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Humbled Before God- Travis's Faith Journey- Part 5
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Humbled Before God- Travis's Faith Journey- Part 5

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Hi friends!  On today’s episode of Draw Near to Me, we will begin part 5 of Travis’s faith journey.  For those who prefer to read, today’s content is also posted below.  As a recap, in part 4, Travis’s wife had encouraged him to join a men’s group at church to help him cope with all the challenges going on in their lives.  Although he was initially resistant to the idea, Travis encountered an environment where he was surrounded by other men that were truly open and honest about life.  One day, Travis caught his eight-year-old son in the midst of wanting to run away from home.  That event became a tipping point for Travis where God began to uncover old wounds and emotions that he had not yet fully faced.  He began to process some of this with his men’s small group.   Since this is a man’s testimony, my husband, Jeff, will narrate Travis’s story.  If you enjoyed this post, please share it with others using the share button below.  Also, please consider doing a free or paid subscription to Draw Near to Me so you don’t miss any future content.  With that, let’s dive into part 5 of Travis’s story. Enjoy!

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Mike invited me to come with him on a men’s backpacking trip, and I agreed to go.   It was organized by a Christian men’s group that he knew from Charleston, South Carolina.  A lot of people had signed up to attend.  When we arrived from Chattanooga, there were about 80 guys there.  We all met in the woods and then split off into different groups for parts of the trip. 

The excursion itself was not easy.  It started on Thursday and we did not come out until Sunday.  Each night we set up camp in a new location.  Then, the next day we tore everything down and packed up before continuing the hike.  In total, we backpacked about 30 miles while carrying our own meals and supplies. 

There were also additional challenges along the way.  By Friday morning, the weather had turned, and it began raining.  Then, probably 22 to 23 miles into the hike, I developed a really sharp, persistent pain.  Later I found out that it was a hernia.  At the time, I just had to manage as best as I could to finish the trip.  I kind of laugh about it now.  Even though it felt like everything that could go wrong did go wrong, the trip was still a life changing experience for me.

At one point in our hike, our leader stopped and made an announcement.  He told us that we were going to do a silent walk for the next 20 minutes.  We were instructed to spread out far enough that we were alone but could still see the guy ahead of us way down the path.  That way we created a physical spacing between each hiker while staying on the same trail.  Our leader told us to ask God one thing during the time we were alone.  The question we were supposed to ask was simple.   “God, do you love me?”

At first it felt like a silly situation.  We were a group of grown men in the woods asking, “God, do you love me?”  It almost seemed childish.  Before I even started the exercise of asking the question, my initial response was to think, “Of course He does.”  But what started out as something so simple turned out to be a pivotal question. 

As I began walking, I asked, “God, do you love me?”  Of course, I heard nothing.  I asked a second time. Once again, I heard nothing.  So, I asked a third time, “God, do you love me?”  Suddenly instead of hearing nothing, my mind became flooded with all the reasons why He shouldn’t love me.  All the things I had done wrong as a husband.  All the things I had done wrong as a father.  How much I had yelled at my oldest son and how our relationship had deteriorated.   

I stopped in my tracks.  My mind was no longer asking, “God, do you love me?” Instead, I was fighting the feeling of, “God, how could you love me?”  The thought was overwhelming.

Finally, standing there, I said out loud, “Okay God.  Do you love me?”  As plain as day I heard Him say, “You know that I love you.  When are you gonna love yourself?”  I broke down and just started crying. 

As I walked by myself, I thought through that question from God.  I began to realize the extent of how much unknown anger and bitterness I had.  It was towards my dad and stepdad, but specifically my real dad.  The hurt there was greater because I felt abandoned by him.  Then, God revealed something else to me.  Until that moment, I had no idea how much resentment I held towards myself. 

For the first time in my life I recognized that I was never gonna be able to forgive my dad or my stepdad until I’d forgiven myself.  It had to start with me.  I had to forgive myself for the anger and bitterness that I’d held on to for so long against myself.  I had to then let go of all the anger and bitterness I had towards my dad and stepdad in order to really forgive them. 

In the past, I had said the words that I forgave my dad a thousand times.  However, it was not until I went through that process between me and God that I really let go.  I experienced all those breakthroughs as I did that silent walk on the path alone.  I cried as God revealed each new thing to me and brought me to a place of true forgiveness.  It was huge.  I felt the weight of the world come off my shoulders.

As the men began gathering together as a group again, I started drying up my tears. I didn’t want to let a bunch of grown men that I did not know see me cry.  What would they think of me?  That’s not what men do.  We don’t cry and get emotional.  So, I kind of walked in behind the group and leaned against a tree in the background as I dried up my tears.

There was this older guy, probably in his 70s, that was down in the front of where we had all gathered. This guy was someone we were all striving to be like when we got older.  He had his backpack on and hiked faster than all of us.  We couldn’t keep up with him.  Now, he stood there facing us and started addressing the group.  The message he shared was about, of all things, forgiveness.

His words tore at my heart.  Everything he said was what I had just battled through moments ago as I forgave myself and my dad.  Even though I had never had a conversation with this guy before, when he finished speaking he called me out from the back.  He said, “Travis, I want you to come up here and I want you to pray for these men.” He told me to lead them in a prayer for forgiveness.

I walked up to the front to pray.  I was fighting to keep it together so the guys would not know what was going on with me.  I don’t remember what I prayed.  It wasn’t like God put some amazing thing on my heart.  It was probably some generic prayer, but that didn’t matter.  It was about forgiveness. 

After I finished praying, the guy leading the group told everybody to partner up with somebody.   For the next part, we were instructed to talk to the other person about what God said to us during our silent walk.  As people partnered up, this older gentleman walked up to me, grabbed me, and said, “I want to walk with you.” 

We let everyone else go their own way before we moved.  As soon as we started walking, he goes, “I want to know about your dad.”  Upon hearing those words, I just lost it.  For the first time in my life, I really opened up to somebody about every struggle that I had with my dad.  That became another big moment of the trip for me. 

The funny thing was that for the rest of the weekend I wasn’t able to participate in all the events because I had developed a hernia.  I couldn’t sit around the campfires at night and have these big discussions in the rain.  Instead, I laid in the tent and took pain medication to try to get through the night.  However, just overhearing conversations from there was such a cool experience for me.  As I listened to those guys talk, it was incredible how they were so real with each other.  That really stood out to me.

Before I knew it, it was time to head home.  As we left and came off the mountain, one of the men gave us all a warning.  He said, “Listen, you are all on this high right now, but Satan’s gonna attack you when you come off this experience.  He’s waiting for you.” 

Mike and I jumped in the car and headed back to Chattanooga.  We had an incredible conversation on the ride back about everything that went on that weekend.  As we were driving, I also called my wife because I was excited to tell her about my experience.  At some point, she paused and told me, “I hate this, but as soon as you get back, I need to leave.”  There was a family emergency that she had to deal with right away.   Instead of me gradually coming off the high of the trip, I hurried home.  There was a crisis in my wife’s family.  Satan had already attacked.  It was exactly what the guy said would happen. 

Later, me and my wife talked about the change she saw in me after I came back from that trip.  It wasn’t like I came off the mountain and everything was perfect.  I still had my battles.  However, that experience gave me a hope and a weight off my shoulders that allowed me to fight a little more.  It’s hard to describe, but for the first time in my life I felt like I was being honest with myself.  I had stuffed those feelings and had denied it for so long, and now I was finally being real about it. 

My trip was so impactful that I knew I wanted to do more.  We needed to have other opportunities available for men to experience that life change as well.  It started a process that would lead to a new ministry; however, God had to refine and humble me further before something greater would come through Him.

To be continued.

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