Silvia's Faith Journey - Part 3

This is part 3 of my faith journey. It was from an extremely difficult part of my life that I would not have gotten through without my mom. I struggled with sharing it so deeply, but my mom raised all of us to be strong. So, on this Mother’s Day, though she is home in heaven, I just want to thank my mom for helping me through one of the worst parts of my life and never giving up on me or my relationship with God.

Have you ever had a dream that is so immersive and real that you can literally feel the emotion overwhelming you?  I’ve had a few of those in my life.  One had Scooby Doo in it, so I do not think it meant anything (I promise you I was NOT on drugs), but it was full of excitement and adventure.  Another occurred after my dad passed away and I woke up crying after experiencing this time with my dad in my dream.  But the one I will share is one that occurred on a regular Sunday.  I had spoken to Jared, my boyfriend who I was doing long distance with, earlier that day on the phone and now there he was in my dream.  He was standing very clearly in front of me wearing his wide striped green and white polo shirt and his khaki shorts.  It was pretty much the outfit that he was wearing in the picture that I took of him below:

I remember in the dream I was laughing so hard while I was looking at him because I could tell that those clothes were tiny on him.  Even though they did not look physically small, I could tell that he had somehow outgrown them.  Amidst my laughter I asked him, “Jared, why are you wearing clothes that do not fit you?”.  He never responded; he just gave me a very knowing smile.  I could feel this powerful wave of joy hit me and reverberate within me.  I woke up mid-laugh and felt comforted and covered in this immense feeling of happiness. 

As I got ready for work that morning, I was watching the news and this funny commercial aired.  It was the first and only time I would ever see it.  The premise was that it was supposed to look like a safe sex ad, with different people saying, “I use one”, or “my girlfriend uses one” etc…, but in reality, it was an ad for a designated driver.  I went off to work amused.  I kept thinking about how I could not wait to talk to Jared later that night during our evening phone call.  I planned on telling him all about my dream and this little commercial I saw today.  I knew both would make him laugh.  We enjoyed those silly little conversations because it was like experiencing the everyday with each other even when we were apart.

I went to work like every other normal day.  When I arrived, I chucked my phone in my drawer and went about my business.  Obviously, this was back in the day when my cell phone was not attached to me like it was some sort of important appendage!  I had a lot to do, so I quickly walked across campus to meet a friend in another building to start some work.  When I arrived, I began to gown up in PPE in this little anteroom before heading to the adjacent room to meet my friend.  Before I could enter the next room, the hallway entry door suddenly opened, and my boss walked in.  He never, I mean NEVER, came to that building so it was a shock to see him.  He was not an outwardly emotional man, but I took one look at his face, which was very strained, and something inside of me started to break.  I could hear the words that hung in the air, “Silvia, Jared has been in an accident.”

During the split second I had to process the information I had this brief flash of hope, and I thought, “Please God, let this just be that Jared is in the hospital, and I need to go immediately.” But I knew by the look on my boss’ face that this was not the case… and then he uttered the words that confirmed my worst fear. “He did not make it.”

After that moment, it felt like a horrible movie.  I felt outside of myself.  All I could hear was this far off voice saying over and over again, “No, no, no, no.” Then somehow, through my shocked and frozen state, with tears pouring out of me, I realized it was my own voice.  I crumbled to the ground sobbing.  My boss tried to get me to his car to take me away from work.  I remember collapsing on various parts of the campus as he tried to lead me to the parking garage.  It was a moment where I was not conscious of whether people were looking at me or not, I was in a haze and could not handle the overwhelming grief.  It was a floodgate of tears mixed in with me repeatedly saying, “No, no, no. This isn’t happening. This isn’t happening.”  It was as if I was hoping if I denied it enough then it would not be true.  I was waiting to wake up from the nightmare, but you cannot do that when it is not a dream. 

The two things I wanted to tell Jared about that night were now horrifying to me.  The dream I had of him on the night he was killed, the one where he had somehow outgrown his clothes, would later symbolize to me the message that he had outgrown this world.  The commercial about designated drivers that I wanted to tell him about was now just a cruel irony.  The reality was that Jared had been killed by a drunk driver that Sunday night while I was sleeping.

My sister would somehow get me to the airport so we could go to San Diego to go to Jared’s memorial.  I do not remember much but I know there is no way I could have made it there if my sister had not watched over me.  I walked around dead to the world.  When we landed at the airport my mom was standing there waiting.  She had flown in before us to be there when we arrived.  I needed to be wrapped up in my mom’s arms to try to anchor me to something.

I remember sitting in a rocking chair in the airport with my mom while my sister went to get a car for us.  I just cried ceaselessly.  How could God take Jared out of this world?   Honestly, I was devastated. I had this angry perspective that there were a lot of horrible people God could have taken, so why did He take such a good one.  I wept bitterly in despair and was lost in a feeling that there were no people around with Jared’s goodness, but in that moment, God would show me differently.

Amidst my tears, I looked up because a young man had approached me and my mom in the airport.  He handed me a pack of tissues and said to me, “I just wanted to give you these.  My girlfriend just lost her grandma and I understand that you are going through something hard.  I’m sorry for your loss.”  With that he walked away.  It was the smallest of gestures, but it was something I held on to as a reminder that there were good and kind people out there.  It was brave of him to approach me, not knowing how I would react but having the courage to care.  That random act of kindness meant so much.

I wish I could say that I had somehow leaned into the Lord at that point and found refuge in Him, but I did not. I was so angry at Him.  I remember thinking, “I asked You for ONE thing God. For the protection of my family and Jared and You could not or would not even do that, I’m not sure what is worse.  You cannot be loving or kind. You cannot tell me that somehow You care about me during all of this, if You did, You would not have let it happen.” So I turned away from God because I was so severely hurt.

We held the memorial service at a park in San Diego. Another eulogy to give in my life. I remember how person after person would come up and share how his friendship meant so much, how he would take the time and truly invest in people.   All of the stories were about how freely he gave of himself, always with a cheerful attitude and always making people feel special and known.  The amazing thing was that Jared had only been in the U.S. for a few years and yet over 300 people poured in to grieve his loss. I would never forget when I went to pick up some of his things from work, I ran into the custodian, and he was crying. He said, “He was always so kind to me. He took the time to talk to me and treat me like I was important.”  At his memorial in Australia, over 550 people would attend his funeral. I could not imagine having such a far-reaching impact that over 850 people would want to pay their respects, but that is just how Jared was.

To me, God had let someone who had such a clear positive impact on the lives of so many just die. Somewhere, deep down, I was also disturbed because Jared had never shared with me that he was Christian, so that meant what exactly?  No, I would not align myself with God on that one.  It was too much for me to handle, so I rejected God and turned my back on Him.  But somehow, even in the depths of the darkness, though I could not feel it, God continued to be faithful to me and care for me.  It would not be something I realized until much later.  It was during that time that I had given up on God, there was a voice that stood in my place.  It was my mom’s faithful prayers that were lifted up to the Lord when I refused to pray.  She never gave up on God or on the hope that someday I would have a relationship with Jesus.  It was my mom’s persistent extension of God’s love that would somehow keep me tethered to God even when I was convinced that He had turned on me. 

……

And just because I felt like this content was so heavy (at least for me)… a picture of mom and me at one of those paint nights to lighten things up. Can you tell who did not follow directions (second picture below)? As far as I am concerned, a giraffe was much cuter than a bunch of grapes and blue seemed more fun. I drew inspiration from my giraffe travel toothbrush holder (how’s that for a muse!) and my mom helped me to paint him just right. Mom was good at helping me with everything.