The Broken Pieces- Part 1

Hi everyone! Today I am beginning a two-part series about a major life event that just happened to me. Today and part 2 are my story about the background pressures, shattered hopes, and how God prevailed at the end. I hope that there is something relatable in the transparency and something encouraging that can be found at the end of part 2. I know we are only in part 1 but it helps to set the scene for what God does in part 2.

I woke up at about 2:30AM one morning with thoughts of the week swirling around in my head.  The ones that I could not shut off because they were filled with anxiety and worry.  Sometimes I get up and go to the living room to listen to worship music to fall back asleep, but that day I felt the Lord tell me to write so I could process everything that was happening. 

I have been, for more years than I care to count, a scientist.  I have gone through rigorous training and had what one professor had referred to as a “great pedigree”.  While I am not a show dog, the point was clear.  I was being groomed and raised up to be a professor.  In academics there is a quiet pressure that academic science is the respectable and seemingly only path to walk.  Other paths are dismissed, and we are given the impression that they are shameful and indicate failure.

Regardless, being a scientist has been something that people tend to automatically respect, whether deserved or not.  It is something that gives the appearance of making me important to others.  I cannot count the number of times someone has told me how they were bragging to someone else about how I am a scientist.  There are times when it feels like that is the only thing people hold me in high regard for, as if that is the only thing that makes me valuable and special.

There is a lot of pressure in science.   The enormous weight to succeed can cause some to compromise their integrity.  In some ways, the system is built in a way that feeds into this path.  If we do not have grants and publications, then our careers are done.  Achieving those benchmarks requires a lot of competition and can often be cutthroat.  If we no longer bring in funding through grants, we are dispensable.  Typically, the department does not fight to find an alternative way to retain us, rather they begin to size up the lab space and start the process of ushering in a replacement.