Jeff's Faith Journey- Part 3

Hi friends! Today is part 3 of Jeff’s faith journey! We last left off with him recognizing that he needed more help in his life. This is the part where God begins to work and the beginning of renewal. Enjoy!

I remember kneeling on the floor in my apartment and praying to God.  It went something like, “God take this.  It’s yours.  I can’t do this anymore.  I need your help.  I’m trying to do it my way and it’s not working.”  You see, that was the problem.  Until that point, my attitude was, “It’s not a big deal and I can handle this.  I can stop drinking whenever I want.  I don’t need anybody’s help.  It’s no problem.  I can do this.”  Finally, I got to the point where I realized that I couldn’t handle it myself.  So that night I just prayed to God and asked Him, “Take this burden away from me.  Take it.  I need your help.  I can’t do this on my own.”  

Once I had prayed that prayer, it was like night and day.  It was like a switch just flipped.  This weight, this heaviness that I had been carrying for so long from the lying, deceit, and shame went away.  The burden disappeared.  It was crazy the overwhelming sense of relief that I felt.  I would love to say that everything has been perfect since that prayer and that my life has been without trials, but I can’t. However, I now know that I am no longer alone in the trials. 

Soon thereafter a good friend asked if I wanted to go explore churches.  Looking back, I see God’s hand in her role in my recovery.  Although I do not know for certain, I am pretty sure she was relaying my terrible condition to my parents when I was at my lowest.  She was also willing to seek out churches so I would have a solid foundation on which to rebuild my life.  Over several Sundays we checked out different churches and I settled on one that was not far from where I was living.  The worship band was playing “Livin’ On A Prayer” by Bon Jovi.  I figured this place doesn’t take itself too seriously and I may fit in.  I started going and getting involved knowing that I needed constant encouragement and I needed to stay out of trouble.  I joined a men’s life group that met every Wednesday night and really started to understand the true way to follow Jesus. 

I began to finally process that my marriage was over, and I decided to work on myself first before I got into another relationship.  I was looking for ways to rebuild my mind and body from the damage I had inflicted from years of drinking. I continued to change my diet and began going to the gym and lifting weights regularly to get into shape.  I also studied what made for a healthy relationship. I drew inspiration from couples that were in good, strong relationships to see what they were doing that was successful.  I noticed that faith was a unifying factor.  Both the husband and wife had a strong faith in God.  I also observed that the men were leaders in their household and would set an example for their wife and kids.  They would do this by being a good father, a good husband, and treating the wife as his true love.  They were not doormats in the relationship, rather they took an active role to stand up for their family and their beliefs.  I wanted to emulate that. 

I slowly built back my self-confidence.  I admit that during that whole rebuilding process there was a lot of shame and guilt that I dealt with.  The enemy will attack and condemn us every chance he can.  I thought, “I let my family down. I failed at my marriage. I am a failure. I let alcohol beat me.”  But leaning into God helped me realize the doubts and shame were the devil whispering in my ear.  These were not thoughts from God.  The people I thought were talking about me and judging me could have cared less.  It was just in my head.  If I had reached out to those people, they would have been there to help me and not condemn me.  I also realized that everyone has their own struggles they are dealing with, and most of the time they are sympathetic to others going through struggles as well. 

By 2015, I was on fire for God and decided to join a short-term construction mission trip to Costa Rica held by my church.  It was at Faithful Servant Missions (FSM) in San Ramon. The trip was really eye opening.  A lot of people will go on mission trips and will be wrecked by the extreme poverty they witness.  But for me, what affected me most was seeing the joy on the people’s faces even though they did not have much.  On this trip I started to open up and I shared my recent struggles with other people on the trip for the first time.  In telling my journey, I got a lot of the junk that I had been hiding off my chest.  God gave me this opportunity to gain more freedom from my past.

Shortly after the trip, I finalized my divorce.  We sold the condo as part of the process, and I used some of the money to pay off some debts.  I had not yet lined up an apartment, so I was going to be homeless for a short time.  I stayed at the Intown “not so” Suites for a couple of weeks and then went home for Christmas for another few weeks.  When I returned, I stayed at a friend’s place while I decided what was next.  I thought about leaving Jacksonville and revisiting Thailand for a bit.   However, the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to do something more meaningful.  

Since I had just been to Costa Rica on a mission trip, I decided to see if I could go back down and help at the mission.  I spoke to the head of the mission in Costa Rica, and she said she could use some video and photography of the mission.  When the housing market crashed years before, I had started a side business as a professional photographer so I knew I could contribute.  I lived in Costa Rica for six weeks helping the mission, taking pictures, making videos, and helping where I could.  It was a lot of fun playing with the kids who came to the after-school program and each day was different.  I do not know how much of an impact I made for the mission, but it made a huge impact on me.  

My time in Costa Rica was when I was able to prove to myself that I was okay standing on my own.  I had been in a relationship for close to 15 years since college.  At that point, so much of my identity was wrapped up in another person.  I needed to know that I was okay by myself and that I got my identity from God, not my surroundings, not my job, and not from another person.  Going down to Costa Rica for six weeks was taking a big step toward that. 

When I was there, I began to explore.  Even though I spoke very little Spanish, the first week I decided to take a little walk into town.  The second weekend, I took the truck out with Jafeth, the recreation director at FSM, to go to a nearby town.  Each day it was another small challenge.  Each day I went a little bit further, and further, and further.  It all culminated into a capstone experience where I decided to head out on my own to go diving on the coast. 

I began the adventure by going to the outskirts of San Ramon to find the bus that would take me directly to Playas del Coco.  I found out that you had to go to the fruit stand next to the highway, give the guy a few colones (Costa Rican currency), tell him where you are going, and then he’ll get you on the right bus.  The double decker bus came and there were several of us lined up at the front door waiting to get on. There was a lady standing near the back door with these huge duffel bags.  The bus driver got out, walked over to her, and they fought for about five minutes.  Finally, he conceded, threw her bags under the bus, opened the back door for her, and then drove off. 

The 15 of us standing in line to get on the bus stood there in confusion.  Luckily, there was a Plan B set up if the direct bus didn’t come.  Instead, I would catch a bus to Liberia and then transfer to another bus to get to Playas del Coco.   I turned around to the guy beside me, shrugged my shoulders, and said “Liberia?”  He responded, “Si, Liberia.”  We waited another 40 minutes for the bus to Liberia to arrive.  I looked over to the fruit stand guy and he said “Si.”  

The bus eventually stopped, but there was no bus station. I did not realize it was the destination until the bus driver looked up and said, “Liberia!”  I got off the bus, bought some ice cream at the grocery store, and walked to a nearby fruit stand again.  I did the same routine.  “Playas del Coco?”  He said, “Si.  Si.”  I gave him a couple of colones and he directed me onto the right bus.  While I was on the bus, I spoke to a girl that knew English. She told me which stop to get off on since it was not straightforward.

After the bus dropped me off, I had to find the Airbnb that I was staying at.  The instructions were very vague.  I was told to go down a road until you see a rock.  Take a left at the rock.  Then go down the road until you see a little bridge.  Cross that and on the left you’ll see a Costa Rican flag.   That’s the house.  Even though the “map” was unclear, I was able to arrive safely at the house. 

The entire trip ended up being fun.  The dives were amazing, the people I stayed with were friendly, and one night I even stumbled across a lively Pentecostal church that had music and ladies falling out in the Spirit.  That trip was really the pinnacle of my time in Costa Rica.  It was an adventure where I had to be flexible and learned to trust that I could figure things out. Although I knew I had not “made it” yet, I thought to myself, “Hey, you are going to be okay.”  I finally knew that I could stand on my own.

Now that God had begun to rebuild me, He began to place new opportunities into my life. He was not done refining me and bringing a new chapter to my story.

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