Marriage Reminders

Hi everyone! This past weekend we went to a marriage retreat as a way to continually strengthen our marriage. A while ago we felt the enemy try to attack our marriage and we decided that although we feel our relationship is in a good place, we needed to build our armor against another attack. We know that it is not an “if” but rather a “when” the enemy attacks situation, so we wanted to be prepared. We also know that this is not exclusive to our marriage but many marriages. Therefore, I thought that these marriage reminders that we gleaned during the retreat would be good to share with others that are married, but even those that are not but hope to be. Enjoy!

Have you ever seen those warning signs that made you laugh a little until you realized that there had to be a reason that it was there?  In college I was at the laundromat and saw a sticker on the dryers that said, “look inside for small children and pets before using.”  Uh oh, that is no good.  More recently, while Jeff and I were kayaking, we saw a sign prohibiting all sorts of interactions with the manatees, including a reminder “do NOT stand” on manatees.  I mean really?  Who is trying to stand on these sweet creatures? 

But what about the areas of our lives that do not come with warning signs and stickers all over them even though we really do need those reminders.

This weekend Jeff and I went to a marriage retreat held by our church.  Although we believe that our marriage is in a good place, we both agree that being intentional about our relationship is very important.  After all, one of our major life goals is to reach our 50th wedding anniversary even more in love than when we got married and that does not come without making a concerted effort.  Of course, that also involves us living until we are very old, but I digress. 

The retreat was held in a beautiful, scenic place surrounded by tall, majestic pine trees, river front property, and a few resident alligators sprinkled in the mix to keep it lively.  There was something special about being surrounded by nature that allowed us to shed the busyness of our lives and just rest in God.  The spotty cell phone reception also helped!

Although we did not know what content was going to be delivered during the retreat, we quickly realized that we were fortunate that we had already learned much of that information along the way in our years of marriage.  However, we also recognized that we still needed those reminders and warnings to check and see whether we have drifted, where there was room for improvement, and even to recognize areas where we were doing well as a way of encouraging us.  The reminders were critical so I thought I would share some of them. 

Reminder 1: God first.

This is something that Jeff and I had agreed to before we ever got married.  The hierarchy of our priorities was and remains, God first, each other second, and then everything else is under that.  For us that means our jobs, our future kids, our friends, our family, our hobbies, and our dog (but do not tell our dog Anza that, she thinks she is at the center of it all).  Everything.  It is not to say that those things that are tertiary and beyond are not important to us, rather it is an agreement that we must make a conscious effort not to let them be above our marriage in priority.  Looking the other direction, if God is not first in our lives and our focus is not on Him first then our vision of life is limited, and we are unable to truly pour into people well. 

I loved the simple reminder that they gave at the retreat.  You have to make sure that your vertical relationship (your relationship with God) is right before you go to your horizontal relationships (your relationship with others). 

Reminder 2: Marriage is a covenant, not a contract. 

A contract speaks to the idea of “if you, then I” whereas a covenant does not use stipulations.  It is an “I will do this regardless of what you do.”  Can you imagine if the standard wedding vows were written like a contract instead of as a covenant?

I_____ take you_____ to be my wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, as long as you are pleasing to me, for better but if things get worse I no longer have to stick around, for richer but if you are not financially stable I may leave you, in sickness, hmmm that seems like a hassle actually so stay healthy, to love and to cherish, until death do us part, well death seems extreme so how about until I no longer feel like you are the one. 

Though I use this “contractual” wedding vow example in a tongue in cheek way, please know that this is not to condemn those that have gone through the pain of a divorce.  I know and admire some very godly men and women that have had to walk through this difficult process; but rather it is to wonder if when we enter marriage are we truly approaching it as a covenant process?  Do we walk in with the marriage mentality of “I will do this regardless of what you do” for the rest of our lives together and really mean it?  Do we go in deciding to love our spouse as God loves us because certainly He continued to love us, cherish us, provide for us, forgive us, stand by us, and remain faithful to us no matter how much we have wandered, ignored Him, or even denied Him.  Most of all, are we willing to stay in a covenant mentality in our marriage because that is where strength and durability can be found.

Over a decade ago I heard about a couple that was married for over fifty years.  When asked what their secret to a long marriage was, the man simply replied that they never fell out of love at the same time.  That there was always one of them in the relationship that was helping the other through to the other side when the other did not feel that love.  I thought that was cute but if you really think about it, in this scenario there is an element of covenant thinking.  The mentality of, “I will remain in a position of loving you, caring for you, and advocating for you regardless of if you do this for me.”  Tough? Yes.  But a part of helping the other through that valley?  Absolutely.

Reminder 3: Marriage involves submission.

I know, we can get in quite the uproar about this word but the idea of submission in a Christ-centered marriage is critical.  While the world may surround the word submission with negative connotations indicating weakness, oppression, and powerlessness, submission in the context of marriage is different.  As someone phrased it at the retreat, submission is simply making the other person’s deal bigger than your own deal.  Very few want to submit to someone that is more in it for themselves, which can be a natural tendency we have.  But someone that is truly striving after what it means to love as Christ loved the church can provide leadership.  When our focus is outward on God, it allows us to stop looking inward at what is in it for us. 

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)

People often read this scripture at weddings, but to live it well takes God.

As our pastor says at times, marriage is a submission competition, meaning that it also involves mutual submission.  If a marriage involved a situation where both people were constantly advocating for one another and making the other person’s things a priority, we would begin to see how this would solidify our marriage.  We would not be self-seeking rather we would be looking toward how we can help advocate for the other.  We would come from a perspective of knowing that the other person has our best interests at heart.  We would be the other's number one cheerleader in life.  Perhaps I do not need the pom poms and cartwheels, though I am sure Jeff could somehow pull it off, but the cheering on, the encouragement, the belief in the other, those aspects I admit I love.  Jeff does that for me and I want to be that same person for him. 

Reminder 4: Be a student and stay curious.

Be a student of your spouse.  Study them, ask them questions, find out what helps them to thrive, and how you can contribute to that process.  It was brought up that many conflicts that you see in marriage are due to your upbringing.  That rings true.  Our upbringing is where we formulated what marriage and family look like if it was healthy, or perhaps things that would cause us to throw our guards up if it was not.  Those experiences and thoughts have helped to shape us in good ways and perhaps ways that could be improved.  The trap that we can get into is to think we know everything about our spouse, how they think, how they respond etc.  While we do have a good idea, we do not necessarily know a fuller picture if we do not ask.  Besides, we are changing even as adults and since we are not static, we cannot assume we know it all. 

I liked this statement that they made at the retreat.  “Successful communication lies in sending the right content in a way that is received and understood.”  The example given was that if someone was talking to you in a different language, let’s say Spanish, and you do not understand that language, then the communication is lost.  Do we know how someone best receives information?  Do we create a healthy environment where communication can thrive? 

One of the exercises we did was to select your three most important communication preferences from a long one-page list of options.  Although Jeff and I have already worked on communication in our relationship, simply doing that task revealed other opportunities for growth.  I had never done the task of choosing the three most important ways in which I prefer to receive communication, but when faced with narrowing it down to the essentials, it helped me.  After all, if I cannot define what is most important in communication to myself, how will I ever be able to ask for that communication style from others?

Another helpful thing we did at the retreat to be a student of our spouses was to know and share our enneagram numbers.  Now, I know that there is no one personality test that can clearly encapsulate all the things that make us unique; however, using these profiles as a tool was really helpful for us.  The descriptions were pretty on point, including the emotion that we may be living in or avoiding, and it somehow gave a deeper understanding of the other person.  I have attached a link that we were sent to find your enneagram number if you are interested in finding out for yourself what number you are. Enneagram link 

Reminder 5: Be intentional.

The whole experience was a reminder to put the effort into our marriage.  In all reality, the reason that Jeff and I were able to get the most out of the marriage retreat was because we were intentional.  We made the time to go to the retreat and get away from distractions.  We made the time to do the exercises that they encouraged us to do.  I am not talking exercises like burpees… I would have probably skipped those… but the ones that were created so that we would get to know ourselves and each other better.  We grew the most as a couple by discussing the reminders we heard and the challenging questions that were posed.  I will not write them out verbatim, but questions like:

How do you think your upbringing and family culture impacts your marriage in positive and negative ways?

Where do we need to improve our communication and how can we better understand one another and feel understood?

What do I do that may serve as an obstacle for open and loving communication?

There is so much that can be gained from listening and hearing the responses.  It is true that it can be difficult because you do not want to feel that you have failed your spouse in some way, but the road to a deeper bond also requires that you inspect the possible cracks in the foundation.

Of course, there was so much more to be gained, but those were some of the reminders.  We were glad to get a way to this retreat.  The simple act of being together in that setting gave us quality time to focus on each other in a new way since the busyness of our lives was put on pause.

Since we opened with warnings, I will end with a few warning reminders.

Warnings for marriage:

Do not take your eyes off God.

Do not enter a contract mentality.

Do not joust for power.

Do not think you know it all.

Do not get lazy and forget to pour in.

Do not stand on the manatees.  (Okay that one is not about marriage, but honestly, whoever is doing that please give these little creatures a break!)