Hi friends! On today’s episode of Draw Near to Me, we will begin part 4 of Paulette’s faith journey. For those who prefer to read, today’s content is also posted below. Today I pray that when you read or listen to this with a heart that deeply honors and respects the boldness and courage it took for Paulette to share this part of her story. We often try to gloss over the hard parts of our lives and hide anything that may make us vulnerable. I believe it takes great strength to be this authentic. I hope and pray that her story will deeply resonate with someone who needs to read or hear these words. Paulette took a great step of faith knowing that the enemy did not want her story to be released. She has fought for every difficult piece to be shared because she believes that God will do something very meaningful with it. I am believing that as well. Even in the darkest of times, it is amazing to look back and see how God has placed certain people and events in our lives to help carry us through. Please share this post as you feel led. Before we start, I also wanted to thank all of you who have subscribed to Draw Near to Me. This is my 100th post and I am so thankful to have had a chance to be a part of your lives in a small way. With that, let’s dive into part 4 of Paulette’s story. Enjoy!
Although life was not easy, it got much worse before it got better. One October night, I was heading home when my car broke down. As I began walking home, somebody stopped to help me. Even though I did not know him, he appeared to be nice and I was tired. I foolishly got into his car and before I knew it, he began heading the wrong direction. That night ended in a rape situation that I will not recount, but I will say that I am glad to still be here.
After that night I shut down. It took 3 days before my mind was even able to remember everything. I had parked the memories off to the side somewhere to protect myself, but they could not be contained. When the details came flooding back it felt like things were falling apart. I shut down emotionally, mentally, and became nonfunctioning.
Although the man did not know exactly where I lived, he knew my street and what my car looked like. That knowledge completely stripped away my ability to feel safe. That kind of constant uncertainty finished me off. It impacted my work, my family, and every aspect of my life. It also began to unravel all the pieces I had somehow held together from all my previous hardships.
Back then, it was a time when the woman was often blamed for what happened. My job was one where you had to be above reproach in everything. I was concerned that if anyone found out what happened it might impact my relationships with the parents of the kids I worked with. I decided it was better to keep it to myself. I did not go to the police, but I told my divorce attorney because I wanted it on record somewhere. I kept it from my children so they wouldn’t have to live with that. I sought counseling, but mostly I tried to convince myself that I could tuck it away somehow. We can really try to fool ourselves at times.
I tried to live my life out normally. Even though I did not ask God for help, He sent someone into my life that I truly needed a few months later. I was on my way to an event for my job and decided to stop by Studebakers restaurant to eat beforehand. My friend and I often went because they had a full free buffet. That particular night I was there by myself to grab a quick meal. A group of young Army Rangers were sitting at a table next to me giving me grief, so I decided to move to the bar to get a break from them. I ended up sitting next to this man who was apparently in the Coast Guard. His name was Jeffrey.
Jeff and I started engaging in small talk. His boat was docked in Savannah. Jeff commented on how it was too hot in Savannah for Christmas. He was from New Jersey and missed the snow. In my mind, I thought he needed to get into the Christmas spirit.
Every quarter our program, which worked with kids with challenges, put on a special presentation that was open to the public. I invited everybody to come because it promoted our work and helped with donations. That night, we were doing a Christmas program that my higher functioning Down syndrome children had written. They had dictated it to me, and I wrote the play down. We worked with a theater group to put on the production that night. I invited Jeff to come watch these kids to get into the Christmas spirit, thinking he was a little bit of a scrooge with all the complaining about the snow. I did not think he would actually show up.
Well, I was in for a surprise. Lo and behold, I looked up that night and Jeffrey was sitting in the audience. I thought, “Huh, that’s novel. I really didn’t think he would come.” I realized there was something special about him later that night when a serious issue arose. One of the parents from one of the group homes did not show up to pick up the kids. I had a small car and had more special needs kids that needed a ride than I had space. I did not know how I was going to get them all back safely. Jeff stepped up and offered to take some in his car and follow me.
I was shocked. It was my experience that many people were scared or uncomfortable around those with special needs, but he did not seem to mind. He helped me get them all safely to their homes. I took notice of the fact that he had the best heart. After a few weeks of being friends, we began dating.
Even though I was holding it together superficially, beneath the surface I was not doing well. Before I met Jeffrey, I had come to the conclusion that I was no longer in a state to take care of my children financially, mentally, and emotionally. I had a little insurance policy and I formulated a plan in my head.
I decided that since my car had gotten me into this mess, it could also get me out of it. Maybe the best thing I could do for everybody concerned was to wrap my car around a tree somewhere. At least the insurance money could help my children. I began planning. I knew if something happened to me, my family would step in. So, I carefully found a friend or relative to send each child to be with when I did it. I wanted to make sure everybody was in a place where they were taken care of when they found out.
I was still dating Jeffrey, but he had no idea what I was preparing to do. As he was planning on heading out to Puerto Rico with the Coast Guard, I was secretly planning to wrap my car around a tree. What I didn’t expect was that Jeff had a friend who had been a victim of rape. He knew the characteristics of someone who had gone through that, and he began to recognize them in me as we were dating. Jeff finally asked me about it, and I told him what happened.
Jeffrey had no idea why I had arranged for my kids to stay with other people that summer, but he saw an opportunity. He said to me, “You have all your kids squared away, so why don’t you come with me to Puerto Rico this summer and heal? I’ll be gone a lot, but maybe what you need is to get away from here.” Jeff recognized something critical. I was constantly afraid that I would run into this person every time I stepped out of my house. Being in that state of fear prevented me from healing. I realized Jeff was right, so I decided to go and try to heal instead of ending my life.
Going to Puerto Rico was really interesting for someone who has never been out of the country. I was not worldly. In fact, the first time I had Mexican food was on my first date with Jeffrey. Yet I ended up in a place where I didn’t even speak the language. Jeffrey was deployed our first week there. I was all by myself. I can’t say I felt at home, but surprisingly enough I wasn’t scared. I knew there were a lot of people in the Coast Guard that lived upstairs and were available if I needed help. But mostly, I had relief from the fear that had plagued me everywhere I went at home.
Although I wasn’t scared, I didn’t like being alone. Other than missing my children, the hardest part about being in Puerto Rico was being by myself. It forced me to face those demons of my past. I was someone that tried not to think about the things that I did not want to deal with. Instead, I tried to stash them away somewhere. In my time alone, I could no longer busy myself with other things I used to do to push the memories back. They all came to the forefront of my mind.
As I laid out my life in front of me, it was ugly. I decided I did not like me at all. It seemed like there were so many things to be ashamed about. I concluded that I was not a very good person and that I did not have much worth. But over time God showed me that I was wrong.
Healing was a fight and hard work. I had to pull out my life and examine it. I didn’t have to like it. I could cry, fuss, or scream, but I had to face it. I believe God put me in a position where I could gradually unpack it all and not be so overwhelmed that I couldn’t deal with it.
As it all came out, and I added to my list of the failures or whatever, it finally occurred to me that I had people who loved me and cared about me. One day I got to a point where I realized I could not be as bad as I thought I was. If I was as worthless as I claimed to be, then how was it that all these people I looked up to thought I had worth? How could they all be wrong? If people I valued in my life saw goodness in me, surely there was some actual good. There must be something better about me. I had to dig it out. I made a list and wrote down all the bad, and then I struggled for days to look for the good.
Finally, I began to pull out the good things and that was where the healing started. Then I went back and considered something even greater. God had never left me during all that time. He was always there. I had to have value because I was valuable to Him. I did not know why I was, but I knew that I was. I finally began to see myself as God saw me, not as I saw myself.
To be continued.
I want to thank Paulette again for sharing some of these harder parts of her life. I know that for myself, what she has shared has been greatly impactful. It reminded me again of how Christ never leaves us and how our worth is not in what the world says, or even what we say… it is in what God says about us. If you enjoyed this post, please consider sharing it with others by hitting the share button. If you are not already a subscriber, consider doing a free or paid subscription so you don’t miss any content and to support my work. Thank you!
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God Never Let Go: Paulette's Faith Journey Part 4