story.  If you enjoy this post, please share it with others using the share button below and consider doing a free or paid subscription.  With that, let’s dive into the final part of Michael’s story. Enjoy!

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The internship program at Beach church and the people in it were fantastic.  Of course, there were times where the transition from being a full-time missionary to becoming an intern were met with mixed emotions.  It could be difficult to go from being in the mission field teaching theology to other missionaries, to now sitting in a class and discussing it.  Many of the interns were young adults, but I was married with kids.  In general, that placed me in a very different phase of life. 

Yet, in the moments where it was hard, I grasped on to the fact that Sarah and I felt strongly that this was what the Lord wanted us to do.  I told myself, “You can have your pride if you want, but if this is what God asked you to do, then this is what it entails.”  It was a very big change from our former life, but we recognized that God was doing something in the midst of it.

Behind the scenes, we were also going through a crazy time.  For a lot of different reasons, our donor support started to dwindle.  It didn’t matter what we did or how we communicated it, a lot of it started disappearing.  We realized within the first month of being in Jacksonville that we only had enough money to live there until the beginning of December.  I was committed to an 11-month unpaid internship, yet we had no idea how we were going to figure it out financially.  

Two weeks after that realization, God moved in an unexpected way.  Sean, the serve pastor, announced that he planned on leaving the church.  He was one of the best people I had ever met and worked with.  After breaking the news, Sean talked to me about taking over his role.  We saw everything eye to eye on what the job needed to be.  Our philosophies lined up exactly. 

In the end, I was selected to take on the serve pastor role at Beach church.  I started in November, right before our income would have run out in December.  We did not foresee any of this when I initially stepped into the internship.  God really took care of us.  Soon, my one-year commitment turned into three years.

It was a real privilege to work at Beach.  The Lord used that experience to give me a greater heart for the local church.  I gained a deeper appreciation for how God flourished His Kingdom in a new setting.  Up to that point, I had skills required to do things in the mission’s world, which was drastically different.  Instead of finding ways to accomplish things in countries where our presence was not welcomed, I was learning other valuable lessons such as how to coordinate logistics for large events.  God used that time to equip me to do things in different ways while refining my perspectives on Kingdom work.

By the fall of 2021, we were just kind of cruising along.  Things had been good.  The kids were doing well and had more of a normal lifestyle.  When we were in the mission setting, they went on trips with us and were even present in the background at our meetings.  The format was different in the local church, and they were not as involved in the day to day.  Now, instead of being wherever we were, they had more of a set routine of being at home or with friends after school.  

One evening, we were having dinner with our family.  Our boys were around 11 years old at the time.  I was talking to my wife and the boys randomly asked, “Is this it?”  Sarah and I didn’t really have any context for what they were questioning, so she asked them what they meant. They said, “We get up, go to school, come home, play a little bit with friends outside, eat dinner, and go to bed.  Is this what we do every day?”  We told them that yes, that was kind of what normal life looked like.  In response they said, “We really miss being missionaries.”

That was an impactful moment for Sarah and me.  We were always concerned about how our ministry, especially in missions, affected our kids.  We wondered if they felt like they were being dragged around the world without any choice in the matter.  When our boys announced that they missed being missionaries, it was a relief to know that life on mission was not a detrimental experience for them. 

The boys’ comment was also a reminder to us that we needed to pray to see if we were where we needed to be.  We were about to start our third year in Jacksonville, with a year long commitment ahead of us.  So, over the next six months, we asked God whether we should go or stay.  As we prayed, we felt like there was a change coming up, but we had absolutely no clarity as to what that meant. 

While in Florida, both Sarah and I had gone back to school to get degrees.  I was finishing my Master of Theology program and she was finishing her bachelor’s in psychology.  Both of us were graduating that upcoming summer.  Additionally, our daughter was moving into elementary school and our sons were moving into middle school the next year.  Everyone had a transition coming up. 

We prayed about every option.  After several months, we felt God directing us to step back into vocational missions, specifically through YWAM.  However, we had no clue what type of mission work He wanted us in, or what location He wanted us to go to.

One of my favorite YWAM leaders had once told me that if you knew that God had spoken something, but you don’t have clarity on what it is, then don’t move until you get that clarity.   Don’t assume the timing.  Don’t fill in the gaps yourself.   Despite all our prayers, we did not have a definition for what God meant by transition.  Later, we realized the reason we weren’t getting anything was because we were asking the wrong question.  

Over a decade before that point, in 2010, my wife and I went to Michigan to visit family.  We had just begun our journey to become missionaries and were still in our YWAM training phase of life.  Sarah had family all over the state, from Detroit, to Flint, to the west side.  While visiting, we went to a church service.  It was there that she felt God speak to her about the possibility of being in Detroit. 

For us, the idea of being in the inner cities in North America was a struggle.  Those places simply functioned in a different way.  As a result, many ministries have not tapped into those regions.  Even though we felt this strange call to Detroit way back then, year after year we felt God was sending us everywhere else.  

In 2014, some of our friends moved to Detroit to start something.  We did not understand why we were sent elsewhere because we felt a heart for that place.  We missed out on being part of the initial team that pioneered a ministry there.  As a result, Sarah and I wrote off the calling and chalked it up to being young and ambitious. 

Years later, as we prayed and asked God about everything but Detroit, nothing was sticking.  When Christmas came around, we visited family in Michigan.  While we were there, we also met with friends who were with the Detroit YWAM team.  They knew that we were praying about what to do next, but we did not talk about the possibilities of being up there.  We certainly were not thinking about it, we had given up on that calling long ago.

A month or so later, our friends contacted us.  They said, “We are going to be honest and upfront with you.  We really feel the Lord asking us to make a formal invite to you guys to pray about coming here. This is not a recruiting ploy to get you here, we really felt strongly that He said we should make that invite.” 

At YWAM we were taught not to say “yes” or “no” to people right off the bat.  We at least give them the courtesy to pray it through.   At first, we were like, “OK, we’ll pray about it.”  In reality, we thought we would pray and then tell them “No” the next day. 

As Sarah and I began praying about the invite, God began to immediately reveal things to us.  Up to that point, we had asked about everywhere else except Detroit.  It was the one thing we weren’t asking, but that was the only thing God was ready to speak about.  

It took us six months to start asking the right question, but that was the difference.   It’s not a hard and fast rule, but I think that sometimes God would love to answer us, but we are not asking the right thing.  If He gave us a “yes” or “no” to the wrong question, then we are still going to come up with a wrong answer.   Until we make the adjustment to what we are actually supposed to be thinking and praying about, it can be a barrier to discerning the right direction.

Once we asked God about Detroit, He gave us answers to the puzzle piece that had been missing for over a decade.  God brought up everything from the past 12 years and why we were sent to what felt like random places.  All the times of not knowing was preparing us for the bigger picture.  Every bit of it was one step in a long process of equipping us to be able to handle being in Detroit. 

For the first time since we began our missionary journey, we could put language as to why we were in each location. For example, we were in Latvia fighting human trafficking because we were going to come across that in Detroit.  We conducted in-depth Bible training in Madison because we needed to share those skills with others.  The leadership experiences we gained on mission and in the local church at Beach were all steppingstones.  They were blocks that built a foundation to allow us to legitimately say “yes” to being in Detroit. 

We accepted the opportunity to get back into missions in Detroit and moved in the summer of 2022.  Over the last year and a half, every aspect of what I learned from the different places God sent us has already come into play.  I’ve drawn on all the experiences we’ve had to help build what we are doing here in partnership with other churches and ministries.   

Overall, I think the encouragement is that sometimes we have to be okay that we don’t have all the answers about what is going on.  We can trust God is seeing the big picture and that in the long run He is doing something with it.  As long as our heartbeat is to be obedient, then God is going to write something with our story.   We have to be patient, wait for the picture to form, and not always rush to get to the destination as quick as we can. 

I’ll be honest, if we went to Detroit back in 2010 when it was initially placed on our hearts, I almost 100 percent believe that we would have done more damage than good.  The state of who we were then and aspects of our discipleship still needed to be worked out.  My thoughts on the church, ministry, and how to serve others had to be refined to compliment what He is doing in this place.  God had to work out the rough spots in who I was. 

Sometimes we’re too quick to sacrifice the process for results.  I believe that is partly because our culture pushes us to see immediate outcomes if you are going to do anything meaningful.  I think we’ve got to align ourselves with God’s purposes for our lives.  Yes, there could be immediate success, but when there’s not, it does not necessarily mean that it’s a disappointment or a failure.  As long as you’re walking in obedience, there will be something that comes out on the other end.   It just has to be according to how God’s working it, not necessarily how we are trying to push it forward. 

I have learned to trust God even when things don’t quite make sense.  It is not about how to make progress happen according to everybody else’s definition around me, but rather making my daily obedience to God my measure for success.  At the end of the day, it is all in His hands.  All we can do is walk as faithfully as we can and trust that when we look back, we will see what God has been doing all along in the process.

Michael, thank you once again for sharing your story.  It has been a real privilege to be able to learn from your wisdom and insights! If you enjoyed this post, please consider sharing it with others by hitting the share button.  If you are not already a subscriber, consider doing a free or paid subscription so you don’t miss any content and to support my work. Thank you!

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Hi friends!  On today’s episode of Draw Near to Me, we will begin part 3 of Michael’s faith journey.  For those who prefer to read, today’s content is also posted below.  As a recap, part 2 ended with Michael and Sarah finishing their YWAM training and beginning their time as missionaries.  The first location they were called to was Jacksonville, FL.  Since this is a man’s testimony, my husband, Jeff, will narrate Michael’s story.  If you enjoy this post, please share it with others using the share button below and consider doing a free or paid subscription.  With that, let’s dive into part 3 of Michael’s story. Enjoy!

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Sarah and I had been at the Jacksonville YWAM location for almost two years.  As we closed in on the end of that commitment period, we began to pray about where God was leading us.  Once again, we knew He was calling us elsewhere, but we needed to figure out what the next location was going to be. 

In ministry and missions, our hearts may want to go where there is a need, but the problem is that there are a million needs in the world.  We are often inundated with them.   For us, discerning where God wanted us to move next was often a process.  We had to determine where there were great things to work on, understand what we could be effective at, and know what we were actually gifted in and called to do.  It is one of those myths that if there is an open door it must be of God.  The reality is that God is not the only one that opens doors, so we still must take the time to discern which one is right. 

To be honest, we were surrounded by people being sent out to other places, often overseas, so the idea of being movable was nothing out of the ordinary.  It may not be much different than the day to day experience that people have when God asks them to do some step of obedience.  Perhaps for some, that prompt is something as simple as going to go talk to someone at a grocery store.  For us, being immersed in the mission setting, it became a normal practice to just pick up and go. 

When it came time to discern where God wanted us, we considered what the specific needs were for a position. We then evaluated whether it was something God had equipped us to handle.  If we had certain qualifications, it narrowed down the different locations we considered.  From there it was often a question of whether someone was willing to pick up and go with their whole family.  We were always open to doing that part of the equation. 

Again, we prayed and had others pray with us to confirm what the next step looked like.  Sarah and I never wanted to be on an island figuring it out ourselves.  So, in some ways, discerning where God was calling us for the next step was not anything super groundbreaking or dramatic.  It was determining if we could help with a need and then, through the prayer process, knowing if that was where we felt like we should head.

For Sarah and me, our next step after Jacksonville led us to the West Coast, in Portland, OR.  There we worked with an anti-human trafficking ministry.  Part of that work was conducted in Latvia.  We spent 7 months in Eastern Europe doing mission work. 

My wife worked in a café ministry.  They opened their doors from around 9:00 PM to 1 AM in the morning.  Women on the streets were invited into the café where they were offered food and coffee.  Over time, they built relationships with the women and got them connected to the rehabilitation center, which was attached to the coffee shop.  There they could receive job training and free counseling.

Meanwhile, I was running a men’s targeted ministry.  Every weekend in the downtown Latvia area there were pockets of guys that came in.  They were there for bachelor parties, strip clubs, and prostitution.  I led a team of guys from an international church to those areas.  We approached those groups of men that came downtown for the clubs and prostitution and talked to them directly about their life choices.  Why were they there and did they understand how those decisions impacted real people?

We targeted the men with the idea that these human trafficking industries existed because there was a demand for them.   While the café ministry worked on getting people out in rehabilitation, the men’s ministry was to use prevention as a long-term solution.  If we could get the people who are paying for the services to rethink their participation, then we could diminish the industry before it started. 

When we returned to the States and our time commitment in Portland, OR came to a close, we prayed again about whether to remain at that site or if we were called elsewhere.  Once more, we felt God direct us to a new location.  This time we headed to Madison, WI.  

Madison was the only place that we stayed much longer.  We were there for about five years.  There I was a part of an in-depth Bible training.  We taught, preached, and went to parts of the world where there was no access to training.  For instance, we went to places in Africa and Asia, especially in rural villages.  We sometimes discovered that the only qualifications to pastor a church were simply being the oldest person that owned a Bible.  They did not necessarily have any idea what they were doing.

We went to many locations for 2 or 3 weeks at a time.  While we were in the field, we trained the local pastors and gave them Biblical resources.  In one location, we even ran an underground Bible school alongside of the indigenous leaders for six months.  That mission work was done in an Asian country that was a closed nation to the gospel.  It was in that setting where our daughter learned to walk. 

When you lumped all of our experiences together, and saw the pieces fall into place at the end, it looked good.  However, it was a different story if you’re in the process of waiting for that picture to develop.  From an outsider’s perspective, when you mapped out everywhere we had been, from Jacksonville to Portland to Latvia to China to Madison etc., we looked like we could not focus. 

The fact was that at each transition state over the years we only moved on because that was what we heard from God.  To be honest, half the time we felt guilty.  Often when we reached that two-year mark where we had to reevaluate and ask God where He wanted us, we were established, and that place felt like home.  It was challenging to go to leaders and to tell them that as crazy as it sounded, we felt we were supposed to leave.  It was even harder to explain it to people that were not within those circles.  For them the norm was to stay in a job.  It didn’t make sense that we were always moving. 

Despite being called by God to each place, we still had people ask us what we were doing and what our specific long-term call was. People, from pastors to those supporting us through donations, told us that it appeared like we had no clue as to what we were actually trying to do.  They just thought we were going everywhere.  Those were real conversations we had on a regular basis. 

Although I understood those were valid questions, I was sitting there trying to figure out how to answer them.  I was simply taking things one step at a time and following where God called us.  Yes, we were passionate about several things, but we did not know exactly what it culminated into.  What I knew was that I was doing what God asked me to do and walking in obedience to Him in the way He asked.

Once we hit 2019, Sarah and I had been going for ten consecutive years in missions without any real break.  At that point we felt the Lord leading us to take a different season.  We needed to regroup a little bit as a family.  By that time, in different ways, I had probably been to 22 countries or so.  Between shorter term trips, to longer missions, and some travel done after a mission trip, we had been to many places.  Even our boys had been to around 10 countries by that point.  This did not even include all the travel and movement we did from city to city over the years.  We were a family of five, and living as missionaries was starting to take its toll on us as well as our kids. 

Sarah and I knew we could no longer remain in Wisconsin.  I was too involved in leadership to be able to take a true sabbatical.  It would not be an actual break.  Through a lot of different times of prayer, we felt God consistently brought up the idea of moving back to Jacksonville.   We had been there before and loved the city and the church we used to be a part of.  We decided to explore the possibility of moving there, and within a day my wife discovered an opportunity while searching online. 

The church we used to attend, Beach church, was holding an internship.  Even though it was an unpaid position, I became interested in it as Sarah described it.  For us, as support raised missionaries, we felt it could work as long as our donations stayed consistent.  So, I began the application process.  By then I had 10 years of leadership and ministry experience in missions, so getting the job of an unpaid internship was fairly probable. 

In the end I was offered one of the open positions.  We did not know what our time of sabbatical from mission work would reveal, but we knew it was time to rest in some ways.  In 2019, we moved our family from Wisconsin straight to Jacksonville, FL.   In the fall I started as an intern at Beach Church working specifically with the lead pastors at the time.

To be continued.

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Hi friends!  On today’s episode of Draw Near to Me, we will begin part 2 of Michael’s faith journey.  For those who prefer to read, today’s content is also posted below.  As a recap, part 1 ended with Michael and Sarah being challenged to discern whether mission work was what they were called to.  One of the leaders from YWAM told them that if it was not truly from God, then life as a missionary would chew them up and spit them out.  They had to know for certain what God was telling them.  Since this is a man’s testimony, my husband, Jeff, will narrate Michael’s story.  If you enjoy this post, please share it with others using the share button below and consider doing a free or paid subscription.  With that, let’s dive into part 2 of Michael’s story. Enjoy!

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Sarah and I still felt called to be missionaries.  We were not testing the waters to see what happened, we were committed.  Over the next year we spent about 9 to 10 months preparing to go to the YWAM training school located in Nashville.  It was not a simple process.  Sarah and I had to find homes for our pets, quit our jobs, and sell our house.  We knew we were headed down this path and, in some ways, set it up so that there was nothing to come back to. 

Of course there were difficulties.  We made a lot of mistakes along the way.  Sarah and I were young and new in the Lord.  When we first started, we did not have any real support system around us to help us as we fundraised.  A lot of people did not understand our decision. 

Behind the scenes there was also a pressure building.  We knew this was our opportunity to become missionaries, but that alone did not always seem like enough.  The idea that we needed to immediately figure out our exact long-term calling weighed on us at times.  What was the specific country or type of work we were called to?  We still did not know.    

God took us many places over the years, but we began our missionary journey at the YWAM training school.  The educational process there can be different for people based on their goals.  Some people come and only do the discipleship training school (DTS), which is the initial course that takes about 6 months.  Some then continue to receive additional equipping.

DTS focused on setting up a foundation of who you are, who God is, what the Bible is, etc.  Years ago, in the 1970s, missionaries often left the field due to moral failures.  Issues that stemmed from the person, their identity, and their own walk led to problems.  DTS was created to help shore up the personal foundation of each missionary before they were sent.  It emanated from the realization that it was pointless to teach missionaries a bunch of additional skills if their foundation was not strong enough to handle what they faced in the field.

Everyone who became YWAM staff had to go through a minimum requirement of completing DTS.   Afterward, there was an opportunity for trainees to assess what their next step was.  Was there a calling to go do mission work, or had their path changed and they wanted to do something else?  The completion of DTS served as a jump off point between the training elements that anybody did versus a more involved preparation for the mission field.

After completing DTS, Sarah and I began the leadership and ministry development school.  It was all about leadership, how to do ministry, how to set things up, manage budgets, approach biblical leadership, etc.  It trained us in the more practical things.  After that, we came on staff at YWAM. 

While working for the organization, we were exposed to training that allowed us to continue to grow in our ability to lead.  This occurred before we were ever thrown in the deep end or put in charge of things.  In addition to working at our YWAM location that we were based out of, we conducted a 2–3 month outreach overseas.  That experience forced us to put into practice what we learned.  It allowed us to grow through that training.

Even though we had jumped in and fully committed to YWAM, I still felt like there was a piece of the puzzle that remained unsolved.  Obviously, my job centered around missions and what it looked like to be workers in God’s harvest, yet I did not know how to explain to people what I was doing.  This was especially the case with people on the outside of the church.  It was not as if I was doing nothing.  I was evangelizing and doing things associated with missions, but that was often not received as a sufficient answer.  People asked, “What are you actually called to? What are you going to do in the long run?”  We didn’t have a solid response and that felt difficult in a lot of ways.

A lot of people work from paradigms of a 5-year or 10-year plan.  When some meet the Lord, they know right off the bat what their specific calling is, and that’s awesome.  However, I feel like there are also a lot of people that come to know the Lord and they don’t know what the exact path is.  There is often a process that we are still in as we figure out what that’s going to turn out to be.   We fell into the latter category. 

Sarah and I were newer Christians.  We were asked by pastors, and people supporting us to go on mission, what our five- or ten-year plan was.  I had a difficult time not knowing that piece of the puzzle.  I knew I was supposed to be a missionary, but I did not have my specific calling all figured out.  In fact, sometimes I felt like I was still in the process of just learning how to follow Jesus on a daily basis.  

Thankfully, we were surrounded by wise people that we sought insights from, especially within our YWAM circle.  They helped us put some language to things to help us through this struggle. One guy, who was amazing, was with YWAM years ago and had been a pastor there for over 30 years.  He explained to us that people’s faith journeys could occur in stages.  This was also true of those called to ministry. 

He reminded us that there are those that answer the call early, in their teens or 20s.  At that stage in life, many people felt like they had to be 25 and running their own non-profit or organization.  If that wasn’t the case, then they felt like they had missed the boat.  While that happened for a few people, the fact was that it was not the reality for the vast majority.  As a result, it was good to be okay with what God might be calling us to do, even if it felt experimental. 

Sometimes, through the process of saying “yes” to different things, we learn more about ourselves.  At times, we may even discover what we shouldn’t do by being open to trying something out.  For example, some people come in with the idea that they should work with kids; however, once they actually begin that process, they realize that they hate it.  What is built up in their minds can be vastly different from what the actual day to day looks like for that ministry.  

The pastor continued.  He said, “You’ve got to be okay with saying yes, making mistakes, but allowing that to refine who you are.  The main thing is to build a habit of obedience to the Lord.”  He told us that oftentimes we used our 20s to try different things and learn how to listen and follow God.  Then, in our 30s, we have learned enough about ourselves that we can begin to start homing in on certain things.  However, this was accompanied by the knowledge that there were likely aspects about us that we were still figuring out.  It was not until our 40s or 50s that we probably hit a greater knowing of who we were, what we were best at, and what we were actually called to do.  His insights were a relief.  It was a perspective that embraced things as a process rather than an immediate knowing.

During this time, there was an encouragement to us through the story of Abraham and Sarah that kept coming up over and over again.  It was this idea that it was okay to be like them.  While I am not comparing myself to Abraham whatsoever, what resonated was that he was a guy who was called in Genesis 12 and he then immediately stepped out and went.  However, as we learn more, we realize very quickly that Abraham was not a complete character right off the bat.  He was a pretty messy guy.  He had moments where he did something amazing.  Then, the next moment, he was giving his wife away to a random stranger because he was afraid for himself. 

There was an up and down sequence in Abraham’s life, but over several decades we saw God working things out of him, almost discipling him.  It was through that slow process that Abraham became the father of faith that he was called to be when he first got called.  That idea resonated with me because it felt like what our life had been.  When God called us, we had to be okay with going even though we did not know what the destination looked like.

A lot of times, especially within YWAM, we had a minimum two-year commitment at a particular location.  At the end of the two years there was an opportunity to review what had been done.  It gave people the chance to pray continually over where God was calling them.  Was He asking them to stay at that location and type of mission work or was it time to be sent elsewhere?

Many people renewed their commitment at a certain YWAM site and remained there for at least another 2 to 5 years.  For Sarah and me, whenever we hit the 2-year mark and prayed about where God wanted us, the answer we received from Him was to go to another place.  We had others praying alongside of us and they often confirmed what we had heard from God, both in terms of leaving a YWAM site and the direction of where to go next.

There was probably one time over the years where we were praying with others during that transition stage and went against what they discerned.  We knew we were supposed to move on, but we were getting one location while other people in our circle were getting a completely different one.  We didn’t listen.  To be honest we should have.  It was one of those Abraham mistakes where you realized later that we had made that decision because it was what we wanted, not because it was the best call.  However, that was also part of the valuable lessons we learned over the years.

After we left YWAM in Nashville, we felt called to the location in Jacksonville, FL.  That was our first stint there and we stayed from 2011-2013.  While we were there we went to Beach church and Eleven22, since they were both integrated as one church at the time.  It was our home church that we eventually returned to years later. 

While in Jacksonville, I was in charge of training others to be sent out into the mission fields.  We took teams over to different locations, sometimes for specific projects.  It was also when our first two kids, our twin boys, were born into what was essentially the mission field.  Soon we would be taking them all over the place from city to city and country to country on mission for months at a time. 

To be continued.

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Hi friends!  On today’s episode of Draw Near to Me, we will begin Michael’s faith journey.  For those who prefer to read, today’s content is also posted below.  I met Michael when he was serving as a pastor at church.  Unfortunately, the pandemic soon came around and halted many things in terms of in person interactions.  However, my impression of him was that he was very thoughtful, intelligent, well spoken, and kind.  When he saw a Facebook post about Raul’s faith journey, he commented on how he also had a history with the same mission organization.  I proceeded to ask him if he would be willing to share his story, and he agreed.  I am so grateful that he did because he has wonderful insights and his willingness to go where he is called is incredible! Michael, thank you for being willing to share part of your story.  I know we have only scratched the surface of all that you have done, but it was a privilege to learn some valuable lessons from your experiences with the Lord.  Since this is a man’s testimony, my husband, Jeff, will narrate for us.  If you enjoy this post, please share it with others using the share button below and consider doing a free or paid subscription.  With that, let’s dive into Michael’s story. Enjoy!

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What I wanted to share with everyone may be a little bit different.  I am taking more of a long picture view of my life and how my wife and I have followed God in missions.  Once people start pursuing the Lord, I think many may struggle with a pressure to figure out their purpose in year one.  Often there is a sense that we need to immediately define what we are supposed to do with our life. 

The heartbeat of what I plan to share is seen from the lens of looking over the past 14 years of our lives.  Through that perspective, we have realized how much the Lord has worked over the years.  The reality is that we don’t have to have everything figured out right off the bat.  It is about recognizing that there is a bigger picture, even during the times when we have no clue what’s going on. 

I grew up in Tennessee, outside of Nashville, back before everybody in the country decided to move to that region.  My family had a respect for church and for God, but we weren’t a church going family for the most part.  We had little stints where we went for few months when I was a child, but that was about it. 

It was not until I was in high school that we started going to church more often.  Trying to get a teenager to care about church for the first time in their life is hard, especially if they did not grow up in it.  That was me.  When I was a freshman in high school, I did not have a lot of understanding or a real heart intention for why I was there.  I simply went to church because that was what we did. 

When I was in college I met my wife, Sarah.  After we got married we found a church in our area.  We attended service regularly and, of course, it began to influence our lives.  However, it was not until October 2008 that I had my first real encounter with the Lord. 

At the time, my wife and I had opposite schedules.  Sarah worked in the morning at a coffee shop until a little after lunch.  I worked as a copy editor for a newspaper while I was finishing school.  We had about a 30-minute window where our schedules overlapped, and we saw each other.  After that I went to work until 11PM or midnight depending on the deadline.  That was kind of our life.

One day, I was at home alone reading a book about Christianity.  I don’t particularly remember the title of the book, but it was about the 12 disciples.  It described their lives based on information in the Bible and what was recorded in history as well. 

Up to that point, one of my early struggles was trying to reconcile what I experienced in church versus the combination of what I read in the Bible and my initial views of Christianity.  Sometimes those things created a big disconnect for me.  As I was reading about the disciples that morning, something really jumped out.  The disciples were just messy, ordinary people.  Yet once they got it, they went full force for Jesus at that point.  It made me realize that Christianity wasn’t just about the entire church.  Rather, it was also about every individual and what they were willing to choose when they said “yes” to Jesus.

I really felt the Lord in that moment.  For the first time, it was as if He made it click in my head what it meant to follow Him.  It was different from a religious idea of going to church, or even the things that I kind of made up in my head.  Although I didn’t necessarily have good language to put in my prayer, I told God that I wanted to say “yes” to Him and whatever that meant.  That was the moment I truly surrendered to the Lord, and everything kickstarted from there.

I’m very much a black and white thinker.  Once things clicked and I gave my life to Jesus, I immediately thought about how it had to lead somewhere.  I had to do something with this.  The next seemingly obvious and logical thing to do was to read through the Bible.  My wife and I used one of those Bible in a year plans to accomplish that goal. 

Less than a few months into the process, I came across passages in Matthew that talked about the harvest.  Specifically, in Matthew 9:37-38 it speaks about how the harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few.  The rest of the verse says to pray to the Lord of the harvest that He’ll send out workers into His harvest.

After reading that passage, it made sense to me to pray for God to send people out.  I took the time to be alone with Him and pray.  I essentially started by saying, “Alright God, you know the people that need to be the ones who get sent out and tell people about you.” 

As I prayed I felt the Lord begin to speak to me.  It was not in an audible way, but rather simply in a way I understood.  God clearly asked me, “Instead of praying for other people to do this, would you just be willing to do it?” It was the first time I ever thought that perhaps I was supposed to be sent to do this work.

After talking with my wife, we both agreed that we were being called to missions and decided to go.  In fact, part of her story was that she felt called to be a missionary when she was 18.  However, she had been advised by many people to go to college first.  For her, the seed of being sent had been planted several years before we even met. 

In some ways, the idea of missions was not completely foreign.  We already knew several full-time missionaries.   Youth With a Mission, also known as YWAM, had a Nashville location.  Many of their missionaries attended our church.  That was the main paradigm that we were familiar with in terms of becoming long term missionaries.  Once we recognized God’s calling to mission work, we felt that going through YWAM was the route we were supposed to take. 

Sarah and I met with our pastor and explained to him what we felt God was asking us to do.  In our first conversation with him, he really wanted to make sure we were specifically being called into missions and not some other way of serving.  After that was established, our pastor then began to walk us through the different ways in which mission work could be done. 

Although we were familiar with people that worked for YWAM, our pastor wanted to make sure we knew what it entailed.  When making our decision, he wanted us to take into account the different aspects of various organizations.  At YWAM, we would be 100% support raised.  That meant fundraising not only for ourselves but also for our ministry.  Other mission organizations had different formats.  For example, the International Mission Board, IMB, was set up where it was almost a salary format.  With YWAM we would be praying and asking God where we should go, whereas with other organizations we were more likely to be assigned to specific places. 

Our pastor did a great job of parsing out all those finer details about different mission sending organizations.  He really wanted to make sure that we were not just going with YWAM because we only knew one way to do it.  After going through an exhaustive list, we still felt called specifically to missions through YWAM.  I’ll be honest though, it made zero sense for us.  At the time we did not have a lot of family and friends with a church background that would send us out and financially support us.  Although we didn’t have any of that, we felt very strongly that God was specifically calling us through that avenue. 

After we had our conversation with our pastor, we met with some of the YWAM leaders at the Nashville location.  It was a married couple that worked for the organization.  They wanted us to come in and make sure that this was what God was calling us to do. 

A lot of times when people are interested in working for an organization, there can almost be a recruitment mentality by the people that are hiring.  This is true in many places whether it is inside or outside of ministry.   Oftentimes, if someone is interested in mission work and feels called, people want to bring them in and convince them that this is the place to work.  Surprisingly, when we met with the couple from YWAM, we got the opposite.

The leaders were obviously very welcoming when we met them.  They explained what it looked like to train with and become a missionary for YWAM.  When we left the meeting, the wife of the couple wrote something out and gave it to us.  She felt we needed to read it to help us make our decision. 

Sarah and I went home and read the letter.  It essentially said, “If God is calling you to this, then even in the hard circumstances you can trust His goodness in His calling.   However, if this is a great idea that you are latching on to for whatever reason, but it’s not actually what God is calling you to do, then this life will chew you up and spit you out.  If you are not called it will be very difficult.” 

That letter was the “recruitment pitch” we received.  In the end, the leader advised us to really take the time to discern what God was saying.  We needed to not rely on our circumstances, any sense of adventure that came with being a missionary, or whatever else that may be attached to it.  Becoming long term missionaries should not be something we did because we thought it was a good idea, it needed to truly be a calling from God. 

To be continued.

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Hi friends!  On today’s episode of Draw Near to Me, we will begin the final part of Joy’s faith journey.  For those who prefer to read, today’s content is also posted below.  As a recap, at the end of part 5, Joy and David moved their family out to Kenya so they could become long term missionaries.  While there, they served in unexpected ways and took on more meaningful roles than they initially anticipated.  However, being in Africa took a serious physical toll on their family and they had to return to the U.S. to receive better medical care.  Even though they had to leave, Joy and David remained concerned over what was going to happen at the children’s home.  Who would take care of the orphans?  When I pieced together the timing of when part 5 happened and when I met Joy, my jaw dropped.  I met her shortly after all of that happened.  Despite that, there was no trace of fear or even a hint that her family had just gone through what was essentially chaos.  All that was present in her was love, joy, and peace as she helped guide the short-term mission teams.  It was humbling to realize the depth of her trust in the Lord and her eagerness to serve that was not deterred by circumstances.  Joy was simply filled with smiles, laughter, love, and encouragement.  She is a light for God that cannot be hidden.  If you enjoy this post, please share it with others using the share button below.  With that, let’s dive into the last part of Joy’s story. Enjoy!

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The children’s home in Awasi was being run by some local mamas that came in and shared duties.  While this was wonderful, many times they had their own children with them to care for.  The orphans really needed someone that could come in and place their full focus and attention on them.  As I prayed to the Lord about the children’s home, one woman’s face kept coming to my mind.  The strange thing was that I had only met her once in my life.   

Several years before, our medical mission team stayed at a hostel in Sotek, Kenya.  The woman that kept coming to my mind during prayer was the person who oversaw things there.  While we were at the hostel, another group lodging there had an issue with their accommodations.  I remember sitting there and watching her take care of the problem.  There was something so beautiful and angelic about the way she handled people. 

During our stay, I also had a small interaction with her.  Sotek was cold on the nights our team was there.  When I went to bed the first evening, I realized I did not have a blanket.  The woman managing the hostel had previously told us where her room was located.  She encouraged us to stop by if we had any issues.  So, that night I went and knocked on her door to ask if she had an extra blanket.  Without hesitation, she kindly provided me with one.   She was so full of grace and love that it left me wishing that I had an opportunity to get to know her better

When our medical mission team left the hostel, I had this feeling that it was not the last time I would see her.  Anytime the Lord truly spoke, it seemed there was a knowing.  Although I barely knew her, the impression that we would meet again remained.

Now it was almost 4 years later.  Up to that point, I had no additional interaction with her since that time at the hostel.  It seemed crazy that every time I prayed about the children’s home, her face popped up for some unknown reason.  I said, “Lord, I don’t even know her.  We would have to find her.  Are you sure?”  Time and again He brought her to my mind. 

Since the Lord kept showing me this woman’s face, I began praying for the right opportunity to share my thoughts with Phil.  In November of 2016, which was just a month or two after our family left Africa to get medical care, I returned to Kenya to lead a medical trip.  David’s health was stable at that point, so I felt it was possible to go back.  It was a chance to help with the medical camps and to check on the orphans in Awasi.  After we completed our medical mission in other regions of Kenya, Phil and I headed out to the mission house next to the children’s home. 

That morning, as we were sitting at the mission, Phil looked at me and said, “What are we gonna do?”  I asked him what he was referring to.  He clarified and said, “What are we gonna do about these kids? This mission house?  This children’s home?”  There it was.  The Lord had opened up the opportunity I had been praying for. 

I told Phil that there was someone that I thought might be an amazing asset to the children’s home.  It was the woman from the hostel we stayed at a long time ago.  Phil replied, “Jemima from Sotek? I remember her.  She was wonderful.”  I proceeded to tell him how every time I prayed about the children’s home, her face was right in front of me.  I wondered, though, how we were going to track her down.  It had been years since we had seen her.

Martin, who worked for Phil as a driver, happened to be sitting in the living room having tea at the same time as us.  He had taken us to so many different locations during our time in Kenya over the years.  Phil asked Martin if he knew Jemima or how we could get in touch with her.  As it turned out, he had her number in his phone. 

I was so thankful to the Lord as the pieces fell together.  It was so much confirmation in that moment.  Phil asked Martin if he would call Jemima up and see if she would meet us in Nairobi before we flew out that week.  He wanted to speak to her about the possibility of running the children’s home.  What I heard next was even more beautiful.

In the past, when I prayed for the Lord to bring someone to run the children’s home, I also lifted up a specific request.  I asked Him to send someone that connected with children that had disabilities.  Oftentimes in Africa, children with disabilities were not treated fairly.   People did not know how to care for them.  Some people believed they were possessed.  Many times people tried to get rid of these kids.  Disabled children were sometimes even thrown over walls in an effort to discard them.  The hope was that the child would pass away because of the fall.  At the children’s home we had a couple of kids with disabilities, so I asked the Lord for the right person to care for them as well.

When Martin called Jemima to request a meeting with her, he discovered that she was no longer at the hostel in Sotek.  She had moved to Nairobi, the exact city where we were hoping to meet her.  What was even more beautiful was that she was currently overseeing a Catholic children’s home for disabled kids.  It was so fun to watch the Lord uncover every piece that had been prayed for.

That Friday we met with Jemima.  When she saw me she said, “Room 7.  You asked me for the blanket.”  I was astounded.  To this day we laugh about the fact that she recalled that one interaction from years ago.  It was so obvious the Lord knew that He was intertwining our stories from the get-go. 

I told Jemima everything about the children’s home.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  I did not want to leave things out.  I wanted her to be forewarned about all that it entailed.  After hearing everything she agreed to come and see the children’s home in Awasi.  After that visit, she decided to take the job.    

From there, the Lord used Jemima in incredible ways.  She began integrating children from different tribes together.  Normally, there was a lot of division between tribes, but she taught them to appreciate each other’s culture.  They learned that love comes from God and God is love. 

Once Jemima was at the children’s home, the way the community viewed the place began to shift.  Initially, the chief and the police in the village thought little of it due to the pastor that ran it before.  When Jemima took over, things changed.  The people had a lot of respect for her.  In fact, she was the first one the chief and police contacted for any case that needed tender care.  It was beautiful how much they trusted her because of the work that she was doing.   

Over the eight years Jemima oversaw the children’s home, she did intense counseling, with a true counselor, for the children.  She also did family tracing.  Some of those children never knew they had a mom or a dad.  She began to slowly reintegrate some of those older children with a family member. 

As time passed, the man that originally had the vision for the children’s home began pulling back from the organization.  It was not that he was not invested, but rather there were things going on at home that prevented him from getting to Kenya.  As a result, a period of transition began to occur.  This was also compounded by a law that was passed that stated that a child may not be held in an institution without a court order.  As we began praying and talking, it became apparent that we needed to make it a goal to reunify all the children in the home with relatives.  Afterall, children thrive in families not in institutions. 

Within the past year or so, Jemima did something amazing.  She traced each child back to a living relative, counseled the family, and reunified them.  Every single child that was in the children’s home is now living with a relative.  Jemima made it a point to conduct a visitation to each place to ensure things were going well.  Turns out, every child was doing amazing.  The Lord’s timing for it all was always perfect.

What was formerly the children’s home is now a pastoral training center and agricultural business center with Phil’s organization.  Jemima felt the Lord calling her to pursue more education.  She has a heart to change policies on a government level and was accepted into a school in Germany. 

Even though our family never returned as long-term missionaries, I felt like I would be going to Kenya for the rest of my life.  I knew I could never say “no” to going unless the Lord gave me peace when, and if, that day ever came.  About a year and a half ago, I was in Kenya with my two youngest girls.  I knew the direction that the children’s home was going since Jemima was working on family reunification.  As we walked out the door at the end of the trip, I knew it would probably be the last time I was at that home.  It was beautiful because we witnessed these kids coming back to a place of spiritual wholeness.  Each was gaining a family stability that they never had before.  It was amazing.

As for me, over the past eleven years, I have gone to Kenya at least once or twice each year for medical missions or to do hut to hut care.  For the first time, I finally feel a peace about not going to Africa every year.  The Lord is calling me to do things more locally and to be present here in my community.  While we will still be using Iddy and Oscar’s to help kids in Kenya receive an education, the Lord has also opened a desire for us to help children in other countries, such as Cambodia, as well. 

Throughout my life, I have seen God moving everywhere in my story.  I’m solely His vessel.  What I finally realized is that He moves regardless of where we are on His planet.  For the first time in my life, I feel at peace with where I am on the globe.  He has filled my cup with that knowledge.  The Lord’s love is needed just as much in our local village as it is in a far-off land.  He calls us to be His hands and feet wherever we are.

Joy, thank you again for sharing part of your life and what God has been doing in and through you with all of us.  It has been an honor.  To everyone else, if you enjoyed this post, please consider sharing it with others by hitting the share button.  If you are not already a subscriber, consider doing a free or paid subscription so you don’t miss any content and to support my work. Thank you!

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