Hi friends! Today we are on part 6 of Autumn’s faith journey. We begin to see how God is moving even more in her life. It is awesome to read about how she made that first step of obedience to move toward her calling of missions despite the doubt and excuses. Enjoy!
Logan and I continued to seek the Lord together. We went to another disciple group where neither of us knew the other young adults. It felt like a fresh start. That’s where I met Colleen.
I knew my anxiety was bad and I needed friends. One day, I literally wrote in the group chat, “If there’s any girls that want to be my friend, can you personally IM me or invite me to go out to do something?” I regretted that as soon as I sent it, but Logan was clapping and telling me how proud he was of me. After that message, Colleen was the first one that responded. She knew everyone so they all started talking to me. I still didn’t really know how to respond, but I had made a first step.
Because I was still dealing with anxiety, I felt like the Lord was not changing anything for me. However, when I look back now, what I missed was that the frequency of my panic attacks was changing. It went from being almost daily, to weekly, to bimonthly, to monthly. God was healing me, but I missed it because I was so focused on the times I did not see the change. I went from not being able to talk to anyone without having a panic attack, to being able to say “hi” or “bye” to people, to having a conversation with someone. Even though I would still think things like, “Why did you say that? That was stupid. What do they think about what I just said?” I had made progress. I was talking to people. It makes me mad that I didn’t see how God was creating change at that time.
Eventually Logan and I decided that the way in which we sought the Lord was no longer healthy because I was finding comfort in a man rather than God. We realized that we both needed to begin pursuing the Lord as individuals. As a couple we were falling into more of a routine rather than seeking Him first. We both decided to start going to separate disciple groups.
Logan joined a men’s group where he met someone named Spencer. I joined a women’s group with my friend Colleen. I remember on the first day when it was my turn to introduce myself, I said, “Hi my name’s Autumn. I have social anxiety and I probably won’t talk, but I’m here.” I had never done that before. They all welcomed me and told me they were glad I was there. It was a relief to know they were so nice. Later I would become comfortable in that group.
It had been over a year after I surrendered to Christ, and I was still on fire for the Lord. I knew that I wanted to go out on mission, but I had doubts about my capacity to do it. I always made an excuse. I didn’t know Jesus enough. I had too much anxiety. I didn't have the money. I had too much work. I knew I wanted to do it but didn’t know how it could happen.
Logan and I had always talked about how we wanted to be missionaries. I remember one night we were talking and at the same exact time said to each other, “If you’re not okay with being a long-term missionary in the future, we’re not going to work out.” We realized in that moment that we both had a passion for it.
The problem for me was that my identity was social anxiety. Even though I believed Logan could be a long-term missionary, in my head I would tell myself that I would never be able to do it. My major prayer became, “Lord if you’re going to use me, you need to break this anxiety.” It was a constant prayer. When I could not see Him working, I would ask, “Lord why aren’t you breaking this? I know you have the power to break it.” At the time, I was blind to what God was doing through me.
During the summer, Logan’s friend, Spencer, had gone on mission to Africa for three months. As soon as he got back from Africa, we got together at a Mexican restaurant. Spencer then told us the Lord put it on his heart to tell us that we were supposed to go to Africa. I was confused. I didn’t realize that the Lord could verbally speak to you through things. I said, “Nah bro. What do you mean? He didn’t tell you that. You are just trying to recruit people for the mission organization.”
I started coming up with all the familiar excuses. Then Logan pointed out that we had been wanting to go. He talked about how Spencer had been changed by the experience of being there, learning more about the Holy Spirit, and spiritual gifts. Logan then asked, “Why don’t we go?” I replied, “I’m not able to go to Africa. Are you crazy? Have you not met me? I’m just now talking to Spencer. Do you think I can go to a different country and talk to strangers? No. For real, I can’t do it.”
Spencer started laughing and told me that I could do it, but I was not convinced. I was not doing it. He asked me the reasons why and my excuses poured out. “I can’t talk to anyone. I don’t know enough of the Bible to be able to speak on what the Lord can do for other people. I don’t even know what He’s truly done for me.” Then I started with my excuse about money.
At that point Spencer literally put his hand up and said, “I rebuke you Satan”. My mouth shut. I had nothing else to say. He asked me if I had any more excuses. Initially I did not, but then the next excuse came up. I told him that there was no way that my boss would allow me to be gone from work for two weeks. She would never say yes. Spencer looked at me and challenged me to go ask her tomorrow. I had no intentions of doing that.
At work that next day I was praying. I asked, “Lord, if you want this to happen, make an opportunity for this conversation.” As I was talking to my boss that day she told me that she was going on a vacation for an entire week. I thought, “Dang, you can go on a week vacation?” and then the Lord was like, “Here we go!” I thought to myself that it would be fine to ask because I assumed she would say no.
I began with, “Hey, I know this is crazy...” and then told her about the mission trip. At the end I told her it was okay if she said no. Little did I know that the reason she had hired me was because I was honest and told her that it was not my final job. When I interviewed, I indicated that I wanted to be a long-term missionary and viewed my current job as temporary until I got there. At the time she had said, “Okay, I like that.” It turns out she had been a missionary’s kid for years and traveled all over the world with her parents.
After I asked her if I could have time off, she said yes. I texted Spencer the words, “You got me.” He asked me what had happened. I replied, “We’re going to Africa. Let’s go!” As soon as I said yes to going to Africa, the enemy attacked completely. I was having anxiety attacks. I thought, “Oh no. What did I do? Oh Lord, how am I going to prepare myself?”
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Wow…so good!