Freedom From Anxiety: Autumn's Faith Journey- Part 3
Hi friends! Today is part 3 of Autumn’s faith journey. One of the many things that struck me is the reminder of how the investment of time, love, and opening our doors to another can be so impactful. Also, toward the end of what is shared today, there is something that made me laugh! It is so much like Autumn to infuse laughter and joy wherever she goes, even in how she shares her faith journey. Enjoy!
Each thing I did to be loved was never enough, so I would put more into it. I would give Adam a chunk of me, but then he would get tired of that chunk. I had to give more, and more, and more. I finally realized that nothing was going to satisfy him, and he wasn’t changing. I knew at that point that I wasn’t loved.
Adam ended up in the mental ward again. It was the worst episode ever. He wanted to wear a dress, thought he was a girl, and didn’t know some of his family members. He was going downhill. I thought, “I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to stop doing all drugs.” I told Adam that I could no longer do drugs and I needed him to stop doing drugs as well, otherwise I could no longer be with him. When Adam first got out of the mental ward his answer was, “Yeah. I’m finally stable. I’m not going to do drugs.” But then he began to refuse to take his medicine and ultimately decided that drugs were okay again.
One night Adam didn’t come home from work. I called him and asked him where he was. He lied and said he was still at work. I checked the location on his phone, and he was at his drug dealer’s house. I told him that if he did not come home right away that I was gone. I realized I could not live like that anymore. He never came home that night. The next day I left. Even as I was going, his family was saying, “No. It’s okay. Don’t leave.” In my mind I did not know how they could mean or say that. I had literally given four years of my life to him. I gave 150% of myself to someone that still chose drugs at the end of the day. I realized I had spent years with him hoping to feel loved. In the end, I never did.
That night I was on my mom’s front porch asking her, “Please take me back. I don’t know what I did. I’m so sorry I ruined my life with drugs.” It was bad. I was nineteen, a high school dropout, had wasted four years of my life with Adam, and lost my best friend since she was mad that I left her brother. I had nothing. I had no money. I almost lost my job. It was crazy.
Through all of that I lost my identity. I didn’t know who I was supposed to be, what I was, or what love was. Every man in my life from the moment that I was four years old until then broke me. No one accepted me. I was never good enough for anyone. I wasn’t good enough my real dad. I wasn’t good enough for my stepdad. I gave myself to Adam for years and drugs still came before me. I didn’t know what to do, so I spiraled into a deep depression.
My mom and stepdad gave me a bunch of rules and a curfew. I was to be home for dinner every night and told to get a better job. I was drug free, and I poured myself into work. I began finding security in money since I had given all my money to Adam for years and had nothing to my name. I worked two or three jobs, six to seven days a week, and saved everything I could. I was still depressed at my parents’ house and would avoid being there as much as possible. As agreed, I would be there for dinner, but I would either be gone all before that or all after that.
To get away I started going to Malena’s house. She was my mom’s best friend. It was a completely different vibe there. She always had Christian music on and crosses on her wall. They were happy in their marriage, happy at home, and would outwardly express their love for their children. I found that I started clinging to them. Any time I didn’t work, I would be at Malena’s.
It was a year after I left Adam and I was still striving for work. I was all about money, money, money, but I still didn’t feel I had purpose in my life. I had no GED or high school diploma. I still had nothing. Late one night Malena mentioned she hadn’t been to church in a while. I honestly don’t remember why I even wanted to go, especially based on my last experience with Adam’s mom, but I suggested we go to church. The next day we went.
Initially, it was a weird vibe. I had never heard contemporary music in church before. Even though it was different I kind of liked it. I decided what would it hurt to try church? I figured at least it was something I could pour myself into. I already did it with work, I could do it with something else. From that point, I started going every weekend
One Sunday Malena and I were at church, and I saw this guy walk through the front doors. Malena describes it as; he walked in, his hair flew back, and my eyes gawked that way. I then exclaimed, “Whoa! Is that Jason Momoa?” I don’t remember this at all, but obviously she does. I remember watching him as he walked in the sanctuary. He had his keys in his back pocket on a lanyard and I thought he looked cool.
Immediately, I began to think to myself that I was not allowed to have those emotions. It was not the right time since I was still feeling broken and alone. I also did not know how I would even be able to talk to him since I had social anxiety. Regardless, I was wowed by him and supposedly I told Malena, “I’m going to talk to that guy” and she said, “Autumn Marie get your eyes back on the church. Jesus first.”
A while later our church was doing a revival event. During one of the days there was an opportunity to be baptized. I was sitting next to Malena, who’s a believer. The church often asked who is your one more, meaning who is that person that you are praying for and believing will surrender their life to Christ? I was Malena’s one more.
As they asked for people to come down to be baptized and proclaim that Jesus was their Lord and Savior, my anxiety was holding me back. My mind was racing, and I thought, “I’m not going to get baptized today. I’ve only been in church for a month or two. I’m not ready for that. Besides, there are hot guys here (I was thinking about that guy I saw walk through the front doors). I’m wearing leggings and a t-shirt, have my makeup on, big hoops in, and my hair is all scrunched with mousse. I’m going to come out looking like a sloppy mop!”
Then I heard Pastor Joby saying, “If you don’t want your hair to get wet, that’s okay you can go home after and get it done.” I thought, “Okay he named one thing in my mind that I was insecure about.” Then he continued, “If you are worried about your makeup getting messed up, we have plenty of females up here to fix it after you get out of the water.” I was like, “Lord stop. I’m not doing this today. I am in leggings and a t-shirt. I can’t do this.” Then the last one I remembered the pastor saying was, “If you are worried about your clothes, don’t even worry because we have free clothes up here for you!”
After that, I honestly felt like I blacked out.
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