Silvia's Faith Journey- Part 7

Hello everyone! Today I wanted to share a part of my journey where, in hindsight, I could see how God used very low points to move me out of a place that had become toxic. I was trapped in a deep depression and the fear of losing my science career, which at the time seemed to be the only thing that was recognizable to me after Jared died, was retaining me somewhere I was no longer meant to be. God used things that were meant to harm me for good and to begin to create movement in my life.

After the sentencing hearing I returned to my day-to-day life.  I wish I could say that the trial provided a healing closure, but it did not.  Each day I kept up the façade of being put together, but internally I was dead to the world.  It was not as though I was lighthearted but the depth of my pain I held quietly.  The pressure of walking through a deep depression, remaining productive, and trying to figure out how to pick up the broken pieces was enormous for me.  I was barely holding on and I did not hope in anything. 

Then, my work environment became even more toxic.  My boss was not happy with me.  Even though I was working anywhere from 12-18 hours a day, it was not enough. From my Psychology 101 perspective (Yes! Finally, one of my undergrad degrees is paying off!), the issue was not the amount of effort I put forth every day, it was that I was not giving him something he desired.  Dependence.  It was almost as if he had a personal agenda that emanated from my refusal to let him “repair” me after Jared’s death.  To be honest, once I was out of the initial crisis mode, I began to put things in perspective and see things more clearly.  I no longer wanted to confide in my boss because I simply did not trust him.  In my mind, it would have been dangerous to hand him the broken pieces of me and ask for repair.  

What I knew when I felt a little stronger was that my boss’s word choices were often not life giving.  He may have relayed what he viewed to be the reality, but it tended to break me down rather than build me up.  For example, the day after I found out that Jared was killed, my boss told me, “You are like a small, naked animal trapped in a corner with nowhere to run and no way to get out.  You lost 90% of your support system when Jared died."  Was it true from his perspective?  Probably.  Was it helpful?  I am going to say no. 

Perhaps my shutting him out felt like a rejection to him and it hurt him, this I do not know.  It is only speculation.  Regardless, for whatever reason, the time after Jared’s death was filled with a lot of emotional manipulation at work.   

Just as words can bring life, they can also bring destruction to our hearts.  My boss would frequently tell me statements like, “You think people like you, but they don’t.  They all talk about you behind your back.”  In conversations, he would try to redirect things to bring up Jared’s death.  It often started with “I used to think you were like this because of the “accident”, but now, I realize that you were always snide (or insert whatever other insult he had for the day).”  It was a clever one two punch, essentially saying you seem to be some horrible characteristic because you are in mourning, but, oh wait no, you just have always sucked.  Awesome.  Thanks. 

There was even a time when he wrote an email expounding on how I was a terrible person and then, by his claim, “accidentally” sent it to me.   After I saw it, I thought about what to do and decided I would go speak with him.  I told him that I received his email and that I would try to improve on the points that he made.  I also indicated that I was not mad about the email because I understood that we all have to vent sometimes.  I am no Mother Teresa, but if ever I was even close I felt like that was the moment.  I thought he would be relieved, but instead he looked at me and spoke words that I would never have anticipated, and I would never forget.  He said, “Silvia, you are the most moral and ethical person I know, and you think that is a good thing, but it is not.  You suck the joy and enthusiasm out of everything.”  Ouch.  It was a very confusing response when I thought I had been kind and taken the high road.

I think now of Proverbs 12:18.

The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Whether intentional or not, those condemning words that were repeatedly spoken over me started to pierce into my heart and mind.   Even though I was a strong person, I did not have God in my life, and I was depending on my own strength that simply could not withstand the constant barrage when I was already in a weakened state.  The words crept in and began to bring a deep and destructive doubt into my heart.  I began to think, “How could someone say all these things if they were not true, especially when you know someone is at the lowest point in their life?  No one would just kick someone when they are down for no reason, I must deserve it on some level.  People probably do hate me because who would just make up a lie about that.” 

But then, three difficult things happened that were pivotal for me.  I believe that even though I did not recognize them as blessings in the moment, God used each of them to help speak truth into my life. 

The first thing was that my best friend from work told me that our boss had been telling her things like, “Silvia is not really your friend. She is just using you to get what she wants in science.”  Even if he believed it, the point was to create a wedge.  There was another tactic that he used alongside of that one.  She told me that he would tell her that she would never be as good a scientist as me, which is a lie.  She is highly intelligent and extremely talented.  Either way, the point was to break her trust in me and to turn me into a competitor.  I was furious that he would try to convince her of those lies to destroy our friendship, but it helped me to recognize that there was something much deeper going on. 

The second blessing in disguise was one of the most humiliating moments in my career.  I was walking to run some samples for my experiment on a machine in a room adjacent to the lab.  Suddenly, I felt something hit the back of my head and I immediately heard my boss laughing hysterically.  He was gleefully saying to the other people in the lab, “Did you see that? I got her right in the head!”  I looked down to see what hit me.  It turned out he had taken the time to fashion a big ball out of foil so that he would have something to throw at me.  Somehow, it was a huge victory to him to hit me with something when I was minding my own business and was unaware of what was about to happen.  In that moment, I felt I had only a few choices.  One was to break out in tears from the humiliation, but I refused to give him the satisfaction.  Another was to turn and respond in anger, but that seemed futile.  I decided my best choice was to refrain from turning around, to keep looking forward and to continue to walk to the next room to finish my experiment.  I never acknowledged what had occurred. 

People had told me to report it to HR, but in all reality, they would not be able to do anything about it.  He had the power to easily ruin my science career, so I said nothing.  In this situation one may see nothing good; however, without knowing it, my boss gave me a gift through his actions that were meant for harm.  Before it was unfathomable to me that he would intentionally set out to break me down for no reason.  He would often frame and manipulate things in a way that would make it appear as if I deserved it.  In that case I could not rationalize or justify how I could have possibly instigated any of it.  I was given the freedom to recognize that it was not always about me.  Sometimes it was about a heart issue that he had.

The last moment that happened was hard to swallow, but this was my turning point for deciding I could no longer remain in such a toxic environment.  I was talking to a very good friend of mine about the things going on at work.  Suddenly, she stopped the conversation and very gently told me that she needed to tell me something.  The next words were so shocking that it changed everything.  She told me very plainly, “Silvia, you are beginning to sound like a battered wife.”  It hit me like a ton of bricks. 

Wounds from a friend can be trusted… (Proverbs 27:6)

Sometimes the things we fear will wound our friend and the person we love is the exact thing they need to hear to take steps toward freedom.  I had been very prideful and thought I was so strong that I could handle all the pressure and emotional abuse.  But there it was, the words that indicated the opposite.  I was beginning to constantly blame myself for all the mistreatment I received and I did not recognize it until my friend had the courage to point it out.  I finally realized in that moment that my science career was not enough to let me be destroyed as a person.  I had to leave if I was going to preserve myself.