Jeff's Faith Journey- Part 2
Hi friends! Today is part 2 of Jeff’s faith journey. This part is such a great reminder to me that we never really know what someone is going through if we only look at the surface level. To me it is amazing because Jeff is such a different man now than he was then. Without knowing the depths of what he walked through, we would not truly understand the magnitude of the great victory that was to come. Enjoy!
The real estate market was booming, and big commissions started to hit. Both my wife and I were killing it and it appeared like we had it made. We were in our late 20’s to early 30’s, married, dual income, both making over six figures, and no kids. We would take big, expensive, three- or four-week vacations to places like Australia, Tahiti, and Europe. We traveled all over the world. We had bought a beach condo, had new cars, attended big fundraisers for the city’s “top” people, and were socialites on the move. We were doing what we thought checked all the boxes for “adulting”, but I was miserable.
From the outside it looked like we were living the life, but on the inside we were just going through the motions and fighting all the time. I still had a lack of self-confidence and there was an emptiness that I was trying to fill. People would say that I had it made since I was married to an attorney. In all reality, I was making six figures as well, but that went unrecognized. I felt like I was living in someone’s shadow. I was also somewhat introverted to begin with, so I began to use alcohol as a way to help me be more social and outgoing for all the events we would go to.
Overall, I tried to fill the voids with alcohol. Eventually, I found excuses to go out with my friends just to be able to drink. I would go walk on the beach so I could duck into a bar and take a shot. I hid airplane bottles in my golf bag that I kept in my car just so I wouldn’t be without alcohol. I would sneak a shot when no one was looking. More and more of my time was spent trying to figure out when that next drink would come. I had become consumed by it.
After the housing market crashed in 2008, the pipeline for my job in commercial real estate dried up. The phones stopped ringing one day and I had a lot of time on my hands. You’ve heard Proverbs 16:27 “Idle hands are the devil’s workshop,” well the devil had a field day with me. With it being so slow, I found myself drinking at lunch and then spending the afternoons shooting pool.
My marriage fell apart. I felt like a failure and inadequate. I believed I had let my parents and other people down. I fell into a deep depression, and I was in a downward spiral. My real estate partner, who had taken me under his wing when I had moved to Jacksonville, no longer wanted to work with me for good reason. I moved out of our beach condo and didn’t speak to my wife for three or four months. I would wake up in the morning hung over and grab a bottle of wine to chug so I could stop the shakes. It was all I could do each day to make it to the convenience store to buy more alcohol. Honestly, I didn’t really care if I lived or not at that point. I had heard that the best way to dig yourself out of a hole is to quit digging. Well, I kept digging until I hit the bedrock.
Christmas 2010 came around and I usually would go home for Christmas. By this time, I had lost my driver’s license again due to the seizures that stemmed from alcohol withdrawal. I was separated at that time, but my wife said she would give me a ride to Virginia to be with my parents. I remember getting in the car and going through alcohol detox tremors for the whole 12-hour ride. She dropped me off at an exit off the interstate where my dad met us. I could hardly walk to my dad’s truck because I was shaking so much. We did not really say much to each other. He took me home, put me in bed, and I slept until the next morning. When I got up, my parents asked me if I was willing to accept help. I was done. I was tired of lying. I was tired of the pain. I was tired of it all. I just wanted it all to go away. I didn’t know what that would look like, but I was done, and I wanted help. I said, “Yes, please.”
Mom had done some research and found a treatment that involved surgically implanting medication into my body through a small incision just above my hips. It was supposed to help with the alcohol cravings and the chemical imbalance caused by years of alcohol abuse. This treatment lasted three or four weeks and I would get a new implant each week or so. I remember having to remove the stitches myself on a couple occasions. After that treatment, I entered a rehab facility in northern Virginia for a month or so.
Rehab was no Betty Ford clinic with swimming pools and celebrities. It was bare bones to say the least. It didn’t have enough programs, so they sent us off in a big group to attend several Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings each day to keep us occupied. I didn’t care too much for the AA meetings, although I was very excited when I got my 30-day sobriety chip. One, it meant that I had been sober for 30 days for the first time in 15 years and two, I got to leave the rehab facility soon. Hallelujah!
Once I got out of rehab, I headed back to Florida. My parents were a little hesitant to see me go back on my own for fear of a relapse; but, by that time I had determined that I wanted to change. One of the things that stood out during my time in the facility was a video I saw. It had shown how the introduction of alcohol would disrupt the formation of these crystals. They were no longer symmetrical and looked dilapidated. It was eye opening to me to realize that it was a poison that I was putting inside of me. Our bodies are made up of their own chemicals and adding an outside chemical to it will cause an imbalance. It had a profound effect on me. I did not want to keep introducing a toxin into my body.
I never felt the need to go back to AA. Some people love it, but I could envision myself using it as a crutch in my own life. I did not want that. I know it works well for some people, but it just was not for me. They tell you that if you had a drink again you would not skip a beat and would pick up right where you left off. I could see that and feel that, so I did not want to go back to drinking. I wanted something different for my life.
I began looking into seeking a healthier lifestyle. Eating better, working out, and taking a more holistic approach to medicine. One of my friends always makes fun of me because he will say I tell people to just eat some dirt when they are sick, and they will get better. It’s not that extreme, but instead of going to get more medicine and chemicals in my body to treat symptoms, I try to focus on the root cause. I used exercise to release natural endorphins instead of using alcohol. I was trying to substitute bad behavior with good behavior. However, I still had this void in my heart that I couldn’t explain.
When I got back to Florida, I thought I was going to be able to reconcile with my wife. I thought that if my drinking was the main source of our fights, then now that I was no longer drinking, we could move forward. That thought didn’t last long as she asked me to move out soon after my return. She didn’t trust me or want to have much to do with me, for which I can’t blame her. I moved out and found an apartment. It was there I felt the gravity of the situation. My marriage was over. I no longer had a real estate career. I felt tremendous embarrassment and shame. I was a failure. I felt alone. I knew that I needed to stay sober and start over. However, it felt like there was no way that I could do that on my own. I still had this burden on me. I knew that if I was going to make this work, if there was going to be a positive outcome in my life, then I couldn’t do it on my own. I couldn’t. I had tried to do it on my own and this was where it had gotten me.
I needed some more help.
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