Hi friends! Today is the final day of what will be shared about Autumn’s faith journey. I hope that you have been able to experience it in such a rich and immersive way. I am so thankful to Autumn for sharing such a beautiful glimpse of how her anxiety grew over time, how the Lord was working through it at different stages, and how He would break the chains in the end. I can only imagine how much she is going to continue to do in her life whether that is now or when she and Logan become long-term missionaries. Either way her light is bright and her beauty undeniable. Enjoy!
Although I was anxious about going to Africa, the Lord was always bringing scripture to me. They were about anxiety and peace, His strength that He puts in me, and that the Holy Spirit speaks through me when my words won’t come. It reassured me that if I gave the opportunity for the Spirit to speak, He will. It was about trusting and walking in faith.
Logan and I had been married for about four months when we headed to Africa. I already had insecurities about our relationship and marriage because I still didn’t know my worth. The Lord was still working on that. When we got to Africa, I told Logan that I needed him to stay by me. I told him that I knew it was annoying, but I needed that comfort.
I was too anxious to sleep in the women’s area, so we got a couple’s quarter. This ended up causing us to isolate ourselves rather than being part of the community. I missed so many moments of bonding because I had too much anxiety about sleeping in the women’s area. I didn’t develop a deeper connection with others.
I wanted my husband to be around me at all times. One of my biggest insecurities about going to Africa was being around all these people. I did not think I was going to be able to be like them and say what they did. I began having bad nightmares. My weaknesses were surfacing. I was under serious spiritual attack.
Even though I didn’t intend to go to Africa with expectations, I still did. I kept telling myself, “I’m taking a step of faith. I know the Lord will show up.” However, I was attacked by the enemy every single day for the whole two weeks I was there. For a long time, I wasn’t able to make friends with the women that were in my group. They still loved me and were so nice, gentle, and caring. They would say things like, “Hey, are you okay? You’re so beautiful.” All I could think in my mind was, “Oh, they’re tricking me. They’re doing stuff behind my back.” This caused me to lose a part of the community and relationships that I truly wanted. It was the craziest thing I’ve ever experienced of spiritual warfare.
But the Lord was not done.
Our trip was almost over and only a few days remained. I finally talked with Sanderson, the leader that we stayed with, about what was happening with me. He spoke about how we humans want a label on everything because that gives us comfort. That we can call ourselves anxious and depressed, all these things, but it is actually a spirit. When you choose to walk in those things it’s the spirit that you’re walking in. You’re not walking in the Holy Spirit, you’re walking in the spirit of anxiety, you’re walking in the spirit of depression, and so on. I thought, “Wow. I need to start breaking this off me.”
It was the last day in Africa, and I wondered why the Lord brought me there. Yes, in the end I made beautiful relationships. Yes, I was able to do ministry. Yes, I was able to speak about Him and do all those things, but the expectation of my flesh was not given to me. I told God, “I came here out of faith. I thought you were going to free me from this anxiety so I could go home and not have to deal with this anymore. I want to do missions. I want to be able to do this for you.”
As we all huddled together on the last night, it was asked, “How are you guys feeling?” I didn’t talk. The thoughts were running through my head. “I wasted my whole trip here. What did I do? I got nothing from this.” I literally struggled with anxiety every day that I was there. I had so much sorrow in my heart and so much hurt.
Then I felt the weight of the Holy Spirit on me and while everyone was talking, I started weeping. I never wept for Jesus before. I wept about where my flesh was. How selfish was I? How did I not see the beauty in every single thing that I had done here? The fact that I was able to speak to strangers. The fact that I was able to have conversations with these women that I had such bad thoughts of. I repented to the women in that moment. I continued and told them, “I’m so sorry that I did not let you guys in because I was struggling with my own thing. I’m sorry I didn’t ask for anyone’s help.”
Then the Lord touched me in that moment in the best way possible. The women all surrounded me, put their hands on me, and started praying. They began reconfirming my identity. “You’re beautiful. You’re a daughter. You’re loved. We love you. We appreciate your friendship. All the things that you were believing while you were here were lies.” I began crying.
Suddenly, instead of anxiety, a sphere of joy fell over our entire group. It was as if my cup that was completely empty was now being filled and a new wine was poured into me. A tunnel of light seemed to be surrounding us and we all started laughing together. Then at the same second, we all started singing the same song about the joy of the Lord. We stood up and began to dance. The Lord had touched us. The whole two weeks I was there I had anxiety. I couldn’t even dance in front of anyone else because I was more embarrassed about what I looked like. That night I danced for almost two to three hours straight.
That was the moment the Lord broke off the chain of anxiety and filled me with the Spirit of joy. It was the revelation that when you rebuke something you’re supposed to replace it with the truth. The Lord knew that I needed more than words on a page. I needed a physical tangible feeling, emotion, activity, or a group of people. That encounter was where we all felt the same amount of joy, we all felt the atmosphere change, and we all knew the presence of the Lord was there. It was exactly what I needed.
Since I got back from Africa, I’ve never had a panic attack. Sure, there is stress and not every day is perfect, but I have the power of the Holy Spirit to break off those things and replace them with truth. All that time when I thought the Lord never was there with me, He was preparing my heart. It was a seed that He wanted to flower. There was nothing more freeing than when I felt the Lord truly release me from anxiety.
You think the Lord is not touching you and yet all those small moments that you do not recognize are the things that lead to the biggest victory. That’s literally what I call it, victory. It’s amazing. I was dead, afraid, scared, and lived by my past. Now He is rewriting my name.
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