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God Never Let Go: Paulette's Faith Journey- Part 3
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God Never Let Go: Paulette's Faith Journey- Part 3

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Hi friends!  On today’s episode of Draw Near to Me, we will begin part 3 of Paulette’s faith journey.  For those who prefer to read, today’s content is also posted below.  This part of her story reminds me of how we are in battle with the things that are both seen and unseen.  Over time, I have heard more and more stories about spiritual battles, and this is another example of how real they can be.  Furthermore, I love Paulette’s incredible ability to forgive and how through all these hard experiences she has gained a deeper wisdom that she shares in the beginning of part 3.  If you enjoy this post, please share it with at least one other person using the share button below.  If you are not already a subscriber, consider doing a free or paid subscription so you do not miss any future content.  With that, let’s dive into part 3 of Paulette’s story. Enjoy!

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I cannot explain what it was, but I have always been so sure that God was with me.  Even in the darkest moments of life I knew He was there.  However, I never asked him to save me from my circumstances. I made the mistake of not asking God for wisdom and help prior to major decisions or even in times of need.  It is an important message that I hope to get across.  While it is wonderful to know God never lets us go, we also need to seek Him and the Holy Spirit throughout our lives for guidance.  

I had two precious children with my second husband.  Aside from that, the rest of the time was years  that often felt like a living hell with him.  The man I dated was not the man I married.  Although I love my children that came from that marriage, I also regretted how that very same marriage impacted my older children.  They endured many hard things over those years.  

My husband was later diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic.  Of course, we did not know that during that time.  In retrospect it made sense.  Everything was controlled.  My husband would check the gas mileage on the car every day to see if I went anywhere.  There was no phone in the house and no friends were allowed.  He had threatened my father, which made me hesitant to share anything.  I was not sure what he would do to my parents if I ever said anything to them about what was happening.  I kept many things to myself to protect them.

I didn’t think anything about it then, but as time has gone on, I have wondered how much of the escalation in his behavior was due to spiritual warfare.  Believe it or not, I have thought about whether part of the issue stemmed from the possibility that there was a demon living in our home.  When my daughter was little, she would sit in the empty hall of our house.  She spoke as if she was in a conversation with someone, but no one was there.  One day I asked her who she was talking to, and she replied, “The man that lives here.  The man that lives in the hall.”

Later, I found out that someone had committed murder and suicide in that home.  It was a man who had killed his wife and then killed himself.  It made sense in some ways because it was very strange in that house.  In fact, it was not until we lived in that home did my husband’s behavior switch from being unpleasant to being violent.  At times, his behavior felt simply evil.  I distinctly remember one night I was in bed praying silently to myself.  Suddenly, my husband came storming down the hall and in a voice that I did not recognize he said, “Stop.  Praying.  For.  Me!” It was unnerving.

Over time, I made a few trips to the hospital for being pushed or shoved.  By the 3rd trip to see the emergency doctor, he said, “You know one day one of these falls is gonna kill you.” It was clear that the doctor had figured out what was going on.

I tried to seek help to get out of my situation.  I went to church once, but my problems were too big for them.  I also went to an abused women’s shelter, but they told me I had too many kids and they didn’t have space.   Being turned away was hard, but despite all of that I never believed God had abandoned me.  I never thought He was absent or that He did not care.  I talked to God a lot and Jesus remained my best friend. 

Meanwhile, I was being told daily by my husband that I was crazy.  He said that I was imaging things and that I was not in my right mind.  It was constant.  At one point I began to believe it because things were not lining up.  For example, when I went out and bought groceries, the things I thought I purchased just disappeared.  My husband told me that I never bought them.  I could not find them, so I began to question myself.  Then, one night, I saw my husband pouring out a gallon of milk in the backyard.  I suddenly realized what was actually happening.  By that time I had decided to sneak away to seek help from a psychiatrist.

That was a turning point.  When I saw a psychiatrist he told me, “You’re not mentally ill. There’s nothing wrong with you.  You’re being manipulated and controlled.  You’d probably be better in an alley with your children than in the house with that man.”  It was what I needed to hear.  I went home that day so empowered.  I remember throwing open the door to the room that he worked in and saying, “I’m not crazy and you’re not gonna get away with this anymore.”

I started fighting back.  My husband could dish it out verbally, but he couldn’t take it.  I told him, “I’m getting a job.  I’m putting the kids in daycare, and I’m gonna figure out a way to get out of this place.”  When he took my first paycheck, I hid his car keys deep in a bowl of bird food.  He freaked out because he could not get to work.  I got back in his face because I had nothing to lose. Absolutely nothing to lose. 

Of course, it got worse for a while before it got better.  I called the police to the house so many times for the different things he did.  Over time, everything became incredibly well documented.  He could not deny what was going on.  We finally got divorced.  

During that time, I was constantly talking to God.  As I previously mentioned, I didn’t ask Him to save me from the situation.  Perhaps I felt I had gotten myself into it.  But I always knew that God was there, and I always prayed over and over for the protection for my children.

I was in that relationship for 5 long years before I was finally able to step out on my own again with my children.  Despite everything, I have totally forgiven my ex-husband.  It may be hard to believe given all that I experienced, but I did.  It has taken time, but I hold absolutely no ill will against him.  I recognized that he struggled with his own mental health.  What is also amazing is I think most of my children have also forgiven him.  I thank God that He has helped us all forgive. 

Through that time, God never let me go or forgot about me.  He continued to create a path that equipped me for things to come.  About a year later, I had an opportunity to go work for the city of Savannah. I applied for a position as a therapeutic recreation specialist.  The problem was that the position required a degree with an additional two years of experience in the field.  I had neither. 

Regardless, I went to take the test for the job.  In the end, I scored the highest on the exam relative to the other candidates.  My knowledge was not from anything I learned in a book.  I knew the answers based on the things that I learned from other experiences I had in my life.  This included my time learning about how to work with different populations through my jobs with the state of Georgia’s positive reinforcement program and with the psychoeducation center.  They were all experiences that God had previously equipped me with. 

You see, God got me my first job in Georgia when I wasn’t even looking for one.  Then he moved me to the psychoeducation center where I learned a little more from good people.  Each step was part of how He prepared me for this new opportunity and beyond.  Even years prior He was setting me up for this next step.

I got the job as the therapeutic recreation specialist.  I worked with many different schools, taught, and worked with a lot of different children, including those with Down Syndrome.  I loved that job working with special populations.  I did not have the formal education for it, but I was really good at it.  I look back now and all of that was by the grace of God.  Even in the worst parts of my life, He was moving me toward that.  Later, He would call me to take everything I learned and use it on mission in Panama.

However, years before I ever stepped foot in Panama, I walked through another very dark period in my life.  It could have crushed me, it could have destroyed anyone really, but God never lost sight of me.  He sent the right person into my life at the right time to walk alongside of me.  God then opened an opportunity for me to be in a place where I had the chance to face my past.  In the end, I walked out knowing my worth, but it was a fight to get there. 

To be continued.

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Introductory music credits: Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/ben-johnson/woke-me-at-the-break-of-day License code: OZQ6HPXXVUQJBPSQ

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