Silvia's Faith Journey- Part 16

Hi friends! Today is the day you may have been waiting for…it is the last segment of what I will share about my faith journey. Thanks for hanging in there with me! Jeff, my husband, recently told me that he was glad that I did it but, in some ways, he was also glad that I was done sharing this part of my faith journey. He had witnessed innumerable tears and emotions that were stirred up during the process of writing my story. It was not always easy, but it was always worth it. I believe the Lord gives us each a story to share to encourage others and to grow His Kingdom. May you all be blessed. Enjoy!

God knows what we need even when we do not anticipate it.  He puts things into action long before we would even be able to begin to process the circumstances around us. 

For me, Charlie’s family held a special place in my heart.  If you ever met any of them, you would immediately know why.  They were all such kind and loving people.  When I saw Helen’s text that Charlie did not have much longer to live, it shook me.  Some reasons made sense, others were based on my personal experiences that somehow translated at the moment. I thought about my dad, who had cancer in the prime of his life, and how it impacted our family when he passed away.  Though Charlie was not my father, he was someone that had protected and cared for me, especially after Jared was killed.   For whatever reason there were echoes of losing my dad all over again. Charlie’s battle with cancer was occurring at a similar age and stage in life as my dad.  It sounds stupid, but he also happened to be Korean, had two daughters and a son, and a wife he loved, all of which mirrored our family composition. Though they were in entirely different fields, Charlie and my dad were also both professors. It felt like there were many parallels.  It did not seem fair.  It was too soon when my dad died. It was too soon for Charlie to go.

When I saw the text God immediately prompted me to do something that, if I am honest, caused anxiety.  “Go extend the gospel to Charlie.”  Even though I loved God and knew what Christ had done in my life, I was concerned about the conversation going south quickly.  In all my years of being in research it was a rarity to come across a scientist that believed in Christ.  As far as I knew Charlie had never accepted Jesus.  The implications of sharing the gospel and a possible refusal to accept it was what made me hesitate. If that occurred it would have resulted in, at minimum, a very awkward moment and, at worst, strife in one of my last opportunities to talk to Charlie face to face.

I felt so torn, but God was clear.  He asked me to demonstrate my love for Charlie by telling him about Christ and God’s great love for him.  I felt the anxiety rising in my heart.  “What if I offended Charlie?  What if he felt judged by me?”  The thought of my last moments with Charlie being contentious felt crippling to me. Despite my hesitation, God used something powerful that had occurred decades before in my life to propel me forward.  Heartache.  I thought about how I did not say the things I wanted to when my dad was dying.  I was afraid to let him go and somehow having certain conversations seemed to be admitting it was time.  As a teenager I did not have the courage. I refused to have those talks and I sat in denial about my dad.  Later, I was weighed down with regret about the things I wish I had told him.  Charlie’s battle with cancer stirred up what I had experienced before with dad.  Even though it wasn’t the same, enough elements appeared to be all too familiar.  This time I realized that I did not want to live in regret over unspoken words again.  I knew I would do it.

Although the Holy Spirit was clear, I did not know how to navigate the situation.  Thankfully, God had already equipped me for that moment through my friend Ron.  If ever there was a rock star at evangelism that I knew in my life at the time, it was Ron.  When we were in Uganda extending the gospel to people, there would be cheers what seemed like every ten minutes coming from the area where Ron was speaking.  People were surrendering to Christ left and right after talking to him.  He would tell you it was all the Holy Spirit, and I agree that he was very Spirit led; but I would also say that Ron had a way of sharing things that drew people close to listen.

I called Ron up and told him what was happening.  How I was anxious about the possibility of creating tension with Charlie when all I wanted to do was hug him and avoid anything that may stir up conflict.  However, ultimately, I knew that God wanted me to share the gospel.  I told Ron that even though we had been in Uganda, and I had repeatedly told people how God so loved us that He sent Jesus on a rescue mission for us, this situation felt different.  The pressure weighed on me even more heavily.  I revealed to him that I simply had no clue how to begin that conversation. 

I would always remember the words that Ron said next.  He told me, “Just ask him if you can tell him a story.  Everybody loves a story.”  He reminded me that I had a testimony for how God moved in my life for a reason.  Begin with that story and then share the gospel.  Although I was still nervous, I was encouraged by that piece of wisdom.  Ron made what initially appeared to be a daunting task seem approachable and feasible.  I would simply be sharing a part of my life with someone I cared about and then God would move from there.  I knew it was still going to be challenging for me to do.  However, with Ron’s words in my mind I felt stronger about being able to lean into God’s will, and not my will, for my time with Charlie.

The days went by quickly and soon it was time to fly out to see Charlie.  Jeff was by my side the entire time.  When we arrived at their home Helen greeted us warmly at the door with a smile and a hug.  She directed us off into a room where Charlie was sitting in a chair.  Although cancer had weakened his body significantly, Charlie still radiated through.  I introduced him to Jeff, since they had never met, and he proceeded to tell Jeff to take good care of me.  Typical Charlie.  He was always looking out for others.  I then asked Charlie if I could tell him a story and he agreed.  I told him about my life, how God had worked through it all, and then extended the gospel.  Charlie knew some of my story, but I believe the portion that most likely resonated was the part he went through in his own way when Jared was killed.  After I finished, I held my breath for a moment in anticipation of what he would say next. 

Charlie thanked me for sharing my story and then proceeded to tell me something that I did not know.  He revealed to me that a little while ago he had met Jesus in a dream.  He spoke softly about how in the dream he met a man and right away he knew it was Christ.  He continued by saying that in that moment he had experienced a greater love than he had ever had in his life.  It was an overwhelming and powerful love.  Even though Charlie loved Helen and his kids so deeply, he knew he was ready to go home and be with Christ.  He had decided to surrender his life to Jesus after that experience.  He was ready to be in the presence of that unimaginable love again.  The rest of our conversation will remain private, but I was so thankful to God for every moment of it.   

When Jeff and I were driving back to our hotel we talked about how relieved I was that Charlie had given his life to Christ before we even arrived.  The weight about his salvation was no longer there.  While that was all true, I admit that I was a bit confused.  I thought, “God, why did you have me go through this whole process if You knew Charlie was already saved?”  It did not make sense to me.  Did I hear God incorrectly?  I was so sure that talking to Charlie about God was the purpose of the trip. 

The next day, before we headed off to my friend’s party, I messaged Helen and told her to let us know if they needed anything while we were in town.  We would be there for a couple more days.  Although God does not always share insights on all His plans, this time He did.  Helen texted something that hit me like a ton of bricks.  She told me that after we left, Charlie said that he was sure that God had sent me to confirm that He exists before he died.  It was true.  God had sent me to see Charlie.

Although I had thought that God was sending me to extend the gospel, His plan was different.  It reminded me of how His ways are always higher.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.  Isaiah 55:8-9 (ESV)

God had already done the work in an entirely unexpected way. His calling for me was not intended for salvation but rather reassurance that what Charlie now believed was real.  It was a way to verify that the place of lavish love he experienced with Christ in his dream was indeed on the horizon.  I believe that the Lord wanted to make that transition from the earthly to the heavenly realm one that Charlie would step into with more confidence and ease.  God is so good.

A while later, we would return to CA for Charlie’s memorial.  It was not easy.  Seeing the sorrow on the faces of people who loved Charlie so greatly truly ripped my heart apart.  In the midst of the tears pouring down my face, Jeff sat by my side handing me tissues and holding my hand during the entire ceremony.  He never did it begrudgingly, Jeff wanted to come alongside of me not only during the laughter but also during the tears.  Jeff truly did what Charlie had requested; he took good care of me.

Months later, Jeff proposed.  We got married shortly thereafter on the beach at the same location where we first met on that run.  Anza, of course, was also present.  I would tell Jeff this later, but after Jared had passed, my brother had told me that Jared was my gold medal, Ajay (my graduate school boyfriend) was my bronze medal, but there was still a silver medal out there.  The problem was that I did not want a silver medal, but I had no clue how I would ever find another gold medal.  It seemed impossible to me.  What I did not know was that God had a plan for me the entire time that exceeded what I could ever have imagined for my life. 

As it turns out, Jeff is not my gold medal.  He is my platinum medal.  He is unexpectedly more than I could have dreamed of.  He loves me better than I could ever hope for and advocates for me in ways that helps me to grow to be someone better.  It is a case of iron sharpens iron.  God brought me a husband not for the person that I was, but for the person that He is refining me to be.  In our marriage we know that God is first in both our lives, but we hold each other second only to God and situated well above all other things in this world.  What blows my mind is that even though Jeff loves me so incredibly well, it is only a small reflection of the love that God has for me and for all of us.

God is truly the God of the impossible.

Although my faith journey continues, this is where I will end what I share.  My friends, I hope that you have gained something positive, perhaps some type of encouragement or gratitude, and maybe even a deeper sense of wonder about God.   Thank you for joining me for part of my faith journey that I shared not only for you all, but for the child that we continue to hope God will one day bless us with.