Freedom From Anxiety: Autumn's Faith Journey- Part 2

Hi friends! Today we begin part 2 of Autumn’s story. She shares more about her relationship with Adam in such a transparent way. I love that she was willing to share it with us because we get a richer glimpse of the way her anxiety was established. People will often give a blanket statement that they have anxiety, but to share some of what it is rooted in is really amazing. Today is such a powerful reminder of the impact that we can have on the lives of others, whether good or bad. We continue with her story… Enjoy!

Although I no longer felt comfortable enough to go back home, living at Adam’s house with Brooke and his parents made me anxious.  The tension in his parents’ marriage was felt throughout the entire house.  The doctors told Adam to stop doing drugs because it was counteracting his medicine.  Adam’s parents knew that the weed was making him go crazy.  His mom would try to get him to stop; however, his dad never stopped smoking weed himself.  His mom would even catch his dad smoking with Adam.   It would always be a fight.  Everyone was on edge.  At some point it became normal for me to live in the brokenness of that home. 

For a while, Adam was fine on his medicine.  But then his mental health deteriorated.  His mom started counting his pills and saw that he hadn’t taken some.  She would say, “Hey, you skipped this day.”  He would argue, “No. I took that.”  Later she caught him going to the bathroom and flushing his meds.  As a result, he had to sit in front of her when he took his medicine.  He started getting better again, but then his medications wore off.  He was put on different medicine every few months, but he was never stable.

Soon Adam began accusing me of things that I wasn’t doing.   He thought I was cheating on him with his dad.  Eventually I had to start going to work with him to prove that I was not doing anything wrong.  When Adam worked at Domino’s, I had to sit in the back of his car, in the heat, no AC, for eight hours to show my love for him.  I did that for months and it was not enough.  He started asking me if I was having his co-workers come outside to do stuff with me behind his back. 

My anxiety grew because of the way Adam acted.  All I wanted to do was love someone, but every single thing I did was never enough to show him that I loved him.  His mind couldn’t receive love.  I became a fixer.  Because I didn’t feel loved, I focused on making sure Adam knew he was loved.  I would have panic attacks if what I was doing wasn’t enough.  I was always trying to earn my love with the things that I did. 

During that time, Adam’s mom, who was Christian, started taking me to her Bible group held at the church.  The group was large and there were thirty to fifty people that attended.  I didn’t want to be there, but I felt like it was an escape for me to get away from Adam.  I was trying to find a safe place.   I went for a few weeks, but I wouldn’t talk because I didn’t know anything about the Bible or the gospel. 

One day, someone ended up saying,” Well Autumn, are you actually going to say something this week?”  I felt so judged.  I don’t even know why.  As soon as she said that I started sweating and having a panic attack.  My mind began to race.  “Oh my gosh, they think I’m stupid.  I don’t know them.  I don’t feel comfortable being here because now they're going to expect me to talk.  How am I supposed to talk to these people when I don’t even talk to anyone else?  I don’t really know anything.” 

I wanted to respond but my mouth wouldn’t open because I was so scared that I would say something wrong.  That was my first experience in church in about five or six years.   I was trying to find safety at that group, but I was so hurt by that remark that I did not want to go back. 

Meanwhile, Adam was either erratic without his medications or depressed because his medicine made him feel no emotions.  It was either crazy or monotone.  I felt no love, so I gave my body to be loved.  I degraded myself because I thought I couldn’t get anything better if I left the situation.  I decided I was already two years in, so I might as well keep going.  His family played into it as well.  They told me, “He’s going to get better.  You guys are going to be okay.  Keep holding on.  Don’t allow this to scare you away.” 

As time passed, things got worse because Adam and I were still doing drugs.  We didn’t realize the seriousness of his actual mental health.  We kept doing what we were not supposed to be doing.  He continued to deteriorate, and I didn’t understand. 

Eventually the drugs made Adam go from being bipolar to becoming schizophrenic.  I didn’t know how to deal with it or his parents.  I was always worried about being with him, making him happy, and making sure he felt secure.  It kept getting worse every day we dated.  It was scary.  I didn’t know when Adam was going to either have an episode or not be stable enough for me to be around him.  I never knew when he would need to go to the psych ward again.  Those thoughts were always in my mind.  I started believing I had to act this way, be this way, do those things, or something bad was going to happen and it was going to be my fault.  

I had already learned to bury my emotions and did not have anyone to talk to.  I had lost my family for two or three years and could not turn to them.   I would get so overwhelmed in my mind that I started having more panic attacks.  Since I didn’t know what to do, I turned to drugs to calm myself, which obviously wasn’t the answer.  Adam stopped working and I had to work two jobs to make sure everything was taken care of, including our food and drugs.  I thought Adam loved me, so I allowed this way of life to become normal for me.  By then our relationship had been going on for four years and I felt stuck with no way to escape.

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