Silvia's Faith Journey- Part 14

Hi friends! Today is about how God had to break yet another idol (I know right? How many idols did I have? Sheesh!) to get me to the right place in life. Enjoy!

After returning from Africa, I was on fire for God.  One day, I was serving in the church and ran into this guy from my disciple group.  I wanted to ask him for some advice about something for a friend. We agreed to meet later so he could share his insights.  I was never interested in him but when he asked me out on a date after we met, I agreed.  We dated for a short period of time, maybe two weeks at the most, but when he ended it, I was very upset. The funny thing was that I did not know why I was so hurt.  My response seemed disproportionate to the time we had dated.  I tried to rationalize. Was it because I felt bonded to him because we were in a disciple group together?  Or maybe I felt our relationship was deeper than it was because he knew about my mom’s death and my mission trip? After all, both were huge life events for me.  I could not explain it and the sadness lingered. 

Finally, I reached out to my good friend Ron, who I met on the Africa mission trip, to ask for wise counsel.  He told me he would like to pray on it and get back to me.  True to his word, he called after he had time to hear from the Lord and asked if I was in a good place to talk.  I happened to be at work, so I headed off to a little room that was hidden in the building for what I thought was going to be a quick conversation. 

Ron began to speak in a careful and loving way.  I will not get the words verbatim, but it was along the lines of, “Silvia, I have prayed on this a lot. I know this will be hard, but I believe God wants me to tell you that you have an idol of marriage and kids.  I believe that God wants you to be satisfied with it just being you and Him, even if that means you will never get married or have kids.”  Ron then paused so that I could absorb the words he had just spoken.  The silence on his end was met only by the sounds of me hyperventilating and crying.  Very gently he said that he was so sorry to have to tell me all of that, but he knew I had to hear it. He asked me if I was okay.  Amidst sobs, I told Ron that he must be on target otherwise why would I be in near hysterics?

I had never considered the idea of being single, never married, and without children.  It seemed like it was something that was supposed to be a part of my life.  It was not that I had been dreaming about a wedding since I was a little girl, I had not. I did not even melt every time I saw a baby.  In fact, if you put a puppy next to a baby, I was way more likely to notice the puppy.  (A quick tangent and flashback to graduate school when I was sitting at a café and my boyfriend at the time exclaimed, “Oh, it's so cute!” I whipped my head around and saw a little puppy and exclaimed, “Oh my gosh, that puppy is soooooo adorable!” My boyfriend gave me a funny look and then said, “No, Silvia.  Not the puppy, the baby.” My response, “What? There’s a baby?”  Apparently, there was a stroller right next to the puppy that I had not bothered registering in my mind! See, I am very puppy driven).  Back to the story. 

It was not until Ron pointed out this idol that I became truly cognizant of what had happened. Somewhere in my mind I had decided that a husband and children were what I needed to be whole and complete.  If I was to psychoanalyze myself, I would say that it stemmed from losing my dad when I was a teenager.  Regardless, the issue was clear.  Rather than letting my relationship with Christ be the defining factor of what made me whole, I had subconsciously started seeking something else to define me and tell me that I was worthy and valuable.  It took my dear friend Ron to have the wisdom to seek God, the courage to tell me the truth, and the ability to deliver the news in a kind and gentle way for me to be able to receive it. 

Even still, the idea of being single for the rest of my life was a kick in the face.  My idol was hidden so deeply in the dark corner of my heart that it hurt when it was exposed.  I honestly do not remember how the conversation ended, likely with a lot of blubbering on my part, but I would always be so thankful to Ron for being that godly voice of wisdom and discernment in my life. 

The process of releasing my idol of marriage and kids was difficult.  Of course, God had a great sense of humor and the next sermon was about, you guessed it, marriage and kids.  Ha, ha God.  Funny.  In all reality, there was no magic bullet that suddenly shattered my idol, it was simply repeatedly handing it over to God in prayer.  I realized that I had to allow God to step in and dictate that part of my life.  I began to see that though I trusted God with many other areas of my life, I had walled off that part of it with a big “Do NOT Enter” sign.  My experiences of losing dad, mom, and Jared had led me to a place where it was easy to believe the lies that the enemy liked to whisper, “God does not care about you having a family.  He will take away people you love when things are coming together.  He will not let you have it.”  Though I did not know why God allowed each of my loved ones to leave this earth, I did know that it was time to walk away from this false storyline that had been generated in my mind.  It was time to trust Him with what would come in my life regarding marriage and kids instead of trying to control it or force it myself. 

Eventually, I arrived at a place where God was above marriage and children. I realized that I would be fine if it was just me and God.  I was comforted by the realization that if being single for the rest of my life was God’s path for me, He would take the desire for a husband and kids out of my heart.  It would no longer be painful.  However, even if He did not take that longing out of my heart, He would still provide a way for there to be joy. 

It was never that marriage and kids were a bad thing, it was always about the fact that I had placed it in a position that was higher than God.  I do not believe that God “withheld” it from me to punish me because I idolized them.  To the contrary, I believe He protected me. As with all idols, had I clung to them, at some point they would have failed me leading to a deeper harm in my life.  Had I married anyone just for the sake of being married and having kids in the pursuit of feeling whole, my life would have been lonelier than I would have ever imagined.  Had I conformed myself to being whoever it was that I believed someone wanted to marry, instead of being who God created me to be, that would have led to a deeper emptiness and a troubled marriage. 

With time and prayer, I relaxed into the knowledge that if I was single and had God foremost in my life, it would be better than being married with kids and having God secondary or tertiary to those things.  It was God first, everything after that.  Single and no kids no longer bothered me.  I just wanted to be on God’s path.

…and just when I thought I had God’s plan figured out, spoiler alert… I didn’t.

~

One additional thing I wanted to share: