Silvia's Faith Journey- Part 10

Hi everyone! Today is about the last thing that had to give before I surrendered to Christ. For some unknown reason this part was difficult for me to share, so I hope that somehow it is valuable to you. Enjoy!

Ike’s testimony about how God had protected his heart from hatred had rattled me.  If God had protected my heart as He did for Ike, then how else had He been working for me the entire time that I was against Him?  I was beginning to turn toward God, but I still would not surrender.  Something was in the way.  

About a year or so before this point I started showing interest in dating again.  It shocked some of my friends because they thought I would never recover from Jared’s death.  Their surprise was not unwarranted.  It had taken me five to six years to peel myself away from my deep depression and get to a point where I would consider anyone else.  

Trying to date again was tough. I met people that were not right for me.  In fact, after one of my dates I remember I told my friend, “Ugh, I went out with this statistician who bragged about how funny he was, but he was not funny AT ALL.”  Immediately my friend quipped, “Is that statistically significant?”  Now THAT is funny.  

Joking aside, the problem was that there was always something missing. One day I was feeling particularly down about ever meeting anyone.  No one compared to Jared.  To add insult to injury, a guy that I had been on a few dates with accusingly told me that he did an internet search on me and that I was not young enough for him.  Ouch.  First, ask me my personal information instead of stalking me online to get it.  Second, in the words of Stephanie Tanner (from the old TV show Full House), “How rude!”  Though I had not thought about settling down with him, it hurt to be rejected for that reason.  I felt bitter that I had lost so much time in my depression after Jared that now, when I was finally ready to date, I was apparently all washed up.

To get my mind off this insult, my friends convinced me to come out to play tennis.  I was not interested in being around people, but I compromised and said I would walk my dog around the park while they were playing.  One of my friends had invited some guy that he played tennis with.  I was oblivious to this stranger and wandered off to walk Anza.  When I came back, I was talking to my friends and this guy.  We will call him Tom, not his real name but whatever he is a real person.  Unexpectedly, as I talked to Tom, there was an instant connection.  I had only had that feeling once before in my life and that had been with Jared.

Tom asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner with him later that week and I agreed.  When we were at dinner he prayed before our meal.  I made some lame comment like, “Wow, you’re really into God.” Smooth, I know. Sign up for my Dating 101 course now! Ha! Kidding. Though God no longer bothered me after my revelation from Ike’s testimony, I certainly did not have a true relationship with Him.  I do not even remember what Tom and I said, but we talked for hours and before we knew it the restaurant was closing.  Every time we got together we would lose track of time.  It was exciting because I finally met someone that truly, and here was the problem, reminded me a lot of Jared.  

While Tom was a great person, in retrospect what was happening was that I had a huge unknown idol.  It was Jared. My “worship” of Jared had dictated my choices for years.  When he was alive, I loved him above all things. When he was killed, I believed my life was meaningless. When I was ready to date again, I searched for him in others.

That is the thing about idols, they take the place of God and we are left following a false god.  Jared did not demand that I make him a godlike figure, it happened because I did not have God firmly centered in my life. I clutched on to the person that made me feel like I was worthwhile.  The problem was not that I loved Jared, it was that I loved him more than God.  The other issue?  An idol will fail you, whether it is money, success, or in this case a person.  Jared’s death meant that I did not have anything to cling to.  Losing him would always have been devastating, but the depth of pain was amplified because I idolized him. He was everything to me and I was nothing without him. 

What had been missing in others when I was dating was that they were not reminiscent enough of Jared, who I was unconsciously seeking. But then, against all odds, I met Tom and he seemed to be close to what I was searching for.  Life was beginning to feel “right” again.

One evening Tom and I were sitting on a bench outside of my apartment building talking. Suddenly, he announced that he could no longer pursue dating me because I was not Christian.  Would it be okay if we were only friends?  I politely said no to the offer of friendship and walked down the concrete path back to my apartment.  My head was reeling. My heart was breaking. I did not know what to do.  The one person that was closest to my reconstructed Jared had rejected me. 

At that moment, there was nothing left.  I felt crushed.  It was like losing Jared again.

I remember looking up at the night sky and telling God, “I can’t take this anymore.  I need you to take over.”  At the time, I did not realize exactly why I could not “take it” but over the next several days it became clear that I had an idol that was being broken, and it hurt.  

But God.  Over the next few days, God showed up.  He gave me a sense of peace that I did not understand.  I even had asked God for a ridiculous sign as I walked on the beach.  “God, if you are real, then make a cross with a cloud.”  I mean really?  To my surprise, God delivered moments later.  Shortly after making my plea, I stopped to randomly take a picture of the ocean and sky.  When I looked at the picture, my jaw dropped.  There was a cloud in the sky that was casting a shadow on the ocean beneath it. Together, the cloud and the cloud’s shadow looked like a cross.  (There was another one in the sky as well). I do not think God says, “In your face” since He is more gracious than that… but if it was me, I probably would have said it.  

God finally had my ear, and I was listening. 

What was next was very difficult, but it was the last thing standing in my way to surrender.  I was sitting on my bed a day or so later and I finally realized that the major obstacle between me and Jesus was this:  Jared never indicated he was a Christ follower, and I did not know if he surrendered to Christ in those last moments.  If he did not believe in Christ, I knew the implication of what would happen if I chose to follow Christ.  Jared and I would be separated for eternity.  For so long, I was waiting to join Jared wherever he was, so I decided there had to be many paths to heaven, it could not only be through Jesus.  However, I knew multiple paths was against Christianity and so I would not accept the gospel.  But there I was.  God had shown up and revealed His love to me in many ways.  I had to decide whether I would walk with God or hang on to my idol of Jared at all costs.  Who would I follow? In one of the more painful moments of life, I let my idol shatter and fall to the wayside.  I would never let go of the fact that I had loved Jared deeply, but it was time to stop clinging on to something that I put above God.

A choice had to be made, and I finally chose to surrender my life to Jesus.