Silvia's Faith Journey- Part 12
Hi everyone! This is part of my faith journey that was difficult to write, but I am glad to share it in such an honest way if it helps someone else. It is a little longer, but I had to rip it off like a band-aid instead of breaking it into two parts. Although intensely personal, I believe it is important to share because it was the first time I let God guide me through a very dark valley. I hope God moves you as needed. Enjoy!
Each fall, our church has an annual multi-day event called Saturated. Starting on Wednesday, pastors from different churches are invited to come and preach. It was a time of revival. I had just surrendered to Christ two to three months before and I was excited to attend this event. The first guest pastor in the series was Ryan Kwon. He opened by explaining that he came that night at a tender moment in his life and broken. Two people he knew had passed away, one from suicide and another had stopped breathing at age 26, and he had to return home early to lead two memorials that weekend. With those heartaches on his heart and mind, he decided to preach on a different topic than what he originally intended. The new subject? Suffering.
The idea of God being good amid suffering the loss of a loved one is sometimes difficult to navigate, but Pastor Kwon preached one of the best presentations I had heard on that matter. It resonated deeply with me. I remember wishing I had heard his sermon before my dad died, perhaps it would have put God in a different perspective for me at that time.
It was during that week that two things happened. One, God called me to go on a short-term mission trip to Uganda. The second, my mom texted me and told me that she had strep. We usually talked every other day, if not daily. When she said she had strep, I assumed that it was strep throat so I texted instead of calling. On Saturday I asked her if she wanted me to fly out to Texas to take care of her, but she replied that there was no need. She texted that she felt weak but was slowly getting better. Reassured, I went to the Saturday Saturated event where my friend introduced me to Mandy, the church’s missions coordinator. It was then that she told me I could still join the Uganda trip even though it was closed. As I went to bed later that night, I listened to Ryan Kwon’s sermon again. I just could not get it out of my mind.
The next day I went to the short-term mission trip meeting Mandy recommended and committed to going to Uganda that day. Nervous and excited about the trip, I texted my mom to tell her, but she did not respond. I figured that she must have been tired, so I did not worry too much.
On Monday, mom still had not texted back. I began to feel more concerned. Surely, she would have read my message by now and would have responded even if she was not feeling well. I talked to my sister, Tina, and she told me that she had talked to mom and that she was going to fly out tomorrow to go check on her. I felt so relieved. At least someone had heard from mom.
When I arrived home from work that day, I saw a flier for Allstate with a picture of the mayhem guy hanging from my doorknob. In big letters it said something like, “Sorry to have missed you this time- Mayhem.” Suddenly, fear clutched my heart. I do not normally react that way, but I had a horrible feeling that something bad was going to happen. To calm myself down I walked my dog around the huge complex where I lived. I was looking to see if other doors had the ad hanging from their doorknob to reassure myself it was no big deal. As my eyes darted from one door to the other, I did not see it on any other door. Mine was the only one. As I walked along the paths weaving throughout the complex, a snake slithered across the pavement in front of me. I felt this sense of dread. I called my friend in a panic and she told me that it was nothing and to relax. I thought, “She’s right. Just calm down. These are not signs. Everything is fine. Nothing is going to go wrong.”
I pulled myself together and went to my disciple group that evening. It was then that the question was posed to the group, “Is God really first in your life?” In that moment, I thought about it to myself and decided that indeed God was above all things in my life. When I got home, for whatever reason, I listened to Ryan Kwon’s sermon for a third time before I drifted off to sleep.
The next morning, I woke up at about 3 to 4AM. Instead of going back to sleep I decided to walk my dog Anza, which was uncharacteristic for me since I usually do not consider that to be a safe choice. As we walked down the quiet, dark streets I looked up and saw the moon and one big puffy cloud in the sky. The way the moonlight was cast on the cloud I could clearly see the shape of a heart. It was amazing. Although I was tired, I went to work feeling uplifted from seeing that heart illuminated in the moonlight. The feeling of dread had vanished. I knew my sister was on the way to check on mom that day and everything was going to be fine.
Later that day, my cell phone rang while I was at work. Normally I do not pick up the phone for numbers I do not recognize, but someone from Texas was calling me. I answered the phone and heard a strained male voice begin to speak. “Is this Silvia?” Yes, I replied. As he continued to inform me that he was a police officer and proceeded to verify my identity, my heart sank rapidly into my stomach. I felt sick. Please God, no. Please do not let this be what I think it is.
The next words would shatter my heart. “I am so sorry to tell you this, but your mom has passed away.” He told me some of the details, but my head was swimming. I did not understand. I thought mom only had strep throat? How could she die? Then I had to do what was the worst thing in my life, I had to call my sister, who was literally in an airport in transit to Texas, and my brother to tell them the news. I went downstairs to talk to my friend and collapsed in his office in tears. Crumpled on the ground and between sobs I kept repeating, “How am I supposed to live without my mom?” I honestly did not know the answer.
My siblings and I all flew out immediately to Texas to be together and arrange mom’s memorial. Although it sounds weird, there was still beauty in that time because I was reminded of how grateful I am to have Tina and Bert as my sister and brother. We gathered to be together and there was never a moment where we fought over money or possessions. We all knew our family had been radically changed. Mom was the hub of it all.
Internally, I was struggling. I felt so guilty because the night before I found out that mom died, I had told God that He was above everything, even my mom. I did not mean for Him to take her. Was He testing me? Was this my fault somehow? How could I have thought that and brought it all to fruition? But the truth is I do not have that type of power. I was simply making the same statement my mom would have made. God first. God was not punishing me for having thought this the night before, He was reminding me to keep my eyes focused on Him because it was the only way to weather the storm that was about to come.
Then the other whispers started. Why didn’t I ignore mom when she said she was fine? Why didn’t I fly out immediately? Why did I assume she had strep throat when she said strep and did not call her to hear in her voice that she was underplaying her condition? What if I had done something different? Why is God doing this? Doesn’t He know we need our mom? Why God? Why? The enemy will use these moments to whisper lies and condemn us. He will use the opportunity to do what he can to try to place a wedge between us and God.
But God stood in the gap and was ever present in my time of despair. While in Texas I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop and to spiral out into a never-ending chasm of grief, but somehow God kept me afloat. Even though I still went through deep grief, the questioning, and the whys, I knew that God was still good. God had prepared me even before mom died with Ryan Kwon’s sermon on suffering. As much as it bothers me, because I love her greatly, mom was never mine to keep. She was God’s child and it was her time to return home to Him. I realized the heart I saw in the sky was mom telling me that she had gone to heaven. My dad had done the same when he sent me that heart in the vines after he died. Now I understood why I could not sleep that morning and made such an unusual choice to walk my dog in the early hours. I was supposed to witness that heart in the cloud.
Then God would prompt me to do something unexpected. To me it is so interesting because it was something God had put into motion through experiences that shaped my heart years before I surrendered to Christ and years before that very moment. It was the story of the custodian that was wept after Jared died because Jared was always kind to him. It was the story of Maria, the custodian at my workplace, who broke down in tears when I told her that I was leaving for a new job because until that time she had never felt important enough to be included. It was the story of people who were seemingly “invisible” in the background of our lives and taking the time to make sure they knew they were seen. Although these interactions may have seemed obscure when I previously mentioned them, God used those stories to prepare me for what He would ask me to do at this time where I needed to hear something important.
The prompt? Go and visit Abdel. Let him know that your mom has passed away.
Abdel was mom’s mechanic who had a shop a few blocks away. She was always kind to Abdel, and he was that story of someone who may not have been “seen”. Certainly, no one would have thought to go tell him that she had passed away even though they had known each other for years. No one would know how mom poured into Abdel, would joke with him, but also showed concern and asked him how he was doing after his mom’s death. He would likely wonder what happened but just assume she had moved on without saying goodbye. That thought bothered me. He was seen by my mom, and was not invisible, and I wanted him to know.
I opened the door of mom’s house and walked through the drizzling rain over to Abdel’s auto shop. I knew the way because mom and I had walked that very same path to pick up the car she gave me only a couple months before. I arrived at the shop, walked over to Abdel, and told him what happened. His head hung down low as he said, “I am so sorry to hear that. I also recently lost my mom and I know how hard it is.” Abdel then told me how my mom had always been so kind to him over the years. He talked about how she would ask him how his mom was doing when his mom was ill and offered support when she passed away. Although I did not know what I was going to say past that, I know that God had me there to hear the next words that were spoken.
Unexpectedly, Abdel looked up at me and said, “You know, your mom was not afraid of anything except one thing. She was afraid of retirement. She did not know what she was going to do with herself if she was no longer working.” As soon as Abdel said those words, it was as if God opened a doorway for me to have some peace. Although I am sure mom would have loved to be a part of our lives now, God had spared her from the only thing she had anxiety about. I realized that God’s picture of what was happening and why was complete, but mine was severely fragmented and had infinitely huge gaps of information. It was a personal reminder that even in a circumstance that hurt intensely, God may have been protecting my mom from suffering later on by bringing her home at that time. It was only a glimpse of all the millions of reasons He may have allowed it, but it was enough for me to be reminded that He is good and He is loving always.
In the following days, everywhere we went people would tell us stories of how mom would encourage them. How she was strong but had such a soft heart and great kindness for others. Mom even taught me a final lesson in those days. The lesson of humility.
In the past, every time I asked about her day, she would say nothing much had happened. Apparently, it was quite the contrary. She had won prestigious awards, a documentary was done on her, and she was an elder of the church she attended. In fact, the latter title she did not even want. The pastor told us they had asked her to be an elder but she refused, saying that she was happy to do the work but did not need the title. The pastor and other elders insisted that she take the title as well. We never knew any of this until after she passed away.
Humble, kind, and ever loving. Mom was one of my best role models in life and even though I still long for her to be here, I am so thankful to God for the time He gave us with her. With mom’s memorial day coming up this week, I am reminded once more how lucky I will be if I am even a fraction of the women she was.
Following Jesus did not guarantee me an easy life without trial and tribulation, but it did guarantee me that He would walk alongside of me through it all. I was never alone even in my darkest hour.
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In case you are interested, a link to Ryan Kwon’s sermon is below:
Mom:
