Freedom From Anxiety: Autumn's Faith Journey- Part 4
Hi friends! Today is part 4 of Autumn’s faith journey. Honestly, I just love everything that she shared. It is so real. The questions, the laughter, the excitement, and the struggles are wonderful to read because in one way or another I believe many of us have been there. Enjoy!
I got hit with the Holy Ghost without even knowing what the Holy Ghost was. I don’t remember what happened next but Malena, my mom’s best friend, told me I stood up, shouted, “Move!” to everyone in the row, and charged down the aisle. It wasn’t until I got to the front of the church that I suddenly realized where I was standing. I started panicking. I thought, “What did I do? I’m about to be on camera. I can’t turn around now. Am I about to have a panic attack while we are doing baptisms? Oh Lord, here we go.”
For my baptism, I was literally in the middle of a panic attack going into the water, but when I came up out of the water, I was perfectly fine. The room appeared gray. It felt like there was no one around me. I was in awe and excited that I had given my life to Christ. I did it! I knew the Lord’s hand was in it because I would never have gone up there in my own strength. I wasn’t expecting to surrender and get baptized all in one day, but it was amazing.
After that day, I was under spiritual attack. The enemy used my anxiety as a weak point to allow small things to trigger me. I wondered why I was going back to anxiety and struggling with my thoughts. I was baptized so I thought I should have been made new. It was a real struggle. I knew in my heart and in my mind that I wasn’t fully free from anxiety. I would still have panic attacks. I thought if you were baptized everything was going to be perfect and fine. I had hoped that there was going to be no more heartache, no more struggles, and that I could forget my past. I thought the Lord would take it all away and everything was going to be good. That’s what I understood, but that’s not what happened.
The reality was that I didn’t know how to read the Bible, I wrestled with the gospel, and I questioned what I was supposed to be doing with my life. Malena stopped going with me to church and I did not know anyone. I was still trying to go, but my social anxiety told me that I would never be able to talk to new people. Although Malena started doing Bible studies with me, I used it more as just another reason to go to her house. I still didn’t really know my Bible and was struggling in my daily living.
During that time, something unexpected happened. I began connecting with someone through social media. It started the day I was baptized. I was on Facebook while Malena was driving us back after church. I had previously added a girl that I knew from high school as a friend. Even though I didn’t talk to her, it was my way of interacting with others in a way that did not induce my social anxiety. That day when I clicked on her page, I saw a picture of the Jason Momoa guy from church in her friends section. I thought, “No way, she knows him!” It was perfect. I could just add him on Facebook. I would not have to talk to him in person.
His name was Kat, which was weird since it was a little feminine, but I added him anyway. As I began scrolling through his page I realized, “Oh my gosh, this is his mom’s account. I added his mom on Facebook. What did I do? I can never go back to church.” It was horrible. I had thought he put a picture of him and his little sister as his profile. I was wrong. It was his mom’s picture of them both.
Regardless, for whatever reason when I saw Logan’s actual account, I decided it would be less awkward if I added him too. Maybe that would make sense? No, it didn’t. I found out later from Logan that he and his mom asked each other who knew this girl that added them both on Facebook that day. They were both puzzled.
Since I didn’t have enough self-confidence to talk to Logan, I just started liking his pictures. I would like two things and then he would come back and like my posts. I was like, “Oh, here we go! It’s going down now!” It was like that for a few days. I would talk myself into liking five of his things, and then the next day I would check and he had liked five of my things. It became a whole routine. Eventually he added me on Instagram, and we were doing that for a month or two. Then suddenly, he fell off the face of the planet earth.
Logan had stopped liking my stuff every day. He was not even posting anything himself. Nothing at all. I wondered if I had done something to mess it up. Maybe I over liked his posts? What was wrong with me? Thankfully, his mom posted something on Facebook saying that he was on mission in Uganda. So, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise that I had accidentally added her to my Facebook earlier on.
When Logan got back from Uganda, he wrote a post about his experience. I admired him. Even though I wanted to go on mission, I had too much anxiety. I reasoned if I could not even talk to people in America, how was I supposed to talk to people in another country? I decided Logan was a good church kid, so I ended up adding him on Snapchat, which I found via his Instagram. The Lord just kept providing all his social media accounts!
We started viewing each other’s Snapchat stories. When I realized he was paying attention to my stories, I literally sent him a message and said, “Alright, are we going to break this ice because we’ve been doing all these things, but we’ve never actually had a conversation.” He replied, “LOL, what’s up?” I felt like maybe it was going to be fate.
Shortly thereafter, I was at Malena’s house on a Saturday night. I told her all about Logan, the Jason Momoa guy from church, and how we were talking. She said, “Oh my gosh. Anne Marie, no you didn’t.” I thought she was going to give me the whole riot act, but it never came. A little while later, Logan sent me a Snapchat picture of him at the beach. He asked me if I wanted to come hang out. In my mind I thought, “What? No. It's 10:00 o'clock at night and I've never even met you. I've only been liking you on Facebook. What are you talking about? Are you trying to kill me or something?” I asked Malena, my good Christian woman mentor, what she thought. I assumed she would say no, and what did she say? She told me to go to the beach. What?! Regardless, I trusted her advice and got in my car. After all, I was a Christian girl now, he was a Christian guy, it was going to be good.
I met Logan on the beach, but I had so much anxiety. When I have that much anxiety I either sweat a lot, have a panic attack, or I laugh…but it’s an ugly laugh. Even though later we would joke about how annoying my anxiety laugh was, the night went well. He even kissed me. We talked every day after that night.
After that, the first official plan we made together was to get coffee and then go to church. Even though I liked him, I wondered if I was ready for a relationship. I knew I was not fully healed from my past and my anxiety. I did not know what to think about these things.
When Logan grabbed my hand as we walked from the coffee shop to church, I started pouring down sweat. He knew so many people in the church and I could feel a panic attack coming on. He asked me why I was sweating so much, but I didn’t want to tell him I was having a panic attack and that I had social anxiety. Logan started introducing me to his friends and I was sweating the whole time.
My insecurities from my past flared up. I had no confidence in my appearance and had left Adam with no self-worth. I had given every piece of me to him, and I was never good enough, so how worthy was I? Even though Logan was different, when he introduced me to all these cute girls he knew, my mind raced. Although it wasn’t true, I believed they were judging me and wondering why he was talking to me. I assumed they thought I was not good enough.
From there my thoughts spiraled out. I told myself that I was disgusting. I became concerned that he could see me sweating. I wondered if I smelled bad. The thoughts kept going. I could not stop my panic attack and continued sweating throughout worship and the whole sermon. I was wiping my face and I was worried he was looking at me. It was so embarrassing. My mind was so bad. It got worse and worse throughout the entire service.
At the end of church I said, “Alright, have a good day. I gotta go.” I quickly walked away wondering what had just happened. I didn’t know how to feel because I didn’t know how to connect with my emotions.
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